2020 October Horror Challenge #68: "Samson vs. The Vampire Women (MST3K)"

This movie sounded interesting, but it was really,  REALLY terrible. I don't know why it caught my eye, I guess I was thinking the Samson from the Bible fighting vampires or something, but it was a super hero guy named Samson trying to help these ancient vampire women away from their newest victim, and his costume is ridiculous and it's impossible to take it seriously, especially his shiny mask. Luckily,  I had snarky commentary to keep me company while I endured the movie.

So like I said, there's this ancient coven of vsmpire women, who look old and rotted,  but they use the life-force energy from victims to look young again. There's this young woman who's about to turn 18, and her professor father knows she will be a target for the vampires,  but he tries to keep this secret from her (why? Wouldn't it be easier to help her if she knows why she has to be careful, because these monsters are after her?) The vampires want to resurrect their Queen, and this girl is the reincarnation of their Queen, but they have to wait for her 18th birthday, so they lurk in the shadows and keep watch over her while killing a bunch of her friends by draining their blood.

That synopsis sounds interesting to me, and I wish they had a budget to explore it. I don't know what Samson's purpose is in this movie, he must be a well-known hero or something,  and the filmmakers counted on his name recognition to make money from the movie. I think the movie would have been more interesting if it just focused on the 18 year old girl and her decision whether to join the vampires or resist them. This is one of those movies I wish they'd remake with a good budget so we could see the story play out. 

As it is, even the sarcastic commentary couldn't save this movie, because it was too long and boring and pointless scenes padded the running time. It's not the fault of the MST3K crew, like one of them said in another commentary track "the hard part about about trying to do these commentary tracks is sometimes it's just...people walking through the woods..." There were a few good lines, though:

"If bats got into his hair they'd drown in the Vaseline."

"We're out of blood, is Pepsi ok?"

"Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1959!"

"Meanwhile, back at the world's most joyless party..."

Good try, guys. It's not your fault the movie gave you nothing to work with. I'd advise you all to skip this one, unless you like being bored to death.