I remember sneaking downstairs one October with my brother when my mom was asleep and watching Halloween and Halloween II when I was about 10 years old. I mixed them together in my mind so it was hard for me to remember which movie had which details (when did you find out Laurie Strode was Michael's sister? Was it the first movie? I thought so for years). I went through a phase where I thought horror movies were evil, but then in college when I decided to give in and love horror again, the Halloween movies were some of the first ones I watched. I rented them and stayed up late with my suitemate watching the Halloween movies and telling each other we weren't scared (though Michael Myers is still the only name-brand boogeyman who has stalked me in my dreams...I've never had a nightmare about Jason or Freddy, but Michael? He's come after my friends and I in my dreams more than once). And now, after all these years, after many film sequels, all of which I love even if they're terrible, now here is the film that promises to put an end to the series once and for all. I can't wait to watch it!
In this installment of the series, it's four years after the last installment in the series, and Laurie Strode is living with her granddaughter and working on finishing her memoir. Michael Myers hasn't been seen in years, and Laurie has vowed not to live a life of cowering in terror, but rather live life to the fullest. Tragedy strikes, however, when a local young man stands accused of murdering the young boy he was babysitting, an escalating wave of violence and terror sweeps the town of Haddonfield, and Laurie is forced to confront the terror she can't control, once and for all.
There's an extended opening sequence in this movie just like there is in the original movie, only this one shows the death of a young boy while his parents are gone and he is in the care of a babysitter. It's actually a pretty shocking scene, and not one I was expecting, so kudos to the filmmakers for surprising me. After that, though, the movie kind of wanders off down a rabbit trail and the movie becomes more about how the citizens of Haddonfield have found a new boogeyman to bully and torment and they level all their negative energy on the new guy, named Corey, and he tries to move on with his life and with a new love interest, but the town doesn't want to let him forget the sins of the past.
All this is very well and good, but what any of it has to do with Halloween or Michael Myers I don't know. Then the movie pays lip service to being a Halloween movie by having a few scenes with tired, old, sewer-dwelling Michael Myers who seems to have forgotten how to kill and must be taught again. I don't know what that's about either. Then a few stalk-and-slash deaths with Michael and his friend tag teaming some minor characters that no one likes or cares about, and I wonder why the police haven't noticed all the deaths lately in a town as small as Haddonfield. I also wonder why Corey's semi-incestuous relationship with his mother is in this movie, except to freak us out.
At some point this becomes more a story about Corey and Laurie Strode and the animosity between them. Laurie Strode's granddaughter is in love with Corey and Laurie doesn't like that, but she can't make him listen so it's back to the sewers and suddenly it's Halloween night, so everything's finally gonna come to a head one way or another. I used to drink a lot, and a few years ago I did this challenge while I was drunk most of the time, so most of the reviews I wrote, at least half of them, I wrote while I was drunk, and I only mention that because I feel like I'm drunk right now, trying to make sense of a bunch of gobbledygook, and I just want to assure you that I'm not drunk, the movie just really is this disjointed and ridiculous.
Soon all the bullies are out in full force going after the boogeyman like they did in Halloween 4, but unlike that movie, there's nothing holding this movie together. As silly as it was seeing Michael Myers stab someone with a shotgun in that movie, at least I knew where I was and my feet were firmly on the floor. Michael Myers was bad and killing people, the rednecks of Haddonfield were trying to hunt him down but failing and causing more harm than good. I think that's where this movie was trying to head, but God only knows if it got there. Now we have Laurie Strode spouting catchphrases that feel like they came out of a "Purpose Driven Life" calendar, trying to preach to a second-rate Michael Myers wannabee as the world falls apart around them, and I can't help but think how the mighty have fallen. At least I think I found the floor again. it's over the sub-sub basement where the real Michael Myers is punching his time clock, ready to return for his fifteen minutes of fame, and all I can think is what an ex boyfriend of mine once said: "A picture is worth a thousand words. A shitty picture, however, is only worth six words: I spent my money on THIS?!"
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