2010 Academy Awards

8:32 - Hey, it's Neil Patrick Harris. Time for a musical number. "No One Wants to Do It Alone." Is it just me or do the Oscars look smaller this year? It looks like they're in a small theater with only a couple hundred people sitting there. I think the camera is filming that way on purpose to make things seem more "intimate."

8:34 - Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are lowered from the ceiling on a golden glittery swing. Big production, let me tell you.

8:35 - Making fun of Meryl Streep for having the most nominations ("or as I like to say it, most losses.")

8:36 - Noting differences in voting this year. Best Picture has 10 nominees this year ("when we learned that the Best Picture nominees had doubled this year, everyone in Hollywood thought the same thing...what is five times two?")

8:39 - Praising Mo'Nique's performance. She did a spectacular job freaking me the fuck out in "Precious." Steve Martin is reminded that the Academy doesn't often nominate stand-up comedians.

8:40 - donning 3D glasses to stare at James Cameron. Soon come a flock of floating CGI tree spirits across the screen (Steve Martin quickly dispatches them with some Off...now that was funny).

8:41 - Some "ex" jokes for Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron (they used to be married, for anyone who didn't know).

8:42 - "In Inglorious Basterds, Christoph Waltz plays a Nazi obsessed with finding Jews...well Christoph," *gestures toward audience* "Here you are...the motherlode." Admit it, you laughed.

8:43 - Is it just me or does George Cloony look PISSED? He doesn't seem to like them making fun of him so much on the stage (seriously, he looks like he wants to stab them in the face).

8:44 - The nominees for best supporting actor. Last year there were no film clips showcasing the movies. Big mistake. This year, the film clips are back (and the peasants rejoiced).

8:45 - They really make me want to see "Invictus." That alone is a feat. See? THIS is why you show movies clips, academy. It piques interest by condensing the film to its best moments.

8:47 - Fuck, Stanley Tucci is creepy as hell. I want to see "The Lovely Bones" now.

8:47b - Christoph Waltz is SO going to win this.

8:48 - Yep, I thought so. Christoph Waltz won. Penelope Cruz isn't much for bringing suspense. She didn't even speak slowly when she opened the envelope containing the winner's name, she says "AndthewinnerisChristophWaltz." Ok, Speed Racer.

8:49 - What's with the fucking "Knot's Landing" music when everyone is walking offstage, academy? I'll pause here for all you youngins to Google "Knot's Landing."

8:50 - Montage of "The Blindside." Damn I want to see this movie. I remember what it was like when I got my first bed, so when I hear that line from the movie, I can totally relate.

8:52 - First commercial break and we've only handed out one award. I thought the broadcast was going to be SHORTER this year? FFS academy. Think of the old people who have to sit up late and liveblog this thing.

8:55 - Cameron Diaz and Steve Carell. Cameron Diaz usually sounds more conversational, but she's stumbling all over herself. Apparently the teleprompter was on the fritz.

8:57 - All the animated stars of the best animated feature film nominees sit down for interviews. This was actually pretty funny. Well done, academy.

8:58 - Of course "Up" wins. So far things are pretty predictable. I'm not knocking it, I loved "Up," but still, it would be nice to get a surprise here at some point in the night.

8:59 - That acceptance speech was adorable.

9:00 - Amanda Seyfrid and Miley Cyrus take the stage. The screen melts from too much HOTT on one stage. Ok, that didn't really happen, but it COULD have.

9:01 - Miley Cyrus fumbles in her speech and admits she's nervous. I love her.

9:02 - Wow, "The Princess and the Frog" has some great music. I can't wait for my pre-ordered DVD to come!

9:03 - "The Weary Kind" is actually a great song. I really want to see "Crazy Heart" now.

9:04 - And "The Weary Kind" wins. Awesome job, guys. I'm tearing up as the song plays while they're walking to the stage.

9:05 - Chris Pine introduces the montage for "District 9." When I saw the trailers for this in theaters, I never thought it would be nominated for an academy award, let alone Best Picture. People can bitch all they want about how it's only in because there are 10 nominees, I'm still grateful that as a horror fan, I feel represented in the awards this year.

9:06 - 36 minutes in, second commercial break, and we've only given out two awards. This is going to be a long night. *dies*

9:11 - "The Academy Awards: the biggest night in Hollywood since last time." Alec Baldwin speaks the truth.

9:13 - Acting is "a collaboration between handsome people and sickly little mole people." HA, this is hilarious.

9:14 - This "Best original Screenplay montage is annoying. Do we really need someone to read the screenplay over the scene? I get what you're doing, trying to show the words contributing to the creation of the movie, but ugh.

9:15 - "The Hurt Locker" wins. I predict this one will win a lot of awards tonight.

9:16 - Mark Boal kind of looks like Keanu Reeves, but he's more articulate. I love when he says "Kathryn Bigelow, this belongs to you" even though he won for his writing. And he thanks the troops, and his father, who recently died. This was a sweet speech. He packed a lot of heart into two minutes.

9:18 - Matthew Broderick and Molly Ringwald take the stage to honor John Hujghes. I grew up with Ferris Bueller, as well as the rest of these movies, helped shape my childhood years, so the coming montage was great for me. I forgot how many John hughes movies I watched as a kid and a teen.

9:20 - "It's just unavoidable. When you grow up, your heart dies." What a great line.

9:21 - "Life movies pretty fast. you don't stop and slow down every once in awhile, you might miss it." Another great line. John Hughes was a genius.

9:23 - John Hughes' family stands up in the audience for a standing ovation. This speech is too sad.

9:23b - The "Up" montage reminds me what a great movie this is. Cue the waterworks.

9:27 - Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana take the stage to honor the best animated short film of the year. They're explaining why it's important to honor short films. The filmmakers in the following montage make a good case. I'll admit, sometimes I think of this as "one of the boring filler awards" but I'm sure it's important to the people who win. Plus they're right, some of my favorite filmmakers made short films before they went on to make my favorite movies.

9:31 - "Logorama" actually looks pretty cool.

9:31b - And lo and behold, it wins! I have to check it out now.

9:32 - This speech is great. "I have to thank the one-thousand unofficial sponsors of this film." Way to snark about all the logos you ganked to make your cartoon. I like this guy.

9:33 - The nominees for "Best Documentary Short."

9:34 - The guy who wins for "Music by Prudence" runs to the stage holding his hands over his face...Roger Ross Williams is obviously excited, and it's really sweet. I'm glad he won.

9:35 - They get yanked off the stage when they're not done with their speech. Classy, academy.

9:36 - The nominees for best live-action short. Let's hope no one gets kicked off the stage this time.

9:36b - "The New Tenants" wins. The speech is pretty funny. John Baron says he doesn't know if he should dance, and Tivi Magnusson waves him off, like "pfft, stop it." that was a cute moment. too bad their speech gets cut short by the loud interrupting music. Jesus Academy, stop being such pricks tonight.

9:38 - Ben Stiller in full "avatar" makeup, mocking the alien language from the movie. "I am here to present the award for best makeup...the irony is that "Avatar" isn't even nominated...I should've just worn my Spock ears because Star Trek is actually nominated...I have two pairs from the original series, both signed by Leonard Nimoy. But that would have been too nerdy. This is much cooler."

9:41 - "Star Trek" wins for best makeup. One of the guys sneaks in a "Happy Anniversary baby!" before the music crushes them all.

9:43 - "A Serious Man" is introduced with a montage. You can tell this is a Cohen brothers movie. It's all weird and stuff. It's hard to compile clips from any of their movies into anything that makes sense.

9:48 - The best adapted screenplay nominees. More words appearing over scenes from the movie. This one is less awkward.

9:50 - Jeffrey Fletcher wins for "Precious." I'm glad. He did a good job turning that material into something powerful. I really need to watch this movie all the way through.

9:51 - Jeffrey Fletcher is going to make me cry. Again.

9:52 - Queen Latifah takes the stage to talk about the Governor's awards (lifetime achievement awards).

9:54 - "To the filmmakers who have the courage to take a chance, I tell you, keep taking chances." Roger Corman is awesome.

9:54b - The camera pans the crowd and finds Penelope Cruz looking very bored. Whoops.

9:55 - Best supporting actress nominees announced by Robin Williams.

9:56 - I want to marry Vera Farminga. And Penelope Cruz. And I kind of want to punch George Cloony for making Vera Farminga cry.

9:57 - I want to marry Maggie Gyllenhaal too. Peter Sarsgaard is a lucky man. And I want to punch Jeff Bridges for making Maggie Gyllenhaal cry.

9:59 - Damn, Mo'nique deserves this award.

9:59b - And she wins. I love you, Mo'nique. I teared up when she thanked her husband.

10:01 - Colin Firth introduces the montage for best picture nominee "An education." I want to see this movie now.

10:05 - Sigorney Weaver takes the stage to introduce the nominees for art direction. "Avatar" really deserves this. So does "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus."

10:07 - "Avatar" Wins. I'm glad, too. The damn "Avatar" guy is making me cry too ("13 years ago I was told I had two years to live and I thought this dream of standing here would never happen"). Everyone is out to get me tonight.

10:09 - The award for best costume design. "He directed 'A Single Man' and she weighs a single pound." HAHAHA!

10:10 - "The Young Victora" wins. I didn't see that coming. Guess I'm not going to win that damn Oscar poll. Regardless, her costumes were beautiful and Sandy Powell really deserved this. I love it when she says "I already have two of these..." and then dedicates her award to the designers who aren't often recognized, those who work on independent movies and movies that don't get nominated for awards like this. She seems pretty classy.

10:12 - Charlize Theron introduces the montage for "Precious." And I'm crying again. I'm going to buy stock in Kleenex after tonight, dammit.

10:17 - Making fun of "Paranormal Activity." I actually laughed out loud.

10:18 - Honoring horror movies. I love it. This is my montage.

10:22 - Way to give away the end of the movie assholes.

10:22b - Why the hell is Zac Efron onstage? At least we get Morgan Freeman announcing the winners. His explanation of best sound editing is a good one. As a fan of war movies, "Black Hawk Down" taught me an appreciation of the art of sound editing.

10:24 - :"The Hurt Locker" wins. I love it when a good war movie wins this category. Paul N.J. Ottosan gives a stirring speech, too. He sounds genuinely appreciative.

10:26 - Isn't "sound mixing" a part of "sound editing"? Weird. Regardless, "The Hurt Locker" wins again and Paul N.J. Ottosan has to get back onstage again. He's so funny. "Again, thank you so much." These guys know how to give a short speech. I should get some pointers because I suck at this.

10:28 - More snarking James Cameron for his 3D tech knowledge.

10:29 - The "Inglorious Basterds" montage. They make this movie sound better than it was (sue me, I fell asleep).

10:34 - Sandra Bullock takes the stage. I love her dress, seriously. "The cinematographer is...usually the first person I befriend onset. Seriously. the conversation goes something like this: Dude, make me look good." That's what cinematographers do, really. Make everything look good.

10:35 - Avatar wins. I wonder if James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow are keeping score?

10:37 - Demi Moore is here. Wow, her dress is gorgeous too. She's introducing the montage of those who've died this year ("God's hit list," as my friend Dani calls it).

10:38 - James Taylor is going to be performing the song live this year over the montage. Aww. I miss David Carradine. Dom DeLuise too.

10:39 - I forgot about Brittany Murphy. *tear*

10:40 - As predicted, Michael Jackson gets the most applause.

10:45 - Best original score nominees.

10:46 - There are going to be dancers dancing onstage to the music of the nominated movies? Really? That's kind of cool. Who came up with that idea?

10:47 - The League of Extraordinary Dancers looks kind of creepy honoring the score for "The Hurt Locker." It's a hard piece to dance to, though.

10:50 - The dance to the music from "Up" is even creepier. I wonder how long they rehearsed this dance?

10:50b - The music to "Avatar" was made for dancing.

10:52 - Finally getting to the list of nominees. And "Up" wins. Damn, that's a long stage. Michael Giacchino looks like he doesn't know where to walk. You need as guide dog to get around up there.

10:53 - "If you wanna be creative, get out there and do it, it's not a waste of time." Great speech Michael.

10:54 - Best visual effects nominees.

10:55 - "Avatar" wins. No big surprise.

10:56 - I love the acceptance speech. He thanks the people watching for supporting his movie and says "Just remember, the world we live in is just as amazing as the one we created for you." That was a cool thing to say.

10:57 - The best picture montage for "Up in the Air."

10:57 - George Cloony still looks pissed. Or bored. Or both.

11:01 - Matt Damon is taking the stage to present the award for best documentary feature.

11:02 - I want "The Cove" to win. Or "Food Inc."

11:03 - Or "Which Way Home."

11:04 - And "The Cove" takes it. Looks like a movie I need to see.

11:05 - Stop cutting people off with your loud music, academy. seriously. this is the last time I'm going to ask. It's classless.

11:05b - Tyler Perry says "they just said my name at the Oscars...I'd better enjoy it, 'cause it's probably never going to happen again." I love Tyler Perry.

11:07 - The nominees for best film editing.

11:07b - "The Hurt Locker" takes it. And the winners are husband and wife. they're so cute! I like their speech. Kudos to them for making an independent feature that took risks.

11:08 - "The Hurt Locker" gets its best picture montage.

11:14 - Best foreign language film...why is Quentin Tarantino onstage presenting? He speaks his own language, sure, but still...

11:17 - "The Secret in their Eyes" wins. Didn't see that one coming. Most people predicted "A Prophet" would win.

11:18 - I love his speech trying to get everything out before he gets kicked off stage.

11:19 - Kathy Bates announces the "Avatar" best picture montage.

11:23 - The best actor nominees get a montage. I know "A Single Man" won't win, but I really want to see it. Did I mention I love Colin Firth? I love Jeff Bridges though, too, and he gave a great performance in "Crazy Heart."

11:26 - George Cloony is smiling for the first time tonight while Vera Farminga is describing him.

11:29 - Tim Robbins describes Morgan Freeman: "I'll never forget what you said to me on the last day of working on "The Shawshank Redemption." You said 'Being a friend is getting the other person a cup of coffee. Could you do that for me, Ted? It Is Ted, right?'" I love Morgan Freeman.

11:32 - Finally we get to the actual award.

11:32b - Jeff Bridges wins it. We all knew that would happen, right? And he gets a standing ovation.

11:33 - He's shaking his Oscar at the sky thanking his mom and dad. Aww.

11:36 - They're not going to cut his speech, dammit. Let the man talk.

11:37 - Just so you know, we're taking a commercial break, and we have three more awards to hand out, and if they all get as long an introduction as Best Actor did, this show will be another hour long.

11:40 - Another long set of intros for the best actress nominees.

11:41 - Sandra Bullock is tearing up. I would be, too. Hell, I AM and they're not even talking about me.

11:44 - Gabourey Sidbe looks shocked that Oprah is announcing her from the stage. Aww, she's tearing up, too.

11:46 - Stanley Tucci is making Meryl Streep cry. Plus he's funny, saying he's going to petition the academy to cap the number of times a person can be nominated at 16, because it's selfish and unseemly for her to be so "greedy" with her nominations.

11:48 - There's that damn "Knot's Landing" music again. Or maybe it's "Dallas." Regardless, Sandra Bullock wins. Good for her. I've always loved her.

11:49 - "Did I really earn this or did I just wear you all down?" Seriously, I love you, Sandra.

11:51 - "I would like to thank what this film is about for me, which is the moms that take care of the babies and the children, no matter where they come from." And then she thanks her mom and makes me cry again for the zillionth time this night.

11:53 - Barbara Streisand takes the stage to announce the nominees for best director. I think Cameron is going to win, but I'd love it is Bigelow won, or Lee Daniels, because his movie was great. Or if Quentin Tarantino won, I'd love that because I've loved him for years, even if I didn't like this particular movie.

11:55 - Kathryn Bigelow wins. First time a woman has won best director. I'm really happy for her. She directed "Near Dark," which is one of my favorite movies, so it's great to see her talent finally rewarded.

11:57 - She dedicates her award to the women and men risking their lives in the military. Awesome.

11:58 - Ew, don't play "I am Woman" as she leaves the stage. Seriously, quit patting yourself on the back, academy. I'm glad she has a vagina, but she deserved this award because she's a great director, not because she has a vagina.

11:59 - "The Hurt Locker" wins best picture and half the audience takes the stage. It's always great when an indie wins, plus they upset the great giant James Cameron, plus she used to be married to James Cameron, so haha! This win is an upset. Not a total surprise, but I'm happy just the same.

12:01 - "Another dedication, to everyone around the world who wears a uniform...they're there for us, and we're there for them."

12:02 - "This show was so long that "Avatar" now takes place in the past." Well said, Steve Martin.

So not many surprises, but it was fun just the same. Thanks for spending the night with me.

We are All Fags Now

Nifty title, huh? I think I have the evidence to back it up though, so please keep reading. Most of the time I rant about movies in this space (or books, from time to time) and I'm going to talk about a movie later, but first, I wanted to say a word about everyone's favorite pop culture icon, Fred Phelps. 'Who the fuck is that?' you might ask. Well, Fred Phelps is the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, that infamous little slice of fundamentalist frenzy that sends its members to picket at the funerals of famous gay people. Yes, I said “picket.” The church members carry signs that say “God hates fags” and “AIDS cures fags” and other fun things. Now as horrible as it might be to imagine picketing a funeral, a time of mourning, and pouring more grief on top of people that are already grieving, a lot of people (especially people in my small little backwoods community) wouldn't think this has much affect on them. After all, those people are many states away from us, so we don't have to see them, and we all know the bible does say something about gays being evil or something like that, so these crazy church people are only practicing their religion. It's not a big deal.

I'm not just being sarcastic, either. To be honest with you, as much as I wanted to vomit at the thought of someone picketing at a FUNERAL, I didn't think Fred Phelps and his creepy little church had much to do with my life, either. That was before Matt Webber. 'Who the hell is that?' you ask, 'Why the fuck do you keep throwing random names out there? We have no idea what you're talking about.' Well, let me tell you who he was. Matthew Alan Webber was a local soldier who fought in Iraq and died on April 27, 2006. I didn't know him beyond saying “hi” a few times, but in a town as small as this one, whenever local soldiers are overseas fighting, we see their names a lot. Local churches publish their names on bulletin boards and organize prayer chains, and when local soldiers die, everyone hears about it. When Matt died, people would come into work crying, because we all knew someone else who was still overseas fighting, and we all mourned for those who died. As much as it sucks living in a small town sometimes, this is one of the good things. Tragedies can connect us.

Something strange happened around the time Matt died, though. Remember Fred Phelps? Well, his church has decided that since God hates fags so much, that means God hates any country where a lot of fags live, so God hates America too (but...but...that doesn't make sense-hush, you and your logic, just try to follow this train of thought as it derails). So since God hates America (as we've established, because we're all a bunch of “fag enablers”) that means God hates anyone who fights for this country, so God hated the soldiers fighting for the USA, so God killed them, and people mourning the soldiers are mocking God, so they need to be told the “truth” and Fred Phelps and his church need to spread the gospel to those at these funerals. Again, kind of insane, but what does it have to do with us? Well, you guessed it, Fred Phelps showed up at Matt Webber's funeral to picket and protest and hand out “gospel” literature. We got warning about this a week or so in advance, and everyone at work was abuzz with the news, everyone wondering what kind of person would picket a funeral. When they found out that I knew who Fred Phelps was, they asked me about him, and I got to have several variations on the following conversation:

Them: Who is Fred Phelps?

Me: He's a pastor of a church that pickets at the funerals of gay people-

Them: Matt wasn't a faggot!

Me: Yeah, but since Matt Died protecting the U.S., and the U.S. has laws protecting the rights of gay people, Fred Phelps says God hates America, too

Them:..That's stupid.

Me: Yeah.

I have to hand it to people. As full as this city is of small-town rednecks, when Fred Phelps came here, no one took a shot at him. No one even threw a rock at him. The Mecosta County sheriff John Sontag (who knew Matt growing up, since he was Matt's rocket football coach) even said he'd have officers stationed around the high school during the funeral to protect the Westboro Baptist church protesters, saying: “We will protect these people, because that’s what Matt died for. He died so these scumbags can protest.” I personally think that's a laudable attitude, especially since I would have gone apeshit and at least thrown rocks at the protesters if I'd been at the funeral (this is why none of my friends would give me a ride to the funeral; they knew I'd go off on someone). I know, the protesters just want attention, I'd be giving it to them, it would be wrong to assault them, blah blah blah. I would probably have done it anyway. All my logic would have gone out the window the second I saw Matt's mother crying while people were standing across the street holding signs saying that God hates Matt. But no one from my area did that, and I admire their restraint. Score one for the rednecks.

The thing that stood out to me the most about this event was the conversations I got to have with people because of Fred Phelps' visit. Like I said, most people in this area have some idea that the bible says it's a sin to be gay, so on that basis, they can understand some church wanting to go off and preach at people about it, but that stance changes the second you start talking about protesting SOLDIERS. The grand majority of citizens in this area are military families, and we all know someone fighting overseas, so when the issue hits us closer to home, it's harder to be objective. I know people say it's a good idea to always be objective in debates and such, but I don't always agree. I don't think people really understand how hate poisons everyone it touches until they are confronted with it affecting someone they love. The people I talked with were shocked that someone would protest Matt's funeral just because he fought in a war representing a country that had laws protecting the rights of gay people. That's kind of what hate does, though. You start hating something, then you slowly begin to hate everything associated with it, and it spreads. I'm not a fan of arguing for a “slippery slope,” but this sure is the track that hatred seems to take when it infects people. For me, if anything good came out of Fred Phelps' visit at all, it was this: I got to talk to people, and they'd say “I can't believe he's protesting at Matt's funeral, that's so horrible,” and I'd say “He's done this to hundreds of funerals of gay people, too,” and they'd pause for a minute, then they'd say “That's horrible, too.” Yeah, it is. But I'm glad we all could learn something from it. Sometimes, when people are confronted with evil, they shrink away. Sometimes, they take the experience in, and they grow from it. I think the people in my town chose the latter path.

I recently watched the documentary “Fall From Grace,” about Fred Phelps and his church and how it got its start and how its teachings have spread, and it's pretty harrowing to watch. I didn't feel qualified to write a review of the movie, because I'd have a hard time being objective (there's that word again) but I thought I'd at least devote a post to the issue, because it's important to me. Watching the documentary gave me an inside seat to how hate spread throughout Phelps and his family and how it spread through their teachings and how it's grown stronger until it became what it is today; a monster that's so strong it even has his family protesting at the funeral of Heath Ledger, because he's an actor who portrayed a gay character. I guess no one is immune from the wrath of this God, because in Phelps' world, we are all fags now (well, at least we all have something in common, then). That level of hate must be difficult to maintain. I would do well to be sympathetic if not to Phelps himself then at least to the idea that it's not a good idea to hate so strongly that it ruins your entire life. So here's to taking baby steps toward not hating people. Here's to all the people whose funerals have been disgraced by Phelps' presence, and here's to Matt Webber, who even in death had a battle to fight against ignorance, and whose funeral helped a lot of people learn something. Even me.

"As far as I'm concerned, it's all hot. Just because I'm not sticking it in there doesn't mean that I don't find it beautiful."

The title of this post is a quote from Adam Lambert in his infamous Rolling Stone article. I read that quote, and I thought it was the most awesome thing OMG EVER, so I wanted to use it somewhere, but the thought crossed my mind that if I did, some of my friends would be pissed off at me. I've been this way all my life, always finding friendships with people who don't respect me, or who put me down all the time, or who just basically treat me like garbage. I don't know why it is. Someone told me that as humans, "we accept the love we think we deserve," and I think that for me, there's a lot of truth in that. Maybe a part of me thinks that I deserve to have friends who cut me off in mid-sentence to mock what I'm saying, or to roll their eyes at me and tell me "that makes no sense" when I speak (even when what I said makes perfect sense, thanks) or who tell me that I look like shit and they don't want to be seen in public with me, or who wait for me to tell a story that I think i s so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes to tell it, and then when I'm done roll their eyes and say "that was stupid." I could go on and on. I seem to have a talent for picking relationships with people who don't respect me (and most of them wouldn't even recognize that they do this if I tried to talk to them about it...I know because I HAVE tried).

Part of being self-aware is realizing that I need to change some things, but the hard part is knowing that I have to work on ME, because I can't change anyone else. I have so many issues that I don't know where to start some days, but until I'm capable of seeing any good in myself, no one else is going to see any good in me, either. So onward I go.

I wrote this message for a friend, and I posted it on a message board awhile ago, but just to remind myself (and because maybe some of you might want to hear it, as well) I'm posting it here, too. I love you guys.

Someone posted this passage from the children's story "The Velveteen Rabbit" the other day, and I haven't read or thought about that story in years, but when I read these words again, they hit me so hard that I cried, because they describe me so well:


"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very nappy. But these things don't matter at all. Because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


So I was thinking about this the other night, in the midst of about a week without sleep (and with very little hope...it's been a dark week) and these words came to mind, so I started praying them:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Recently, I've started praying the serenity prayer at work. Like I said, I haven't slept in days, and I'm so stressed out and such that it seems that drinking and drugs and razor blades have never been as tempting to me as they are right now. I was thinking how weak I was that the temptation had never seemed to bother me this much in the past, and I'd never been overcome with it like I seem to be right now. Then last night it hit me...of COURSE it seems like the temptation is stronger now than it was before. Before, I always gave in. Now, I don't do those things anymore, so I know what it feels like to struggle against something that used to rule my life so strongly. It seems harder now because I'm fighting, and fighting is always harder than giving in.

I actually cried, I was so relieved to be able to see it that way. I have such a hard time seeing myself in a positive light and seeing myself as strong, because even typing those words seems alien to me. I'm not strong. I'm not anything good or noble or righteous, not the way I should be, because I'm surrounded by tangible reminders of every ugly failure I've ever had. But the thing is, these scars make me who I am. I shouldn't have made them, it was wrong, it was bad, blah blah blah, but even if it was wrong, they're here now, a part of me, and scarred skin may be ugly, but it's also stronger than regular skin, because something about the process of knitting itself back together makes it tougher than it was in the past. I may be ugly, but these marks show that I have lived, and that I'm still here to tell the tale.

So I thought about the things I can change, like my attitude, the things I can't change, like the nasty comments and opinions of others, and how the hardest thing for me has always been knowing the difference between the two, because I want so badly for other people to like me and see something good and worthy in me that I always think if I try hard enough, I will be good and be righteous and people will see that and finally, I will be good enough. It never works out that way, though, and because of this, every negative opinion hurts that much more because it reminds me again how I've failed and how I'll never be good enough. But there again, that's looking at things backwards...if nothing else, people's negative comments should remind me that no matter what I do, someone somewhere is going to disapprove, and I can't live for the opinions of others, I have to live for myself, because I'm the only one who has to be around myself 24/7 for the rest of my life. And as I was musing on the words of this prayer, I started praying it, over and over (I do that sometimes, pray the "Hail Mary" or the "Our Father" because those are the ones I can remember, and they help me focus on God and keep going) and I realized that "The Serenity Prayer" is probably the best thing I could pray to myself at work and throughout my life, when I'm surrounded by other people and their opinions, things I can't change, and motivated by the desire to be whole and accepted more than any other thing. If nothing else, God accepts me where I am, and I'm doing everything I can to put one foot in front of the other and keep going and survive, and I'm feeling every sling and arrow because I don't have drugs or alcohol or anything else to numb the pain like I had in the past. I'm realizing how much pain hurts when you have to actually FEEL your emotions. But this is good. It means I'm still alive, still becoming. All things new.

Coming Out

Someone asked me to post my "coming out" story here, since I keep going on and on about how mine is different. It is. I'm not like most people; I can't say "well I realized that I was attracted to people of the same sex at X age" because for me, things didn't work out like that. Someone asked me to write "What the letters GLBTACQI Mean to You" and this is what came out. I apologize if it's incoherent (and it's going to have more profanity than I typically use in this blog, because it's been the sort of week when I use profanity quite a bit).

Yeah, so when I was younger, I realized that I never fit in and never belonged anywhere, and I blame my mom for a lot of that, because she never let me go to school or get out of the house and socialize and be around other people and learn their language. So anyway, I felt like an outcast, and when I was fast becoming a rabid reader in my pre-teens, I read every book I could possibly find about gay people. I figured I wasn't one of them (since, you know, I didn't want to have sex with women, but then I didn't even know how women HAD sex, and I didn't want to have sex with anyone, even though sex dominated my thoughts as a kid, it was a skewed view of sex as pain and degradation, so even though I felt like it was a part of me, I didn't want any part of it) but anyway, yes, I figured I wasn't gay, but I figured that everyone hated gay people and everyone hated me, too, so we had something in common, so I should read about them. So I did. that's when I discovered Harvey Milk, and how he was the first openly gay person elected to US public office (other gay people had come out and told people they were gay after they'd been elected, but Harvey Milk was elected when everyone knew he was gay, meaning he didn't hide it but he told everyone about it because he was loud and mouthy but most people seemed to like him anyway). I read about him, and I read his speeches, and I became obsessed with him ("yes you did," said Lillian's friends list, "and we're all still paying for that, so many years later") because he talked about hope like it was a real, tangible thing that could keep people going when they had nothing else, and I had nothing else (I wasn't even allowed to leave the house) so long before I discovered Jesus, I discovered Harvey Milk, and I tried to have hope that someday, I would be able to break free from my prison (because that's what my home life was) and live. It took me years, but I managed to do just that, and forgive me a moment of blasphemy, but I'd have done well to hang on more to the message I got from Harvey Milk than most of the messages I got from church, because churches fucked me over and fucked me up royally for years. But anyway, gay people were always important in my life, so it bothered me somewhere deep down knowing that I was supposed to believe that they were going to hell (well, if they had sex and were happy, they were going to hell...if they stayed celibate and beat themselves up over every homosexual thought, they could stand a chance of being righteous one day maybe if God chose to love them more than they deserved or something).

In college I really desperately wanted to go to the gay group on campus, but I was too afraid to go...I went to a few meetings, but I was so messed up that it didn't have much of an effect. The only thing that wore down the stupid walls I had built in my head was years and years of being around gay people (because I stand by this: I always did love them and never thought they should have to change, even when I tried to change myself in later years, even when I beat myself up for my sinful thoughts, even when I hated myself, I never hated them, and I hated myself for not being able to think what they did was sick and wrong like I was supposed to think...how fucked up is THAT?) And after years of being around gay people (and probably convincing every single person in my church that I was gay because I look back on my pictures from back then and I dressed like the biggest fucking dyke I've ever seen...but that was more to cover my body and not ever cause a man to look at me and think about sex, because that was a sin and that would send me to hell...just ask my church...) one day, after I'd walked away from the church and started kind of seeing this guy, I was watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I'd seen a million times before, when suddenly it hit me that I had a crush on one of the girls in the episode. Just like that. It never occurred to me before, but I think that's because I spent so much time in a screwed-up mindset about sex that I never thought there was anything positive about sex...I thought about it all the time, and I had graphic pictures in my head that nothing could erase, but I knew next to nothing about what sex really was and what it really could be...does that make sense? I saw that I had a guy who found me attractive, and suddenly I stopped thinking I was ugly and sinful and evil, and I stopped seeing my sexuality as something ugly and evil, too. So it wasn't until I had a guy who was sexually attracted to me, a guy I liked who was nice to me, that I could begin to see anything positive about sex, and it was then that I was able to open up to my crushy-gushy feelings about another girl (yes, I'm saying that it wasn't until I was in a sexual relationship with a guy that I was able to see sex with a girl as a good thing, yes, I know how stupid that sounds, this is why I've never said it before, no, I don't know why I'm saying it now...wait, yes I do...blame Dani).

So anyway, after this guy broke up with me, I got my first crush on a girl who I knew in real life, and then I had my first relationship with a girl, and even though it was messed up, I wouldn't trade it for anything, because it made me realize that there was always something missing when I had sex with a guy (I liked looking at him, I still like looking at guys and especially at naked guys but when it comes to actually having sex, I most certainly enjoy having sex with women more). So that's when I finally realized that I don't just empathize with the letters on that alphabet soup list, I'm ONE OF THEM.

That's the long answer to the question, of course. The short answer is that "GLBTACQI" means to me that we have WAY TOO MANY letters in our acronym.