2010 Academy Awards

8:32 - Hey, it's Neil Patrick Harris. Time for a musical number. "No One Wants to Do It Alone." Is it just me or do the Oscars look smaller this year? It looks like they're in a small theater with only a couple hundred people sitting there. I think the camera is filming that way on purpose to make things seem more "intimate."

8:34 - Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are lowered from the ceiling on a golden glittery swing. Big production, let me tell you.

8:35 - Making fun of Meryl Streep for having the most nominations ("or as I like to say it, most losses.")

8:36 - Noting differences in voting this year. Best Picture has 10 nominees this year ("when we learned that the Best Picture nominees had doubled this year, everyone in Hollywood thought the same thing...what is five times two?")

8:39 - Praising Mo'Nique's performance. She did a spectacular job freaking me the fuck out in "Precious." Steve Martin is reminded that the Academy doesn't often nominate stand-up comedians.

8:40 - donning 3D glasses to stare at James Cameron. Soon come a flock of floating CGI tree spirits across the screen (Steve Martin quickly dispatches them with some Off...now that was funny).

8:41 - Some "ex" jokes for Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron (they used to be married, for anyone who didn't know).

8:42 - "In Inglorious Basterds, Christoph Waltz plays a Nazi obsessed with finding Jews...well Christoph," *gestures toward audience* "Here you are...the motherlode." Admit it, you laughed.

8:43 - Is it just me or does George Cloony look PISSED? He doesn't seem to like them making fun of him so much on the stage (seriously, he looks like he wants to stab them in the face).

8:44 - The nominees for best supporting actor. Last year there were no film clips showcasing the movies. Big mistake. This year, the film clips are back (and the peasants rejoiced).

8:45 - They really make me want to see "Invictus." That alone is a feat. See? THIS is why you show movies clips, academy. It piques interest by condensing the film to its best moments.

8:47 - Fuck, Stanley Tucci is creepy as hell. I want to see "The Lovely Bones" now.

8:47b - Christoph Waltz is SO going to win this.

8:48 - Yep, I thought so. Christoph Waltz won. Penelope Cruz isn't much for bringing suspense. She didn't even speak slowly when she opened the envelope containing the winner's name, she says "AndthewinnerisChristophWaltz." Ok, Speed Racer.

8:49 - What's with the fucking "Knot's Landing" music when everyone is walking offstage, academy? I'll pause here for all you youngins to Google "Knot's Landing."

8:50 - Montage of "The Blindside." Damn I want to see this movie. I remember what it was like when I got my first bed, so when I hear that line from the movie, I can totally relate.

8:52 - First commercial break and we've only handed out one award. I thought the broadcast was going to be SHORTER this year? FFS academy. Think of the old people who have to sit up late and liveblog this thing.

8:55 - Cameron Diaz and Steve Carell. Cameron Diaz usually sounds more conversational, but she's stumbling all over herself. Apparently the teleprompter was on the fritz.

8:57 - All the animated stars of the best animated feature film nominees sit down for interviews. This was actually pretty funny. Well done, academy.

8:58 - Of course "Up" wins. So far things are pretty predictable. I'm not knocking it, I loved "Up," but still, it would be nice to get a surprise here at some point in the night.

8:59 - That acceptance speech was adorable.

9:00 - Amanda Seyfrid and Miley Cyrus take the stage. The screen melts from too much HOTT on one stage. Ok, that didn't really happen, but it COULD have.

9:01 - Miley Cyrus fumbles in her speech and admits she's nervous. I love her.

9:02 - Wow, "The Princess and the Frog" has some great music. I can't wait for my pre-ordered DVD to come!

9:03 - "The Weary Kind" is actually a great song. I really want to see "Crazy Heart" now.

9:04 - And "The Weary Kind" wins. Awesome job, guys. I'm tearing up as the song plays while they're walking to the stage.

9:05 - Chris Pine introduces the montage for "District 9." When I saw the trailers for this in theaters, I never thought it would be nominated for an academy award, let alone Best Picture. People can bitch all they want about how it's only in because there are 10 nominees, I'm still grateful that as a horror fan, I feel represented in the awards this year.

9:06 - 36 minutes in, second commercial break, and we've only given out two awards. This is going to be a long night. *dies*

9:11 - "The Academy Awards: the biggest night in Hollywood since last time." Alec Baldwin speaks the truth.

9:13 - Acting is "a collaboration between handsome people and sickly little mole people." HA, this is hilarious.

9:14 - This "Best original Screenplay montage is annoying. Do we really need someone to read the screenplay over the scene? I get what you're doing, trying to show the words contributing to the creation of the movie, but ugh.

9:15 - "The Hurt Locker" wins. I predict this one will win a lot of awards tonight.

9:16 - Mark Boal kind of looks like Keanu Reeves, but he's more articulate. I love when he says "Kathryn Bigelow, this belongs to you" even though he won for his writing. And he thanks the troops, and his father, who recently died. This was a sweet speech. He packed a lot of heart into two minutes.

9:18 - Matthew Broderick and Molly Ringwald take the stage to honor John Hujghes. I grew up with Ferris Bueller, as well as the rest of these movies, helped shape my childhood years, so the coming montage was great for me. I forgot how many John hughes movies I watched as a kid and a teen.

9:20 - "It's just unavoidable. When you grow up, your heart dies." What a great line.

9:21 - "Life movies pretty fast. you don't stop and slow down every once in awhile, you might miss it." Another great line. John Hughes was a genius.

9:23 - John Hughes' family stands up in the audience for a standing ovation. This speech is too sad.

9:23b - The "Up" montage reminds me what a great movie this is. Cue the waterworks.

9:27 - Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana take the stage to honor the best animated short film of the year. They're explaining why it's important to honor short films. The filmmakers in the following montage make a good case. I'll admit, sometimes I think of this as "one of the boring filler awards" but I'm sure it's important to the people who win. Plus they're right, some of my favorite filmmakers made short films before they went on to make my favorite movies.

9:31 - "Logorama" actually looks pretty cool.

9:31b - And lo and behold, it wins! I have to check it out now.

9:32 - This speech is great. "I have to thank the one-thousand unofficial sponsors of this film." Way to snark about all the logos you ganked to make your cartoon. I like this guy.

9:33 - The nominees for "Best Documentary Short."

9:34 - The guy who wins for "Music by Prudence" runs to the stage holding his hands over his face...Roger Ross Williams is obviously excited, and it's really sweet. I'm glad he won.

9:35 - They get yanked off the stage when they're not done with their speech. Classy, academy.

9:36 - The nominees for best live-action short. Let's hope no one gets kicked off the stage this time.

9:36b - "The New Tenants" wins. The speech is pretty funny. John Baron says he doesn't know if he should dance, and Tivi Magnusson waves him off, like "pfft, stop it." that was a cute moment. too bad their speech gets cut short by the loud interrupting music. Jesus Academy, stop being such pricks tonight.

9:38 - Ben Stiller in full "avatar" makeup, mocking the alien language from the movie. "I am here to present the award for best makeup...the irony is that "Avatar" isn't even nominated...I should've just worn my Spock ears because Star Trek is actually nominated...I have two pairs from the original series, both signed by Leonard Nimoy. But that would have been too nerdy. This is much cooler."

9:41 - "Star Trek" wins for best makeup. One of the guys sneaks in a "Happy Anniversary baby!" before the music crushes them all.

9:43 - "A Serious Man" is introduced with a montage. You can tell this is a Cohen brothers movie. It's all weird and stuff. It's hard to compile clips from any of their movies into anything that makes sense.

9:48 - The best adapted screenplay nominees. More words appearing over scenes from the movie. This one is less awkward.

9:50 - Jeffrey Fletcher wins for "Precious." I'm glad. He did a good job turning that material into something powerful. I really need to watch this movie all the way through.

9:51 - Jeffrey Fletcher is going to make me cry. Again.

9:52 - Queen Latifah takes the stage to talk about the Governor's awards (lifetime achievement awards).

9:54 - "To the filmmakers who have the courage to take a chance, I tell you, keep taking chances." Roger Corman is awesome.

9:54b - The camera pans the crowd and finds Penelope Cruz looking very bored. Whoops.

9:55 - Best supporting actress nominees announced by Robin Williams.

9:56 - I want to marry Vera Farminga. And Penelope Cruz. And I kind of want to punch George Cloony for making Vera Farminga cry.

9:57 - I want to marry Maggie Gyllenhaal too. Peter Sarsgaard is a lucky man. And I want to punch Jeff Bridges for making Maggie Gyllenhaal cry.

9:59 - Damn, Mo'nique deserves this award.

9:59b - And she wins. I love you, Mo'nique. I teared up when she thanked her husband.

10:01 - Colin Firth introduces the montage for best picture nominee "An education." I want to see this movie now.

10:05 - Sigorney Weaver takes the stage to introduce the nominees for art direction. "Avatar" really deserves this. So does "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus."

10:07 - "Avatar" Wins. I'm glad, too. The damn "Avatar" guy is making me cry too ("13 years ago I was told I had two years to live and I thought this dream of standing here would never happen"). Everyone is out to get me tonight.

10:09 - The award for best costume design. "He directed 'A Single Man' and she weighs a single pound." HAHAHA!

10:10 - "The Young Victora" wins. I didn't see that coming. Guess I'm not going to win that damn Oscar poll. Regardless, her costumes were beautiful and Sandy Powell really deserved this. I love it when she says "I already have two of these..." and then dedicates her award to the designers who aren't often recognized, those who work on independent movies and movies that don't get nominated for awards like this. She seems pretty classy.

10:12 - Charlize Theron introduces the montage for "Precious." And I'm crying again. I'm going to buy stock in Kleenex after tonight, dammit.

10:17 - Making fun of "Paranormal Activity." I actually laughed out loud.

10:18 - Honoring horror movies. I love it. This is my montage.

10:22 - Way to give away the end of the movie assholes.

10:22b - Why the hell is Zac Efron onstage? At least we get Morgan Freeman announcing the winners. His explanation of best sound editing is a good one. As a fan of war movies, "Black Hawk Down" taught me an appreciation of the art of sound editing.

10:24 - :"The Hurt Locker" wins. I love it when a good war movie wins this category. Paul N.J. Ottosan gives a stirring speech, too. He sounds genuinely appreciative.

10:26 - Isn't "sound mixing" a part of "sound editing"? Weird. Regardless, "The Hurt Locker" wins again and Paul N.J. Ottosan has to get back onstage again. He's so funny. "Again, thank you so much." These guys know how to give a short speech. I should get some pointers because I suck at this.

10:28 - More snarking James Cameron for his 3D tech knowledge.

10:29 - The "Inglorious Basterds" montage. They make this movie sound better than it was (sue me, I fell asleep).

10:34 - Sandra Bullock takes the stage. I love her dress, seriously. "The cinematographer is...usually the first person I befriend onset. Seriously. the conversation goes something like this: Dude, make me look good." That's what cinematographers do, really. Make everything look good.

10:35 - Avatar wins. I wonder if James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow are keeping score?

10:37 - Demi Moore is here. Wow, her dress is gorgeous too. She's introducing the montage of those who've died this year ("God's hit list," as my friend Dani calls it).

10:38 - James Taylor is going to be performing the song live this year over the montage. Aww. I miss David Carradine. Dom DeLuise too.

10:39 - I forgot about Brittany Murphy. *tear*

10:40 - As predicted, Michael Jackson gets the most applause.

10:45 - Best original score nominees.

10:46 - There are going to be dancers dancing onstage to the music of the nominated movies? Really? That's kind of cool. Who came up with that idea?

10:47 - The League of Extraordinary Dancers looks kind of creepy honoring the score for "The Hurt Locker." It's a hard piece to dance to, though.

10:50 - The dance to the music from "Up" is even creepier. I wonder how long they rehearsed this dance?

10:50b - The music to "Avatar" was made for dancing.

10:52 - Finally getting to the list of nominees. And "Up" wins. Damn, that's a long stage. Michael Giacchino looks like he doesn't know where to walk. You need as guide dog to get around up there.

10:53 - "If you wanna be creative, get out there and do it, it's not a waste of time." Great speech Michael.

10:54 - Best visual effects nominees.

10:55 - "Avatar" wins. No big surprise.

10:56 - I love the acceptance speech. He thanks the people watching for supporting his movie and says "Just remember, the world we live in is just as amazing as the one we created for you." That was a cool thing to say.

10:57 - The best picture montage for "Up in the Air."

10:57 - George Cloony still looks pissed. Or bored. Or both.

11:01 - Matt Damon is taking the stage to present the award for best documentary feature.

11:02 - I want "The Cove" to win. Or "Food Inc."

11:03 - Or "Which Way Home."

11:04 - And "The Cove" takes it. Looks like a movie I need to see.

11:05 - Stop cutting people off with your loud music, academy. seriously. this is the last time I'm going to ask. It's classless.

11:05b - Tyler Perry says "they just said my name at the Oscars...I'd better enjoy it, 'cause it's probably never going to happen again." I love Tyler Perry.

11:07 - The nominees for best film editing.

11:07b - "The Hurt Locker" takes it. And the winners are husband and wife. they're so cute! I like their speech. Kudos to them for making an independent feature that took risks.

11:08 - "The Hurt Locker" gets its best picture montage.

11:14 - Best foreign language film...why is Quentin Tarantino onstage presenting? He speaks his own language, sure, but still...

11:17 - "The Secret in their Eyes" wins. Didn't see that one coming. Most people predicted "A Prophet" would win.

11:18 - I love his speech trying to get everything out before he gets kicked off stage.

11:19 - Kathy Bates announces the "Avatar" best picture montage.

11:23 - The best actor nominees get a montage. I know "A Single Man" won't win, but I really want to see it. Did I mention I love Colin Firth? I love Jeff Bridges though, too, and he gave a great performance in "Crazy Heart."

11:26 - George Cloony is smiling for the first time tonight while Vera Farminga is describing him.

11:29 - Tim Robbins describes Morgan Freeman: "I'll never forget what you said to me on the last day of working on "The Shawshank Redemption." You said 'Being a friend is getting the other person a cup of coffee. Could you do that for me, Ted? It Is Ted, right?'" I love Morgan Freeman.

11:32 - Finally we get to the actual award.

11:32b - Jeff Bridges wins it. We all knew that would happen, right? And he gets a standing ovation.

11:33 - He's shaking his Oscar at the sky thanking his mom and dad. Aww.

11:36 - They're not going to cut his speech, dammit. Let the man talk.

11:37 - Just so you know, we're taking a commercial break, and we have three more awards to hand out, and if they all get as long an introduction as Best Actor did, this show will be another hour long.

11:40 - Another long set of intros for the best actress nominees.

11:41 - Sandra Bullock is tearing up. I would be, too. Hell, I AM and they're not even talking about me.

11:44 - Gabourey Sidbe looks shocked that Oprah is announcing her from the stage. Aww, she's tearing up, too.

11:46 - Stanley Tucci is making Meryl Streep cry. Plus he's funny, saying he's going to petition the academy to cap the number of times a person can be nominated at 16, because it's selfish and unseemly for her to be so "greedy" with her nominations.

11:48 - There's that damn "Knot's Landing" music again. Or maybe it's "Dallas." Regardless, Sandra Bullock wins. Good for her. I've always loved her.

11:49 - "Did I really earn this or did I just wear you all down?" Seriously, I love you, Sandra.

11:51 - "I would like to thank what this film is about for me, which is the moms that take care of the babies and the children, no matter where they come from." And then she thanks her mom and makes me cry again for the zillionth time this night.

11:53 - Barbara Streisand takes the stage to announce the nominees for best director. I think Cameron is going to win, but I'd love it is Bigelow won, or Lee Daniels, because his movie was great. Or if Quentin Tarantino won, I'd love that because I've loved him for years, even if I didn't like this particular movie.

11:55 - Kathryn Bigelow wins. First time a woman has won best director. I'm really happy for her. She directed "Near Dark," which is one of my favorite movies, so it's great to see her talent finally rewarded.

11:57 - She dedicates her award to the women and men risking their lives in the military. Awesome.

11:58 - Ew, don't play "I am Woman" as she leaves the stage. Seriously, quit patting yourself on the back, academy. I'm glad she has a vagina, but she deserved this award because she's a great director, not because she has a vagina.

11:59 - "The Hurt Locker" wins best picture and half the audience takes the stage. It's always great when an indie wins, plus they upset the great giant James Cameron, plus she used to be married to James Cameron, so haha! This win is an upset. Not a total surprise, but I'm happy just the same.

12:01 - "Another dedication, to everyone around the world who wears a uniform...they're there for us, and we're there for them."

12:02 - "This show was so long that "Avatar" now takes place in the past." Well said, Steve Martin.

So not many surprises, but it was fun just the same. Thanks for spending the night with me.