This is one of those schlocky gorefest movies that has this big reputation for being depraved and disgusting, but when you watch it you see that it doesn't really live up to the hype. I knew that would be true even before I saw it, because that's almost always the way it goes with these infamous grind house flicks, so I opted to watch the "Rifftrax" version, so at least I'd have some sarcastic commentary to keep me company if the movie sucked.
Ok, this movie is about a photographer and crew who need to do a sexy horror-themed photo shoot, and they need a creepy looking old castle for the setting, but instead of renting I ne, they just...wander around Europe until they find a castle and then they trespass inside to see if the owner will let them use it (that really sounds like im making it up, but I swear that's what happens). So at first the owner of the castle tells them to get out of his house (and they all act like he's a jerk for doing that, but you broke into his house! You're lucky he didn't shoot you!) Eventually the owner relents and agrees to let them use the castle, but as soon as they start shooting, someone is horribly killed, and they all act like it's an accident when CLEARLY it's not, and then they don't even call the cops or anything, they just keep working! Hey, they have a deadline. Anyway they all start getting tortured and killed by the resurrected "Crimson Executioner," who was put to death hundreds of years ago for torturing his victims as a punishment for their sins.
I have no idea how they took a premise like that and managed to make it boring, but they pulled it off! The movie is terrible, but the Rifftrax guys had some good quips:
"Bloody Pit of Horror: now with 97% more meandering!"
"It's sad to see the Scooby-Doo gang get old and European."
"This may be the swankiest murder music I've ever heard. She's either going to be killed or seduced by Austin Powers."
"They warned me my love of cardigans would lead to a bad end!"
"The guy who lovingly oils his man boobs in the mirror is worried about sin."
"I've seen better fight scenes in the wheelchair center's production of "On Golden Pond."
"An infant Jackie Chan saw this and said "I've already choreographed better fights and I was born a week ago!"
"I trust the vulture in Disney's Robin Hood more with a crossbow than I do this guy."
"I guess spouting exposition is a side effect of being tortured."
Funtimes were had by all (except the poor people who had to watch this movie without the commentary).
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