So I went to church this morning. It's a church I've been going to since 2004, which contrary to how I may feel makes me very old indeed. 2004 is when I graduated from college. Check it out. 2004 is also, much to my chagrine, 15 years ago. I feel older than the sands of Egypt.
So some of you may be wondering why this post is here. This is, after all, mainly a blog about horror movies, most of which I chronicle when I attempt to watch at least 100 horror movies every October.
Well, see, this blog is SUPPOSED TO BE about my life, and thus about God and sexuality and love and food and everything that makes me ME, which is why I use it to talk about horror movies mostly, because horror movies are a big part of who I am, but that's not ALL of who I am. Just a big part. A part that's fun to talk about with ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, because those have always been a big part of who I am. Boo.
But there's more to me, so much more, just like there's so much more to every person, in the big broken glass tapestry of who we are. So many peices, each important and beautiful when the light hits it right and it shines brightly, illuminating something that once was dark.
Even the title of this blog, "Out of the Box," and the web address "youcanhaveabigbox" is about something. Many things. One of the churches I used to go to had a concert one night, and the singer tried to teach us many songs, one of which went
You can have a big box
You can have a little box
But if your god is in the box
Your God is very small
You can have a plain box
You can have a fancy box
But if you think that God is in the box
You don't know God at all
That's how I think about God, at least the God I am seeking and eventually finding. He doesn't live in the little boxes that fit the bits of God we can see and think we understand. He's huge, bigger than anything we could ever hope to understand, and he reveals himself however he sees fit. In my life, he's revealed himself mostly in horror stories. Maybe he knew I would understand the darkness better than anything else, who knows. But I've found God more in horror stories than I have anywhere else, and I'm planning to write more about that in the coming months, but before I do, I think I have to make a post explaining this as best I can.
I was talking with someone after church this morning, and the talk strayed, as it often does, to more political matters. I've been hoping that maybe we can reach out more to people in this area who don't realize that they will be welcomed and accepted at our church, and people tell me we don't have to fly a banner to say we accept people, our faith is bigger than that, etc. It seems that I'm always in this place, trying to fly a banner and having people tell me I don't see the big picture, and it makes me tired.
If anyone knows that life is bigger than one piece in one banner, it's me. Tell the vegan who grew up catching squirrels and skinning and dressing them so she'd have food to eat that life is bigger than one label or one piece. Tell the huge diehard horror fanatic who graduated with a degree in English Literature and was baptized as a Mormon, Evangelical, apastolic Pentecostal who now identifies as an Episcopalian, that life is bigger than one title or one label.
I get it, folks. I get it better than you may realize, because my life has been a series of contradictions, definitions that didn't define me, labels that fsilef to describe me, gates that couldn't hold me, and wonderings that never ceased. Every person's life is bigger than any one definition, one banner, one truth. We're all part of a whole greater than some of our parts. I know this. But let's say we recognized that people might be accepting if one part of us, one aspect of our lives that always seems to cause conflict, one piece of us that we get sick of talking about sometimes because no one understands us and people talk to us like we haven't thought of every angle, haven't read every book we could find, haven't considered every option. What if we thought there was one church, one place, where we were welcomed to be our whole selves, where we didn't have to hide or pretend to be normal (whatever THAT means) or constantly give a defense for who we are, but were just accepted, no matter what? Don't you think we would want to seek out that church and go there? Don't you think the possibility of having a community of friends who didn't expect anything from us but were just happy we showed up, don't you think we would love a place like that?
I'm of the mind that anything that tells people we love them and we care more about God's message of love for them than anything that people might say about politics is a good thing. Love God, love others, nothing else matters to me. Anything else is too great a weight to bear. So I'm going to be posting more in the coming months, God willing, and I'm going to be telling more of my story, mostly because keeping it bottled up is wearing me down, but I hope you'll all remember and know that whether we agree or disagree on everything, we should choose love, because anything else it too great a weight to carry.
You can have a big box
You can have a little box
But if your God is in the box
Your God is very small
You can have a plain box
You can have a fancy box
But if you think that God is in the box
You don't know God at all
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