Out of the Box

Burlesque

2011-12-14T12:02:00.003-05:00

I'm a sucker for the "small town girl moves to the big city and achieves her dream" kind of movie, so I loved this movie. It bears much resemblance to "Coyote Ugly" and movies of that ilk (some of the scenes are even exactly the same as those from "Coyote Ugly") but that's ok, because I love those movies too, so I don't mind. here, Christina Agiulera plays the small town girl who gets a job at a club in the big city and dreams of dancing and singing onstage like the girls she sees at the club. Of course the owner of the club doesn't want to let her, and of course she gets her chance and proves everyone wrong ans achieves her dream and yes, you know what's going to happen before you put the movie in, but so? I repeat my mantra: not every movie needs to be "Citizen Kane."

The music and the dancing in this movie is top notch. when Christina burst onto the scene in the 90s, she was part of a wave of teen pop that was fun but overproduced, so for years, no one recognized that she could sing this well, but she can. She has an AMAZING voice, and she KILLS every song in this movie, even though I'll be honest, I don't really like a lot of the songs she sings in this movie. I love her voice, but hate the lyrics. they gave Cher the best song, which is ok by me, since she, too, has an amazing voice and I love to hear her sing. she's been one of my favorites my entire life. she's also a lot of fun in this movie, and her sarcastic back-and-forth banter with Christina and with Stanley Tucci (lovelovelove him too) makes the movie a lot of fun to watch

For Colored girls

2011-12-05T09:38:00.002-05:00

I have been sorely misinformed about this movie. I thought it was going to be a documentary with people sitting around giving interviews on what it's like for "colored girls" out in the world, because I knew the movie was based on a book and a poem, and it had a lot of recognizable stars in it. It definitely speaks about the experiences of being a colored girl (and woman) in the world, but it's not a documentary, it's actually a movie with a multitude of main characters interwoven and interconnected into one big story. It's something I've loved ever since I read the Charles Dickens novel "Great Expectations" as a child, so I was riveted just because of that. also, the movie is interspersed with lines of poetry and with dance and music (not like a musical, but a bit like performance art) so that was fun for me to watch too.

I have to caution people who might be considering watching this movie, it is HARSH sometimes and it shows things that will hurt, and when you want the camera to pan away or give the characters a happy outcome to complex and often horrific situations, that won't happen. A few times this movie felt too real to me and I felt like I'd been stabbed in the gut, so I do want to warn people since I had no idea how hard this movie would be to watch at times. It's beautiful, though, with great performances from a strong cast, and no pat answers or surface-shiny happy endings, so I appreciated that, too. I think this movie is well worth checking out. I plan to buy it next chance I get.

The King's Speech

2011-12-05T05:07:00.004-05:00

I avoided this movie for a long time, even though I love Colin Firth and Helena Bonham Carter, because I thought it might be too stuffy or boring. It's neither of those things. I found myself sitting on the edge of my seat thrilled with tension because I was waiting for a guy to make a speech. Now THAT takes filmmaking talent. I thought the movie was riveting and am glad I finally checked it out. If you're worried this movie might be too stuffy or boring, give it a chance. I for one loved it.

Beastly

2011-12-05T03:51:00.003-05:00

Ok, I know this movie is a fantasy and all, but who in hell think Alex Pettyfer thinks he looks like he's in high school? What is he, 30? Give me a break. At least Vanessa Hudgens looks younger than she is. Plus I know this is missing the point of the movie and all, but does anyone else think the main character looks better after he turns into the beast? I happen to like tattoos and piercings, so I think he looks much better with them (and much better after he loses the hair he has at the beginning of the movie...dude, you look ten times better without it).

But like I said, this movie is a fantasy, and for all its glossy shallowness, it's still a fun watch. It's not trying to be realistic or anything (on what planet would Mary Kate Olson be the ugly girl in school?) And honestly, for a movie that seems to be trying to say that beauty is as much about what is inside as what is outside, it does like to contradict its own message all the time. When the "witch" Kendra turns Alex Pettyfer (Kyle) into the beast and he's supposed to be "as aggressively ugly on the outside as he is on the inside" I still don't think he looks bad (he looks better! Come on people, it can't just be me here). so yeah, "beauty is on the inside...look at all these ugly tattooed freaks omg!" It could be better if it stopped stepping on its own toes for five minutes, but it's not a bad way to kill two hours.

Anyway, after he disses the "ugly witch" in school, she turns him into a guy with major tattoos and piercings and his rich dad sends him off to live in an apartment in the city away from prying eyes, and he has a year to make someone fall in love with him. And that's when the movie is good. The developing love between the lead characters is actually sweet to watch. And the side characters, played by Lisa Gay Hamilton and Neil Patrick Harris, banter a lot and make the movie more fun. Also, usually in movies like this it's the girl who gives the speech about the end about how she loves the guy and when she's with him she feels beautiful, but in this movie, we get to see the guy make that speech, so it's a nice twist. Plus I always hate how these Beauty and the Beast stories seem to be saying that if you love someone, they'll change and be everything you want, which is shallow and annoying, but at least with this movie and the Disney movie version there are other people's lives at stake, other people affected by the curse too, so that adds an extra element that will benefit from the breaking of the curse. I don't know. This movie isn't perfect, but it was a fun watch, so I dug it.

Why did I Get Married too?

2011-11-21T02:45:00.003-05:00

I heard a lot of bad things about this movie before I watched it (and not just from the same people who bash everything tyler Perry does, even fans of the original "Why did I Get Married" have a lot of problems with this one) so I was apprehensive about watching it. After watching it, I can definitely see why a lot of people don't like it. the first half hour to 45 minutes of this movie feels like we're all just standing around waiting for a plot to happen, because I don't really understand the reason for the movie. It's great to see all the characters again, but I didn't really understand what the movie was going to be about for a long time. I think it takes too long to get going and that lag in the first 45 minutes just feels kind of awkward.

Once things get going though, they hit with a BANG. Let me say that in the first movie, while I liked Patricia (Janet Jackson's character) she felt kind of cold and distant to me and I kind of wished she'd lose it a little and scream and yell and cry a bit. anything to break that wall she'd seemed to build around herself to keep her emotions locked inside. well, let me tell you, in this movie, she doesn't just lose it a little, she loses it a LOT. both she AND Gavin (who was kind of cold and distant himself) spend a lot of this movie yelling and screaming and breaking things, and while I know it's not the healthiest way to express yourself, I appreciated it because I know how harmful it can be to hold in your emotions because you think there's something wrong with expressing them (in fact, this movie might be a perfect example of WHY you shouldn't hold everything in until you explode and start breaking coffee tables with a golf club). In this movie, Gavin and Patricia are still struggling with grief over their son's death, and Gavin is reaching a breaking point over Patricia's refusal to let him in. For Patricia's part, the facade of successful therapist and author is starting to crumble around her, and when it cracks, it EXPLODES.

The other couples are going through tough times too, of course. Marcus and Angela are always fighting, but it seems that Angela's lack of trust is hitting a high point and Marcus is getting sick of always having to defend himself against her attacks. Dianne and Terry had the little boy that Terry always wanted, but Terry is starting to suspect that Dainne's recent happiness has more to do with another man than with he and the kids. Sheila and her new husband Troy are handling the stress of having a new baby, moving to a new state, and dealing with Troy's unemployment, as well as Mike's sudden interest in getting back into his ex wife's life. I have to say, Mike redeemed himself in this movie. I spent most of the first movie wanting to beat the shit out of him, but in this movie at one point I actually yelled at the screen "Oh my God, no one learned ANYTHING from the first movie except MIKE!" Mike starts off slow, but by the end of the movie, he seems like a genuinely good guy, and I can finally see what everyone saw in him being friends with him all those years.

This movie isn't perfect. It kind of feels like a truncated season of a TV show rather than a movie, so it feels like a lot is left out, but there's enough good here that I enjoyed the movie, cried a little, laughed a little, and actually wouldn't mind seeing a third installment if tyler Perry is inclined to make one. I can definitely see why people didn't like this movie, and the awkwardness is a bit much to handle, but it has enough good that I enjoyed watching it and wouldn't mind adding it to my collection as well.

Why did I Get Married?

2011-11-21T02:23:00.003-05:00

I always get a lot of crap for liking Tyler Perry movies. I don't know what this man did, but whatever it was, it was bad enough to make some people rabidly hate him and bash everything he makes. If you don't like his movies, fine, but I happen to like them, so leave me the hell alone. not only that, but I think his movies keep getting better and better. this movie is a case in point. I didn't think it would be possible for me to love one of his movies more than "I Can Do Bad all by Myself," but I think "Why Did I Get Married?" might be even better than that, which is a feat I never thought he'd achieve.

This movie introduces us to four couples who meet every year for a week long marriage retreat, to re-evaluate why they love each other so much and why they want to stay married. Marcus and Angela are always fighting, loudly and everywhere about anything and everything. Dianne and terry love each other, but Dianne's job keeps her away from home most nights, and they don't seem to see eye to eye about having another baby. Gavin and Patricia are the core of the group. Patricia is a successful author and therapist who wrote the book detailing the principles the couples use to evaluate their marriages during the retreat. They love each other, but they've recently suffered a devastating loss, and they don't seem to know how to relate and reconnect anymore. And then there's Sheila and Mike. Sheila is overweight (a fact that Mike harps on all the time during his constant put-downs) is harried and at her wit's end trying to figure out how to save her marriage. Mike is emotionally and verbally abusive, constantly bashing everything Sheila is and does and making cracks about her appearance every chance he gets. he seems to have no interest in saving his marriage, even bringing along another woman to the marriage retreat (who is supposed to be a friend of Sheila's but doesn't act very friendly toward her, instead choosing to be friendly toward Mike).

Each of these couples have problems, but it is Mike and Sheila's marriage that caught my interest the most. I'll admit it, I spent most of the movie wanting to jump through the screen and beat Mike in the face. He is such a jerk to his wife, always putting her down, so much so that she often does it herself, without his help, even when other people compliment her or her looks. It's heartbreaking to see her reach out to Mike over and over again in an attempt to reconnect, only to have him beat her down again. the other couples aren't faring well either, finding that the things that are driving them apart are getting stronger than their attempts to hold everything together. during a climactic dinner party scene, all the secrets come out, and the fallout from that dinner party will take a lot to repair...if repair is even possible.

I really liked all these couples (well, except for Mike) so I was rooting for them to get their acts together (again, except for Mike...the only thing I wanted him to get together was a long fall off a cliff). The movie really touched me. I spent most of it crying, and laughing, and crying. angela is responsible for most of the laughs here. I loved seeing her take everyone to task and stand up for her friends. Because of the scenes with Mike putting Sheila down, the movie is often hard to watch, but I definitely think it's worthwhile.

Rabbit Hole

2011-11-21T02:13:00.003-05:00

I tend to have the attention spam of a flea these days, as I've said before, so when I first started this movie I had no idea what was going on and I had to turn it off after about 20 minutes and come back to it later to give it another chance. I really like Nicole Kidman, so I wasn't about to pass the movie by without giving her a chance, and it turns out that this is really a good movie, though it's very subtle and quiet in its storytelling, so I really had to pay attention to fully appreciate what was going on.

The plot of the movie is that this couple has recently lost their young son to an accident, and they're trying to work through their grief and put their lives back together while everything seems to be falling apart around them. they try to go to a grief counseling group, but that just seems to be awkward and not much help (and the parents who say losing a child is "all part of God's plan" really piss them off, which I don't blame them for). Family and friends don't really know what to say to help, and they don't know what to say to each other, so they sort of float through life in this trancelike state, wondering if things are ever going to get better.

It's harrowing stuff, and without giving anything away, I can say that this movie doesn't offer easy resolutions or pat answers, and there are scenes that are hard to watch because the movie refuses to sugar coat the awkward, heart-wrenching feeling of not knowing how to pick up the pieces after a tragedy. I'm impressed that this movie was willing to go there and stay there, even when its hard to watch. Definitely worth checking out, though it's not always easy to watch.

Colin

2011-11-21T01:58:00.003-05:00

The funny thing about this movie is that a few months ago, I hadn't even heard of it. Around the time the October horror movie challenge was going on, I heard a few people mention that they'd seen it and that it was a decent independent horror flick, and so I added it to my blockbuster queue based solely upon that recommendation. I knew nothing about this movie, didn't even know what it was about, and I couldn't really tell from the cover picture (is that kid a vampire or a zombie?) So I got this movie in the mail and I let it sit around my house for about a week, and then one day I'm tired and bored so I decide to watch the movies I got from Blockbuster, but I don't know if I'm in the mood to watch "Colin," so I decide that if I'm too tired after watching the first two movies, I'll just return it without watching it. I watch the other two movies and I figure I'll give "Colin" a shot, too, so I put it in, and then proceed to spend the next two hours glued to the screen, transfixed. I LOVED this movie, and it cracks me up not how a movie went from being one I wasn't even interested in watching to being one of the best horror movies I've seen this year.

"Colin" is a zombie movie (not a vampire movie, just to clear that up) and it's unlike any other zombie movie I've ever seen. Most of those movies feature people running from the zombies and the suspense comes from wondering if they will escape the zombies or not. In this movie, the main character, Colin, becomes a zombie in the first few minutes of the movie, and the rest of the movie is spent watching life from his perspective. that might sound boring (I know I sure as hell wouldn't have given the movie a chance if I'd known that this was the premise, because who wants to see a zombie lurch around for two hours?) but somehow, it works. Colin isn't a typical brain-dead member of some flesh eating horde. He clearly has some consciousness left, and it's sad to watch him stagger around, not really fitting into the zombie world any better than he fit into the human world. It's sad to see Colin's family react to him as well, since they obviously want to find some way to cure him but it doesn't seem to be possible, though this doesn't stop them from loving him and being sad that he's gone (even while he's technically still alive). That drama is handled well and adds to the overall sad feeling of the movie.

The special effects aren't anything spectacular, but I was impressed as hell with how real they looked (especially considering that this movie was supposedly made for about 70 US dollars...this makes me want to go out and make my own movie, if a movie this good can be made that cheaply). I was seriously blown away by this movie. every time I started to think "Ok, this is getting kind of long, it can end now" the movie would toss some other plot twist at me and get me hooked all over again. It's such an impressive movie that I want to run out and buy a copy (and buy copies for all my friends). Well worth checking out. Tell all your friends.

Somebody Help Me

2011-11-21T01:45:00.002-05:00

You know, I watched "Somebody Help Me" after I watched a movie that many consider to be a "cult classic" and an "underrated cinematic gem" and blah blah blah blah blah, so I probably had a better experience than I would have had otherwise, but I really enjoyed the hell out of this movie. I like slashers to begin with, so I'm always up for a movie about a group of friends going to a secluded location and getting picked off one by one by a sadistic killer. I've wanted to see this movie since it first came out, and I'm kind of glad I waited, because getting to see it (a movie that of course gets no respect from anyone) after seeing a movie that everyone slathers with praise highlighted for me the reason why I like this movie and why I have great amounts of disdain for the other one. That movie, to be sure, had some scenes that were brilliant, but hey were buried under piles of boring crap. This movie, while never approaching anything "genius" or "brilliant" nevertheless was a TON more fun to watch than the other one, because this movie was consistently entertaining, whereas that other movie had flashed of brilliance that were lost in a sea of pointless crap that had me wanting to gouge my own eyes out from sheer boredom.

This movie has a premise we've probably all heard before. A group of college students goes to spend a weekend partying in a secluded cabin. There's a sadistic madman on the loose, and when their friends start disappearing one by one, these characters must try to put a stop to the killer before it's too late. I definitely enjoyed how the movie's tagline that there are things worse than death plays out in the movie. seeing some of what this madman does to his victims is pretty freaky, and the worst part is imagining being kept alive praying for rescue, waiting for help that doesn't come. It's nothing I haven't seen before, but the movie did well with its premise.

Also, the acting was WAAAAYYYYYY better than a lot of what we see in movies like this. the two main actors, Marques Houston and Omarion, interact and exchange dialogue that makes it easy to believe they are friends. Sometimes the dialogue in movies like this can be painful to watch, but it was fun watching these two onscreen because they sounded like actual friends talking, not two guys who sound like they're reciting their lines. I appreciated the effort, and it made me like their characters more.

The plot isn't really original, but it had some touches that added to the suspense. Little kids always up the creep factor in movies like this, and this one was no exception. The characters also fight for their lives instead of standing around waiting to be picked off, which made me root for them, and they actually have a halfway intelligent reason for staying at the house instead of running away once people start disappearing, which always helps. all in all, this movie isn't anything groundbreaking, but it made this slasher fan happy, and that's all I asked for.

Seconds

2011-11-21T01:21:00.003-05:00

Here's the thing about John Frankenheimer, the director of this movie, and I have to get this out of the way before I say anything else. Everyone goes on and on about what a genius he is, and it frustrates me and makes me want to pull all the hair out of my head. Not because I don't think Frankenheimer is a genius, but because he IS. If he weren't, if he were a two-bit hack who should never be allowed near a camera for any reason, then I would be fine with his movies. I would probably even love them, because the moments when his movies transcend their medium and become not just films but ART, those moments would shine if he weren't a very good director. I would be impressed and I'd probably fall all over myself to praise him too. Because he rose above my expectations and created something great.

Here's the thing, though. Because John Frankenheimer IS a great director, because I KNOW he's capable of creating art, and BECAUSE his movies are full of genuinely great moments, I can't just sit here and praise him. I can't give him a pass when over half an hour of this movie is blathering, plodding, slow, boring, mind-numbingly pointless, and insulting to my intelligence. BECAUSE John Frankenheimer knows better, and because he is capable of creating some of the GREAT scenes on display in this movie, I have to take him to task for wasting my time with over half an hour of useless footage that bogs this movie down when it could have been an hour long and been a BRILLIANT film. It would have made a great movie if he'd cut all the pointless stuff that we don't need to see, all the repetitive garbage that's supposed to make us feel disoriented and send us into a dreamlike state, but is more likely to send us into an ACTUAL dream state when we fall asleep out of pure boredom. THIS is what pisses me off about John Frankenheimer. He ALWAYS does this crap. He did it in his OTHER movie I saw, called "Prophecy" (not to be confused with "THE Prophecy" with a creepy christopher Walken) and it makes me want to track him down and smack him in the face for not only wasting my time but for ruining a movie that would have been great if he'd gotten out of his own goddamn way and learned when to shut the fuck up and leave well enough alone.

The premise of this movie is intriguing, and like any good episode of The Twilight Zone, the movie keeps it enough under wraps to disorient us while keeping us intrigued and wanting to know more. Basically, a man who is dissatisfied with his life encounters an organization that offers him a chance to start his life anew. Plastic surgery gives him an all-new appearance, he gets a new job and a new place to live and a new life. It's a dream come true...or is it? The thing is, since it took like, two sentences for me to explain this premise to you and I'm sure you understood it, there's no need for Frankenheimer to try and beat the idea into our heads that this guy is uncomfortable in this new life, that things aren't perfect, and that he's not happy. We get that point. we got it BEFORE we started the movie, so to spend over a half hour of useless, boring, repetitive, redundant, bullshit footage to drive home the point we already understood before we even watched the movie? THAT is the kind of thing that makes me want to track Frankenheimer down and smack him in the face. Seriously, there's a scene involving grapes and wine that drove me into a homicidal rage because it was so repetitive and pointless. I'm also sure that an audience who was used to seeing Rock Hudson laughing it up with Doris Day was freaked out at the thought that someone wouldn't want to live Rock Hudson's life. The idea that even "beautiful, successful people" can have horrible lives probably added to the shock value for this movie back when it was released. I honestly wish this movie was better, because there are so many positive things going for it that it's really infuriating to see Frankenheimer systematically ruin them one by one. Sure, the ending was powerful, but did I really have to wade through so much shit to get there? If I could edit out the pointless bullshit scenes and make this movie into the hour long masterpiece it's begging to be, I would, but as it stands, it's a great idea buried under a pile of shit that is worth a watch for sure, but is infuriating because it could have been so much more if Frankenheimer had known when to shut the fuck up and leave well enough alone.

Never Let Me Go

2011-11-21T00:59:00.003-05:00

now this is a movie that takes some settling in before I can write a fair review. I tend to have the attention span of a flea these days, and I've wanted to see this movie for over a year, but when I finally put it in the DVD player, my attention was wandering around the room, and I didn't understand why I should care about what was happening to these characters, and I was tempted to turn the movie off. then the movie jumps ahead, and these "kids" are in their late teens/early college years, and again, I don't really understand why I should give a crap about what's going on, though at least there's some drama now that they're old enough for a love triangle to crop up. then the movie jumps ahead AGAIN, and at this point I kind of want to stab the filmmakers, but what happens in this third act manages to tie everything that came before together so beautifully that it made my heart ache, and it totally changed my view of everything that had come before. I'm just glad I was patient enough to get to that point.

First of all, let me say that I wasn't kidding when I said my attention was wandering. somehow, I was glancing around the room and so I missed what was apparently a rather lengthy explanation that flashed across the screen in the beginning of the movie. I managed to figure out most of what was going on without reading this explanation, but I recommend you read it, because it helps put everything you're seeing into a context and it makes the events of the movie make much more sense. Essentially, it is the future, and science has discovered a way for people to live well past the age of 100, but it comes at what I think is a pretty horrific cost. The children in the boarding school in this movie are clones, and they will live out their childhood and teenage years, and then when they reach a certain age, they will begin having their organs harvested. their organs are then transplanted into other people, thereby allowing the other people to live for many more years after their original organs fail.

*shivers*

Seriously, this premise freaked me out. It still freaks me out. I mean, brrr. I used to watch movies and read books like this and enjoy seeing a world that was so different from my world, but now when I read these books or watch these movies, all I can think about is what will happen if our world BECOMES this world? It's a frightening world to have to imagine. These kids are basically harvested for spare parts until they can no longer survive and they die, and society deems this as ok because these kids are cloned from the dregs of society (drug addicts, prostitutes, the poor unwashed, you get the idea). So society sees nothing wrong with using these kids for spare parts because they don't see these kids as people. Um, ew. The explanation that flashed across the screen sets this up, but I missed it, so I didn't understand why the boarding school scenes were important because nothing significant seems to happen. the kids take classes, make some art, and hang out, but nothing groundbreaking is going on. It's only with the revelations in the third act where we learn WHY these activities were so important that the early scenes start to have more of an impact.

The acting in this movie is top notch. I love Kiera Knightly and Carey Mulligan anyway, but they really shine in this movie. their roles are complex and they manage to portray characters that aren't always the easiest to understand. I mean, it would be easy to want to hate Kiera Knightly's character for being such a self-centered bitch, but then none of us really know what it's like to know from the moment that we're born when we're going to die and how, to know we're going to waste away so someone else somewhere can live a long and happy life, so in that context, it's hard to blame her for wanting to carve out some happiness for herself. And it's easy to want to reach through the screen and smack Carey Mulligan's character for being so passive and accepting this horrible society without trying to fight for anything for herself, but again, we don't live in this society where everything is so set in stone and everything is accepted, even this horrific system for harvesting people for their organs, so it's hard not to admire her for being strong and caring in the face of what is a pretty terrifying fate. Andrew Garfield does a great job here, too. The scene at the end with him smiling at Carey Mulligan through a window is such a quiet scene, but it haunts me. It's stuck in my mind and won't go away. That's a lot of power for one scene to have, and it's just one reason why I loved this movie so much.

I have to say, I wound up loving this movie and I want to read the book now and I want to buy the movie and watch it a million more times. It's very quiet and subtle at the beginning, but give it a chance. You won't regret it.

And when I'm not watching movies...

2011-11-14T06:19:00.002-05:00

I read!

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 81: Paranormal Activity 3

2011-11-01T14:19:00.002-04:00

So knowing that the first movie frightened me into hysterics, what did I do? Why I decided to watch the second and third installments on the same night, within hours of each other, and I nearly gave myself a heart attack.

Here's the thing with these movies. They don't have a lot of special effects; they're just regular people hanging out in their house when suddenly things start happening that can't really be explained by natural causes, and the people get more and more frightened and everything builds to a conclusion that usually doesn't end favorably for everyone involved. In most movies like this, you scream for the people to get out of the house, but in these movies that won't necessarily help, because the evil is attached to the people, not to the house, so it can follow them even if they move. Furthermore, the demon/evil presence thing seems to feed on fear, so the more people get scared of it, the stronger it grows. Even trying to cast it out seems to give it the attention it needs to grow stronger. It's impossible to fight. The only way to stop it is to give it whatever it wants, which is usually something indispensable, like your soul. It's a terrifying premise for me. That's why, no matter how cheesy the movies get, the underlying mythology of what's happening to these people is enough to make my skin crawl right off my body and hide in the closet. And even there it's not safe.

This movie certainly has its flaws. The video quality, being from the 80s (supposedly) is bad, and sometimes it's hard to see what's going on, and the twisty explanation for the events onscreen is a little hokey, though I think in the end it works. I'll be honest with you. I love children, I adore them, I think they're wonderful...but they creep me OUT sometimes. This movie is chock full of little kid creepiness. It also has some gags involving regular household objects falling or flying around that manage to creep me out. One particular scene involving a white bedsheet probably shouldn't have worked, but it scared me so badly that I screamed and cried (it is embarrassing to watch movies with me in a theater). Once the characters finally realize what is going on it's mostly too late, and the climax of this movie really had me torn. On the one hand, I was tempted to roll my eyes at the cheesiness of it, on the other, I was thinking in the back of my mind "damn, I have to go home alone after this and sleep..." not a good thing. Every noise in the house was amplified and seemed sinister and foreboding.

That's the thing about these movies. They feature regular people in regular houses, except in these movies, those noises, those bumps in the night you hear when you're lying alone in bed at night? The ones you tell yourself are nothing? They are SOMETHING. something evil that can come after you and stalk you throughout the years until it finally kills you. Nighty-nightmares! That is what makes the movies work for me. In spite of everything that may be wrong with them, they remind me that every little spooky noise I hear could be an evil thing that wants to kill me (like I needed another excuse not to ever sleep again). The movie may not be great, but I do think it's good, and it will probably haunt my dreams for awhile after watching it. If you like these movies, give the third one a chance. Sweet dreams.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 80: Hush, hush Sweet Charlotte

2011-11-01T14:04:00.004-04:00

I love this movie. I mean I LOVELOVELOVE this movie. Really I do. I watched it back when I was a kid and every twisted twist shocked me, and I loved seeing the evil people who do evil things being haunted by the evil they created. It was like watchung one of those old "Tales from the Crypt" and "Vault of Horror" and "Haunt of Fear" stories come to life, and in a lot of ways it was creepier and more effective than the TV show "Tales from the Crypt" ever managed to be. Don't get me wrong, I loved that show, but there's something about reading one of those stories, where despicable people commit despicable acts and are then haunted by something trying to get revenge from beyond the grave that never translated well onto film for me, until I saw this movie when I was ten. Here, houses are haunted by more than ghosts. They are haunted by memories and past misdeeds can catch up to you even years later, and people aren't always what they seem, and things can be so disorienting and confusing that it's hard to know who is a friend and who is out to harm you.

That's the mystery haunting Charlotte in this movie. Years ago, she was all set to run away with her married lover, but her father wouldn't allow it, and on the night she was supposed to escape with him, he was murdered. The image of Charlotte walking into the ballroom of her father's mansion covered in blood and confused about what was going on is a GREAT image that still holds up to this day. Of course, no one was able to pin the murder on Charlotte, but in the small town in which she lived, everyone had her tried and convicted, so she grew to be an old recluse in her father's decaying mansion, getting more and more eccentric every day. By the 1960s, the state is set to tear down the mansion that has been her home and her prison, and she doesn't know what to do. Her cousin Miriam returns, ostensibly to help her, but what really happened all those years ago when the man Charlotte loved was murdered? And what is haunting Charlotte now, trying to scare her to death? Is it her lover's ghost?

This was the first gothic mystery I ever saw as a kid, and it stuck with me. Looking through the gallery of movie posters trying to find the best one to include with this review, I was happy to see this movie has been translated into many languages and seems to be beloved by lots of other people besides me. I'm glad, because I honestly think this is a great movie and I don't often see it getting the praise it deserves. Of course the "mystery" has a solution that is blatantly obvious to me now, but it shocked me as a kid, and even now after seeing this movie many many times over the years, the climax is still just as explosive as it was when I first saw it. I couldn't ask for a better ending. Give this movie a chance. It may be old and dated now, but every time I watch it, it peels back the years to my childhood, and suddenly I'm ten years old again, rooting for the mystery to be solved and the truth to come out and the troubled spirits finally get their revenge. Like I said, I loved it then and I love it now and if you watch it, I hope you have as much fun with it as I do. Happy Halloween.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 79: Pandorum

2011-11-01T13:45:00.003-04:00

I've heard so many mixed things about this movie that I didn't know what to expect. I heard everything from "It's great!" to "It's the worst movie of the year!" and everything in between, so I was unsure about checking it out. One comparison stuck with me, though. someone compared it to another horror/sci-fi movie set on a spaceship, a movie called "Event Horizon," and while I love and adore that movie, a lot of other people hate it, so trusting that the case might be the same with this movie, I decided to buy it and check it out in spite of my reservations. And I'm glad I did.

You know those movies where a group of people wake up to find themselves in a place and they aren't sure how they got there or what's going on and they're fuzzy about the details of their lives leading up to whatever brought them together? The "Saw" movies trade on this scenario a lot, and it's a good one because it's disorienting and confusing and puts the audience at the same disadvantage as the characters in the movie: they don't know what's going on, and they have to find out along with the characters. "Pandorum" uses this setup. A man wakes up in a hypersleep chamber on a spaceship, gets out and is confused about what's going on and what brought him to be where he is. Soon another guy wakes from hypersleep too, and they try to figure out what's going on together.

Crawling through the air vent system in a spaceship is a claustrophobic experience, it would seem, and this movie uses that to great effect. The guys encounter lots of strange things along the way, and they split up and communicate with walkie-talkie like things, and that adds to the tension because each of them are discovering things separately and neither they nor the audience is sure exactly what's going on. Memories return in fits and starts, and soon the men find they aren't alone on the huge, cavernous ship. there are creatures that appear humanoid but are violent and dangerous, and there are other humans aboard, each providing a different piece of the puzzle. Once everything is revealed, it's a fight for survival against horrors both real and imagined (or are they?)

As you can probably tell, this is a very disorienting movie. I actually had to check out the movie's wikipedia page after I was done watching it to make sure I had everything straight, but I don't consider that a bad thing, necessarily. It's a complex plot with a lot of heady imagery and some philosophical ideas mixed in with action and horror, and I loved it, honestly, but I can see why a lot of people didn't. People claim this movie is derivative, and to some extent it is. There's some bits of "Event Horizon" and "Alien" and "Pitch Black" and the "Saw" movies and probably a ton of other movies thrown in here, but it's never so obvious that I thought the movie was actively stealing something from other movies. Rather, I just saw it as showing things that are universally scary and confusing and interesting, and since these experiences are common to a lot of people, they're going to crop up in a lot of movies and books. that doesn't means anyone is stealing from anyone else, it just means that we humans have a common language, and while we have a ton of differences, we also have a lot of experiences and feelings in common, so often we find ourselves telling the same story in a lot of different ways in order to better understand our world.

That sounds like a lot of claptrap, I'm sure. It kind of sounds that way to me, and I'm the one writing it. But I'm serious when I say that this movie has a lot of elements in common with a lot of other movies, but it doesn't "STEAL" anything, it just uses some of the same things to tell its own story, and I don't see that as a bad thing. I like the disorientation of the movie, the thrill of trying to put the puzzle pieces together as they are revealed to us and to the characters, and I like the idea of "pandorum," which is a term for a condition that can affect people in hypersleep, causing them to get shaky and confused and eventually to have delusions and become dangerous and violent. An early scene showing one instance of what happened on a ship where one of the crew suffered from pandorum is very creepy. That image is still stuck in my mind right now as I'm typing this. It gives me the heebie-jeebies and enhances the scariness of my experience. And while I kind of guessed the final "twist" early on because yes, it has been used to some extent in other movies, that's not a bad thing and there are enough other twists along the way to keep me occupied. the bottom line is that not everyone will like this movie, but I think you should give it a fair shake and see it before you decide you think it's a derivative piece of crap. I for one loved it (of course; I don't do anything the way anyone else does).

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 78: The Hills Run Red

2011-11-01T13:37:00.002-04:00

This movie starts off great, then after an hour it turns kind of stupid and annoying, but by the final shot, it's turned itself around enough that I definitely liked it in spite of not liking its twist at first. In the beginning, the movie is about a horror movie geek who is obsessed with finding out the backstory behind "The Hills Run red," an infamous movie released during the 80s slasher craze that was pulled from theaters right after its release for being too sadistic and violent. I feel for the film nerd here, because I would definitely want to track down that movie, too, though I'd like to think I'd be smarter about it than he is.

The interpersonal dramas in this movie were well done, too. Let's just say that the relationship our main nerd Tyler has with his girlfriend is strained, and his best friend has been less than truthful with him as well. When Tyler tracks down the daughter of the director who originally made the film, he finds that she's a drug addict turning tricks in order to get by,. He forces her to get sober and enlists her help in finding the original locations of the movie and helping him flesh out the story for a documentary he's planning. Once the group starts off into the woods following the trail of the director, the movie is set up to be a cool slasher.

This is where things take a turn, and to be honest, I didn't appreciate the twist at first. It got on my nerves, even though I had suspected it to some extent, and I had a hard time with this movie's final hour. there's a lot that's good in it, but there's also some stupid and cheesy overacting from people who had been competent in their performances up to that point, and I was more angry than scared. But like I said, by the final shot of the film, everything has tied itself up into a sufficiently creepy package, so I forgave the movie its faults and enjoyed it for what it was; a better than average slasher movie tailor made for people like me who are huge slasher fans. If you're a fan of slashers, this one is definitely worth checking out.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 77: Paranormal Activity 2

2011-11-01T13:30:00.002-04:00

I feel that I should explain my history with this movie. The first Paranormal Activity scared the shit out of me. I mean I turned on every light in the house and sat up all night crying and singing hymns, afraid to close my eyes. THAT kind of scared. I know that a lot of people think these movies are stupid, and I understand where that is coming from. Take this sequel. A great majority of this movie really does feel like you're watching some stranger's home movies. The original had a better balance of rising and falling action, I think. Scary things would happen, but even when nothing scary was happening, I got enough information about what the characters were going through that I cared about what was happening to them.

In this movie, I seriously timed 25 minutes of nothing happening before anything actually happened. I know the main characters were supposed to have returned home to find their house ransacked and we're supposed to think some ghostly force did it (though they don't suspect that at first) but that doesn't count as scary for me, because we didn't actually SEE anything ghostly happen, just the aftermath. BORING. And the rest of the video falls flat. The dad comes out to the pool to find the pool cleaner has somehow made it out onto the patio every morning, but that's not very scary, and the geniuses still don't suspect anything at first, because they're dipshits.

Once scary things do start happening, though, I think this movie picks up and holds its own and manages to be creepy as well as having a mean-spirited streak that I enjoyed with a twist at the end. I definitely dug it, though it didn't scare me as much pound for pound as the original movie did. Still a very spooky movie to kick off my Halloween night.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 76: Repo: The Genetic Opera

2011-10-31T07:18:00.002-04:00

Movie musicals are a mixed bag for me. I love music and I love singing along (though my voice has been known to crack windows and scare small children and animals) but when moviemakers try to film characters walking around bursting into song at random intervals, it tends to grate on my nerves. Thus, while I love music, I don't always like musicals. When I heard about this movie, a mixture of graphic novel and musical and bloody gory horror movie and dystopian future fantasy, I gave the whole concept the stink eye and avoided it on principle. I finally watched it the other night, and I'm happy to say I was pleasantly surprised.

First of all, the music is good in this movie. I didn't mind hearing the characters burst into song because the songs didn't make my ears bleed in the first place. Second, I loved the feeling of unreality shrouding this movie. Comic book panels dissolve into a colorful yet dark and gruesome future world fantasy where people can obtain artificial organs that allow them to beat disease and cheat death, but this comes at a high price, and if they can't afford to make payments on their organs, well...yeah, you saw this already in "Repo Men," I know, but it works here, too. It's scary because I can see this happening in the future. I saw a news story recently about a lab developing artificial organs and I felt my skin go pale because that nightmare future world suddenly seemed much closer than I wanted it to seem.

The acting here is excellent as well. Anthony Head is great here as the grieving father who does the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde bit, switching between his two personalities as he tries to take care of his daughter one minute and performs his gruesome job of harvesting organs the next. Alexa Vega (yes, LavaGirl) is sympathetic as the longsuffering daughter who has to stay cooped up in her bedroom because her overprotective father tells her she will die if she goes out into the world. Paul Sorvino is the heartless man who owns the company responsible for making the artificial organs. Most people bitch about Paris Hilton in her performance as his daughter, a shallow twit who is addicted to plastic surgery and drugs, but I think it's the perfect part for her and she works well in it.

The gore in this movie is pretty nasty and the effects are well done. Over-the-top at times, but it works within the framework of the movie. I also loved how characters were introduced as we met them and we got a glimpse of their backstory, seeing how their lives intertwine and learning the truth about past events that help us understand what's happening in their lives now. Very Charles Dickens, that. the movie is splashy, gory, creepy, and cool. I loved it.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 75: Queen of the Damned

2011-10-31T07:12:00.003-04:00

First of all, I don't usually care for Stuart Townsend, but he kicks ass in this movie. He manages to be sexy and creepy and seductive and somehow still sympathetic. I didn't know he had it in him. Kudos. Aliyah isn't a great actress or anything, but she manages to exude that same creepy sexiness, so it was fun watching her character. she also had a very regal air, which worked for the "Queen of Vampires." Much is made of anne Rice and her whiny vampires who complain and piss and moan for all eternity, but in this movie, the dichotomy between enjoying living forever and having supernatural powers and hating yourself for killing people and forever having this unquenchable thirst for blood really shines through. I know that no one else likes this movie, but I do. Sue me. I mean, don't get me wrong, this movie isn't great cinema or anything, but I dug it. the vampires were cool and creepy looking, the soundtrack was great, and I had a lot of fun watching it (even if I did spend a lot of time snarking what I saw onscreen). For my money, this is a fun vampire flick that I really enjoyed watching.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 74: A Nightmare on elm Street (2010)

2011-10-31T06:50:00.005-04:00

Where do I begin here? Ok, first, enjoy a priceless bit of dialogue from this movie:

Daughter: "Did you ever know a guy named freddy?"

Mother: "I don't think so."

Right, never in your life have you ever known anyone by the name of Freddy. Ever.

In a way, that sums up this movie's problems in a nutshell. This kind of nonsensical dialogue pours from the characters' mouths and I just want to jump through the screen and punch them in the face.. The movie LOOKS great, a lot of the nightmares are creepy, and the characters LOOK the part...but then they start talking, and it all falls apart.

You can tell this movie was directed by a guy who usually makes music videos. It LOOKS great, at least visually. When it comes to plot and twists and mystery and depth, however, the movie just falls flat on its face. Contrast this with the original, which had some special effects that look pretty silly now, but it had subversive twists and an air of tragedy and mystery surrounding it that makes it work in spite of those less than stellar visuals, whereas the remake has really cool visuals but virtually no plot. we don't even get to know who these kids in the movie are before they start getting slaughtered. the original gave us a chance to get to know them before anybody died, so we actually had a chance to give a shit about them. In the remake, we barely know who the kids are, so why should we care when they start dying?

Not only that, but when the movie starts trying to have a plot, it gets really stupid and start insulting our intelligence. Kids who knew each other when they were five aren't just going to FORGET that and think they never knew each other because their parents tell them so. They might not remember everything, but I remember things from when I was five years old (and why the hell does the movie tell us that all this stuff happened to these kids when they were in preschool, which is idiotic because five year old kids would be in Kindergarten, not preschool in the first place, and also, all the child actors are quite obviously older than five, so it looks stupid)? Ok, maybe they didn't want to use really young kids in the movie, but then don't make the kids so young in the script. Make them about six in the plot, put them in Kindergarten instead of preschool, and then it won't look so stupid when you start telling us that these eight year olds are actually five years old. Didn't this movie have editors around to catch these kinds of stupid things and fix them before unleashing this movie on the poor unsuspecting public?

I know I'm a great big Wes Craven fangirl, but in my opinion, the original "A Nightmare on Elm Street" does everything right. It introduces us to characters, lets us get to know them a bit, introduces the terrifying idea that someone is killing them in their sleep and this causes them to die in real life (can you imagine if nightmares really COULD kill you? I'd be dead a thousand times over) keeps us in the dark about why everything is happening, then reveals the backstory which explains why this nightmare man is stalking, terrorizing, and killing these kids. The remake throws deaths at us right from the beginning, doesn't tell us who these kids are, keeps the killings coming without giving us much reason to care, then tries to manufacture a backstory that doesn't make much sense because it keeps changing its mind about what it wants to say. In the original movie, there was this back and forth that tore at the viewer...it was wrong for the parents to burn a man to death, but the things he did were terrible. In the remake, the parents are portrayed as a bunch of hotheaded dipshits who don't think things through before they act, and thus it's almost impossible for us to identify with what they did. Are they trying to make Freddy into a tragic hero here with this movie? Then the story changes its mind, and then it changes its mind again, and I want to stab it in the face. "The movie is really about THIS. Just kidding! THIS is what we're really trying to say. PSYCHE! THIS is really what happened...you believe us now, don't you?" By that point, more discerning viewers have probably stopped caring.

In the original, Freddy was a sadistic man in life who became even more sadistic after his death. I don't even know what the movie was going for with his character, and it seemed like they were trying to make the ending a surprise, but unless people have been living on the moon under a rock their whole lives, most people already know the "twist" is coming before they start watching the movie. I'm sure the plot had a point, but whatever it is, it doesn't have half the emotional impact that the original managed to have, and I know it had the budget to hire good writers, but instead they spent their entire budget on fake blood and didn't think anyone would notice or care. It's just irritating. You make a remake in order to improve on the original movie, not just to cash in on the name recognition of the original movie with a half-assed attempt at telling a story. the original had an impact with audiences because it toyed with some deep philosophical ideas and questions, and it had a nightmarish dreamlike atmosphere that haunted audiences with the scary thought of what would happen if their dreams really could hurt them. The remake has a bunch of attractive actors and gallons of fake blood. It's insulting to me that people would think horror fans aren't smart enough to realize when a movie is devoid of depth or plot development or character. Those are the things that make a movie endure throughout the years. I usually tend to like remakes better than a lot of horror fans, but this one was just boring. I wanted to fall asleep and get killed by Freddy so I wouldn't have to finish watching it.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 73: The Skeptic

2011-10-27T08:38:00.003-04:00

So I saw the poster for this movie, saw that it had Tom Arnold in it, and went "Nope, pass." I wasn't going to subject myself to this. Especially since IFC films releases as many terrible movies as they do good ones, it seems. But I saw the trailer for this movie, and the trailer looked really awesome, and that put a fire under my ass and then I really wanted to see this movie. so it was with much anticipation that I popped the DVD in this morning. So how did the movie fare?

Well, from the start, Tom Arnold doesn't have a very big role in this movie (he's another lawyer who works with the main character at the same law firm) and I think his name is only out there in the promotional material because it's a name the filmmakers think people will recognize. Unfortunately for them, the name recognition works AGAINST them, and people who recognize who Tom Arnold is probably won't want to see this movie because of him, and that's a shame, because he's not bad in his little role and he certainly doesn't detract from the movie any. The plot here surrounds a man (played by Tim Daly) who prides himself as the world's best skeptic. His life is ordered, orderly, a place for everything and everything in its place. He thinks it works for him. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for his wife, who asks for a separation hoping it will shake him out of his emotionless rut and is irritated when he takes the suggestion as a chance to move out and go live in his recently deceased aunt's house until the estate is settled.

His aunt was his last living relative, so he thinks he should get the house, but his aunt left it instead to an institute for the study of paranormal phenomena, which as you can imagine sets Mr. Skeptic off leik whoah. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, he's experiencing strange phenomena in the house which he's sure aren't ghosts (because ghosts don't exist, of course) so it's not until things start to spiral out of control that he begins to think maybe things aren't as they seem and maybe what he thinks he knows about his life might not be accurate, and maybe something is going on beyond the realms of natural understanding.

It's a hell of a trailer and a hell of a premise, and even though I don't like the main character, I still kind of wanted him to figure out what was going on and stop the evil. I loved everything right up until the ending, which seemed really rushed and really confusing to me, and I'm still not sure I "get it" 100%, so I'm going to have to let it sit for awhile, maybe buy the movie and watch it again, maybe read some other reviews to see what people thought, but it's not a "bad ending" by any means, at least I'm not ready to categorize it that way yet, so I'm just going to say the ending was kind of a let down, but the movie is definitely worth checking out. It's not perfect, but I really enjoyed it. Some spooky good fun.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 72: Masters of Horror: The Damned Thing

2011-10-27T08:30:00.002-04:00

This is another movie that I totally looked at the cover and thought "ew, that's going to suck" and then I never ever watched it until I started going through all the Masters of Horror for this year's horror movie challenge, and then I watched it because I kind of had to, and I was very pleasantly surprised at how good it was. The premise is that a young boy watches his father kill his mother after muttering something about how "the damned thing found him," and the boy grows up to be a very paranoid, cautious kind of man. He's the sheriff in the small town where he grew up (um, why would you want to live in that town? And in the exact house where it happened? Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are we, sheriff?) The sheriff is having problems with his wife, and they're separated, but still friendly and he still sees his son all the time. his wife just can't take his paranoid, mopey mood anymore, and I kind of don't blame her. he's not an unlikable guy, though, so when events in the town start to mirror exactly what happened that led up to his father murdering his mother years ago (apparently, people got angry and violent in town a LOT back then) I was rooting for him to figure out what was going on and to stop it. The story is simple (and then it gets complicated and I'm still not exactly sure about a few details, but not enough to detract from my enjoyment of the movie) and the acting was good, and I cared about the characters, so I definitely recommend this movie. It's one I plan to add to my collection as well. Let's see if I can't figure out exactly what happened upon repeated viewings, shall we? Check this one out. You might like it as much as I did.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 71: Masters of Horror: Family

2011-10-27T08:11:00.002-04:00

This is another one of those episodes that I thought was going to suck. I saw the cover art and thought "Oh God, I would rather watch paint dry," and thus I avoided it like the plague until this horror movie challenge, and I decided that since I've avoided much of the "Masters of Horror" movies for this long, I had better at least give this one a chance. Again, this movie wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Actually, this one is pretty good and it works much better than I thought it ever could. George Wendt, for those of us old enough to remember the show "Cheers," is in this movie, and it's creepy to see him playing such a freaky weirdo. Right from the beginning, his happy, smiling face is contrasted with the horrible, sick things he's doing, and that juxtaposition is enough to make these scenes chilling. I wanted to smack the camera guy who made a slow pan of every square inch of this guy's house in the opening sequence (overkill, dipshit, we get it, he's alone and has a quiet, clean house) but when the camera finally pans to the basement, the money shot is worth the wait as we see what our kindly neighbor is doing in that basement. Eep.

The new couple moving in next door have their own problems (though we know their problems are about to get a lot worse, and they don't seem to realize this). The husband a wife have recently suffered a tragic loss (there seems to be a theme running through this season of Masters of Horror; tragic family losses and the people who are left to pick up the pieces afterward) and they spend so much time wrapped up in those troubles that they don't realize there's something weird going on with their neighbor until the shit has hit the fan. I feel bad (well, I feel bad for the wife, but if I'm honest with you, I didn't like the husband and kind of wanted to push him off a cliff so I had trouble working up too much give-a-shit where his fate was concerned) but the movie delivers the chills (and they're some nasty chills, at that) so it's well worth a watch. Much better than you probably think it will be.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 70: Calvaire: The Ordeal

2011-10-27T07:56:00.002-04:00

This is one of those movies that everyone recommended to me forever but that I put off forever because I kept forgetting about it or wanting to watch something else more, so I just now got around to watching it. I think at some point someone warned me how brutal this movie was going to be, but I must have forgotten or pushed it to the back of my mind, because I wasn't expecting it to disturb me as much as it did and it was a hard movie to finish.

When I say "brutal" here, I'm not necessarily talking about gore, because there didn't appear to be as much gore here as in other movies I've seen, but I'm talking about the torture the movie's protagonist endures. It's really tough to watch at times. the movie is about a musician traveling in the rain one night whose van breaks down in the middle of the road and he accepts help from an odd man he sees walking around in the rain looking for his "dog." As you can probably guess, this guy is about 12 cans short of a 6 pack, and as soon as our hero follows the weirdo out into the night, he's basically screwed. Things don't just go from bad to worse, though, and that's what makes the movie hard to watch for me. Things go from bad, to a little badder, to a little badder, to a little badder, as the strangeness increases in such small increments that the good guy doesn't realize he's in trouble until it's too late. I could see the spider building its web and I kept yelling at the good guy to escape (why don't they ever listen to me?) but he just sticks around, ignoring his rapidly growing sense of dread, until it's too late.

Like I said, there isn't much gore on display here, but the torture is disturbing enough that it had me flinching and turning away for long periods of time, which was bad enough for me. I won't spoil anything for you, but for the people who are expecting sawed off body parts, you'll be disappointed. this isn't that kind of movie. This is the kind of movie for those who might almost rather have their body parts sawed off than deal with some of what this guy has to deal with in this movie. It's not one I can recommend, as in "hey. get all your friends to sit down and watch this movie!" They might have you committed. But for fans of the kind of films that make our skin crawl and make us very uncomfortable, those of us who should know better but watch this kind of movie anyway, this is worth a look. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 69: Let Me In

2011-10-27T07:17:00.002-04:00

And now for something completely different. This movie is a remake of the much-loved (in horror circles anyway) film "Let the Right One In," which is a total revolution of the classic vampire story. Based on the book of the same name, by author John Ajvide Lindqvist, the movie burst onto the scene a few years ago and knocked everyone on their asses for changing a lot of the ways people looked at vampires. It was about a middle school kid who falls for this new girl who lives in his apartment complex, Eli, who keeps telling him she isn't a girl, and he soon discovers this is true in many subversive and shocking ways. Those who hate the movie (they exist, I assure you) bash it for being too slow and having all buildup with no action, but people like me, we were riveted by the story of the corruption of innocence, the complexity of young love, the creepiness mystery of vampirism, and we pretty much loved every minute. the book is more detailed than the movie, but in some ways I think the lack of details in the movie helps the story along. too much exposition kind of bogs things down, and having everything remain a kind of mystery helps keep me intrigued.

So as with all remakes of much-loved foreign films, lots of people wanted to hate this remake. They saw it as dumbing the story down for US audiences, and I would have agreed with them, but Chloe Grace Moretz was cast in the part of the vampire (here renamed Abby) and I knew how great she was in the movie "Kick-Ass," so I was willing to give her a chance, and the movie along with her. This is one of those rare, rare cases where both the book and the adaptation and then the remake of the adaptation are pretty much equally good, at least for me. They each have flaws, but I think they each have things they do better on their own, so I wound up liking them all equally.

First, I don't think this movie is dumbed-down. I think some aspects of the plot were made more explicit to help further the story, but it's not talky and over-explainy and it doesn't sugarcoat anything or tack on a generic "they all lived happily ever after" ending. I think this movie stayed true to the mysteriousness of Abby's condition, kept Abby's past a secret (but not in an annoying "we're editing 100 pages of text into 20 minutes" kind of way that made it seem choppy) and they kept some subversive things I thought they might change just so people didn't run from the theater screaming. Moretz is superb here (I knew she could do it) and her friend-turned-boyfriend Owen is played by Kodi Smit-McPhee (what, was there a rule that all young cast members must have three names?) does a great job making us like him and root for him even though his life is rather dark and hopeless even before Abby enters the picture.

The scenes of bullying at Owen's school are more graphic in "Let Me In" than in the original movie, and that made it hard to watch. Additionally, the climax, which takes place at Owen's school at night, is weaker in this remake than it is in the original, but it still works, and the very end, the denoument, is well done in both movies. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this remake and plan to buy it because I think it does most everything right. I suggest that fans of the original movie or of the book at least give this movie a chance. They might be pleasantly surprised.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 68: Masters of Horror: The V Word

2011-10-27T07:09:00.003-04:00

I see the title "The V word" and I immediately think "vagina" (don't pretend you didn't think that, too) but alas, there is no vagina to be found in this movie. there is, however, a VAMPIRE, and it's kind of a cool vampire at that. Two bored teenagers decide to break into a funeral home in this movie (hey, why not, it's that kind of party) and they find that one of the corpses in the funeral home is not exactly dead, but is rather UNdead, and then their worlds are turned upside down (because vampires don't exist, right? I mean, they're not supposed to) and they have to figure out what to do from there (let's start by going back in time and never having the stupid idea to break into the funeral home in the first place, you geniuses). This movie doesn't suck (HAHAHAHA I AM SO FUNNY) but it doesn't have much bite ether (I AM A COMEDIC GENIUS OMG LOL) and there's not much plot to sink your teeth into (LMAO THIS IS COMEDY GOLD RIGHT HERE) so I did enjoy this movie and will probably check it out next year as well, but it wasn't ground breaking or anything and I didn't love it as much as say, "We all Scream for Ice Cream" (OMG stop talking about that, Lillian) so it's recommended, but not like, glowingly so, or anything, you dig? It was good, but I wanted it to be better? I love you, but I'm not in love with you? It's not me, it's you? I hope we can still be friends (don't call me, I'll call you).

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 67: Masters of Horror: Pelts

2011-10-27T07:03:00.002-04:00

This is another one of these movies that I didn't want to watch. Really. I mean, I love Dario Argento, and when he's good, he's GREAT, but when he's bad...well, let's say he helps give new meaning to the word "bad," which I guess is a compliment in and of itself, but I had reservations about this movie coming in, and I was mostly proven right. Now honestly, the movie wasn't as bad as I probably thought it was going to be> I don't know if Meat Loaf Aday was cast here as a joke, but I happen to think he's not a bad actor, and he definitely holds his own in this movie, and the movie is subversive, with a lot of mean, nasty people having mean, nasty things done to them, so it's not all out terrible or anything. It's just kind of...flat. It had the feel of one of the old E.C. horror comics Tales from the Crypt stories, where bad things happen to bad people and it's gory and nasty, and I appreciated the effort there, but whereas a movie like "We all Scream for Ice Cream" worked in spite of having everything against it, this movie kind of just hangs there in spite of having a bunch of plusses in its favor, and while it really wasn't BAD, I was annoyed that it wasn't BETTER.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 66: Masters of Horror: The Washingtonians

2011-10-27T06:52:00.003-04:00

I really don't even want to get into this movie. so much so that I had to throw this review together at the last minute, because I had forgotten about this movie. I suppose that was my mind trying to protect itself from having to write this review. If I'm being honest, I'll admit that the movie wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, as I was certain that it would be the worst movie I'd ever seen, but it wasn't THAT bad, really. I just...ok, this movie is about the hidden secret historical fact that George Washington was a cannibal who loved to eat the flesh of virgins (no, I am NOT making that up, but are you starting to see the problem here?) and there's a secret society of historians who know this fact and want to keep it hidden from public knowledge, and they're known as the "Washingtonians," and they are all cannibals too...yeah, I know, you're thinking whoever made this was probably on drugs, and I'm thinking that being on drugs is probably the best state of mind in which to watch this movie, and I wasn't on drugs when I saw it, so I just kind of stared blankly at it for awhile, and then had the strong urge to go watch paint dry. The movie doesn't know if it wants to be a comedy or a horror movie or a gross-out splattery mix of the two, and so it kind of just hangs out in the middle wasting everyone's time. The premise is so stupid that for it to be at ALL redeemable is an achievement I guess, but it's just kind of dumb, and though it's gory and icky and trying to shock people, it just makes me want to watch something else. Something better.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 65: Masters of Horror: Valerie on the Stairs

2011-10-27T06:42:00.002-04:00

This is one of those movies I'll probably have to give another chance later, because I was really impatient with it when I first watched it, so I probably didn't give it the fair chance I should have, and it kind of pissed me off, to be honest. Here's the thing. It's about a young man who is a struggling writer, and he moves into a halfway house for other struggling writers, with the stipulation that if he ever becomes a published author he has to move out and find somewhere else to live. so he moves in and starts working on his novel, but he starts having visions of a beautiful, naked woman on the stairs outside his room, and as he talks to her more, he finds out she is in danger. all the other residents of the house deny that they've ever seen anything ghostly and they call him crazy, but as time goes on it seems they all might know more about her than they're letting on. The premise is intriguing, and I can't really point to one thing that doesn't work in this movie. I can see a lot of Clive Barker in it, with its sly commentary about writers (we're all crazy, you know) and aside from Tony todd being kind of silly in this movie (I love him, I really do, but I kept wanting to crack up because his character is supposed to be scary but when he's just sitting around trying to look menacing he looks like one of the gargoyles from Disney's animated "Hunchback of Notre Dame" movie and it ruins the effect) but the movie just came off as...kind of silly when it was supposed to be scary. I'll likely give it another chance, but it really rubbed me the wrong way and made me roll my eyes into the next century, so I'd caution people not to expect too much lest they be disappointed.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 64: Masters of Horror:

2011-10-27T06:22:00.002-04:00

This is a movie that SHOULDN'T work, for all practical rights and purposes. I'm going to describe the plot to you, and then you're going to think "Damn, that sounds stupid" and I agree with you, because that's what I thought, too. In the opening scenes of this movie, a father is pleading with a little boy not to eat some ice cream, and the little boy eats the ice cream anyway, and the father shrieks in terror and suddenly MELTS into a puddle of ice-cream and dead guy goo. I know, ridiculous, right? Except somehow...within the universe of this movie...it works. It turns out a sadistic ghostly ice cream man dressed as a clown is delivering ice cream to kids in a small town, and the ice cream is irresistible to them, but once they eat it, their parents will melt into ice creamy goo. I understand how stupid that sounds, but somehow it just works. The clown helps, I'm sure, because those things are creepy anyway, and particularly this one, long dead and deranged and vengeful. Plus the whole idea id disgusting and creepy. Kids killing their parents? Parents melting into goo? Icky nasty demon ice cream? It's everything that would have been the best movie ever made if I saw it when I were ten years old, but it was still pretty damn good even at thirty. I suggest that you give it a chance (but you might not want to eat ice cream for awhile after seeing it).

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 63:Master's of Horror: Sounds Like

2011-10-27T06:13:00.002-04:00

This is a pretty sad movie. There's a lot going on here. A man has a strange auditory gift (he has a very heightened sense of hearing) but it's more of a curse, because he can hear often muffled or faint noises as though they are very loud, and it makes his life difficult, to say the least. He's also coping with grief from a recent loss, a wife who is pushing him to move on, a boss who is pushing him to increase productivity at his job under threat of getting fired, and all these stressors combine to slowly chip away at the poor guy's sanity. The guy's auditory enhancements start to grate on me after awhile of watching this movie, and suddenly the enhanced, LOUD noises he has to endure start to get to me, so I can't imagine how he lives with these noises without totally losing it...and then his predicament become oven sadder for me to watch. This movie is very effective and does what it does a little too well, but I admire it for that. It got under my skin and disturbed me like horror is supposed to do.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 62: Master's of Horror: The Screwfly Solution

2011-10-27T06:04:00.002-04:00

This movie really pissed me off. At first, it's intriguing and disturbing and pretty damn cool. The movie details that bad things are starting to happen in the world. suddenly and inexplicably, men are starting to snap and violently beat then kill women. while this event is nothing new in the world, it's starting to happen at an alarming rate, with men unable to differentiate between sexual desire and the desire to kill. Bad things ensue and women start dying off in record numbers and needing to go into hiding to protect themselves from men, and as everything starts going down, it's pretty hard to watch. So like I said, everything is disturbing and creepy and effective...and then suddenly it's like the filmmakers said "Wait, we were supposed to make a BAD movie! Shit, quick, do something really really stupid!" and then they made the ending, and it was really stupid, and it made me want to punch the filmmakers in the face, and that annoys me because up to that point, they had a pretty cool movies on their hands, and I hate when that happens.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 61: The Black Cat

2011-10-27T05:58:00.002-04:00

This is a movie that combines Poe's titular story "The Black Cat," about a man being tormented by a feline that seems to refuse to die (but he's a jerk, so we don't necessarily root for him in his battle with the cat) and it combines that story with elements from Poe's own life (his difficulty in writing during his later years, his drinking problem, and the illness of his wife). The movie combines these elements and weaves them together into something pretty cool (but then I'm a huge Poe geek, so I've read everything he's written, even his essays, and will watch/read anything even tangentially related to him, so I'm pretty much the ideal target audience for this kind of thing). It's a little disorienting, but Jeffrey Combs does a great job here as Poe, and his performance ties everything together into one creepy and weird little movie, so I liked it a lot.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 60: Masters of Horror: Dream Cruise

2011-10-27T05:51:00.002-04:00

This is one of those movies that I was skeptical about, but also intrigued, because as a rule, Asian horror movies tend to creep me out a lot. US ghosts jump out from behind doors and yell "Boo!" but Asian ghosts, they crawl out from under your covers when you're in bed, they turn your TV on and crawl out of wells and then step out of the TV screen and come after you, they step out of security camera footage and come after you...basically, they kick ass and take names and then drag you to hell. That's really creepy. This movie manages to combine two of my biggest fears, ghosts and drowning, and combine them into one hugely creepy mix to haunt my dreams for awhile after watching it. I dug it. It's also a love story, though the two people who fall in love are causing all kinds of trouble, because she is married and he is her husband's lawyer, so bad things are going to happen when all three of these people decide to go on a cruise together. Ghostly things and drama and near-drowning ensues and gives Lillian nightmares. All in a day's work.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 59: Masters of Horror: Pro Life

2011-10-27T05:45:00.002-04:00

This would be my OTHER favorite episode of "Masters of Horror." The idea behind that show was to gather directors who were responsible for great horror movies of the past, and give them free reign to create an hour-long horror movie on any subject they desire. Truth be told, I have seen very few of these movies in the past (I'm trying to rectify that now by watching the entire series this year if I can) but this is one of the movies that I bought without seeing it first, both because I love the director, John Carpenter, and because the subject matter was abortion, which intrigued me because of its potential to be horrific. This movie certainly IS horrific, and I forget that every time I watch this movie, and then I watch it again and get all upset all over again, but though this movie is sick and nasty and gory and disturbing and angry-making, I still appreciate how it manages to get under my skin every time.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 58: Right to Die

2011-10-27T05:38:00.002-04:00

This is probably my favorite of the limited Master's of Horror episodes I've seen, and truthfully, knowing it was about the "right to die" movement, I bought it without checking it out first when it hit DVD, because I was pretty sure I'd like it. I'm glad Rob Schmidt didn't disappoint me here. The movie is gory, nasty, and subversive, and I love it for that. It's about a man who gets into a car accident that leaves him without a scratch but puts his wife into a coma with terrible burns covering almost all of her body. He insists that she wouldn't want to live as a vegetable, her mother insists that he just wants to kill her, and the fight begins. the man isn't telling us everything, and we find out lots of things along the way, like how his wife is PISSED at him and she is lying in her coma plotting how she will soon take her revenge against him from beyond the grave. I've seen this movie several times, and I like it more every time. Highly recommended.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 57: Harvest of Fear

2011-10-25T04:13:00.003-04:00

This is the kind of movie that it's a little sad for me to watch. I really enjoy low-budget horror most of the time, and the people who made this movie clearly *think* they're making a good, scary movie. There's opening and closing narration that tries to tie the story together, there are pretty shots of the autumn leaves in the small town, the setup really seems to be that of a good scary movie...and it just doesn't pan out. The acting is a mixed bag. Some of it is good, some of it is terrible, some of it is just passable. The gore is kind of hokey, the story tries to be scary but it's mostly silly, and it just doesn't work. I wanted to like this movie, but I just couldn't, and that makes me sad as a fan of schlocky horror. I hope the filmmakers get a chance to try their hand at making a movie that works someday, but I can't recommend this one.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 56: The Chambermaid

2011-10-25T04:03:00.002-04:00

This is a seriously messed up movie. It's not really a horror movie, contrary to how it's marketed as a slasher movie, and it's not really anything else, either, it just kind of a sleazy little exercise in awkwardness that is just plain weird and disorienting to watch. There's a young woman working two dead-end jobs to support her slacker druggie musician of a boyfriend, and when he gets into trouble with some nasty drug dealers, she tries her hand at prostitution, moonlighting in her job as a hotel cleaning woman by accepting money from one of the guests who offers to pay her for sexual favors. She complies, which gets her in trouble with her boss, and when he threatens to fire her, she pretends to be in love with him, and then she moves in with him, but when he finds out she was just pretending, he starts keeping her tied up in the basement...it's just a confusing, weird, sleazy mess of a movie. I kind of enjoyed watching the weirdness unfold onscreen (and I think I'm in love with scream queen Fiona Horsey, and Paul Conway, who was also in "Angst," is good in both movies, though he's creepy and sleazy to the max here). I had some fun with this movie, but I don't think many other people would, so maybe you should all steer clear of it, just in case.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 55: Angst

2011-10-25T03:51:00.002-04:00

This is one of those movies that's very hard to recommend. Seriously. I really enjoyed it, but I can hear everyone screaming at me now about how terrible it is: the special effects are virtually nonexistent because of the low budget, the plot is extremely strange, and weird random shit keeps happening in the movie for no reason other than to make it strange (throw in some siamese twins who go on a date with a main character, who falls in love with one twin but not the other? Why not!) It's certainly not a good movie, but scream queen Fiona Horsey, who plays the main character, is a good actress (she really turns into whatever character she's playing, so even if the plot is unbelievable, you believe what she's saying, and I appreciated that) and the plot, about a young girl who is constantly abused and mistreated by men until she discovers that she has a horrific way to fight back, is fun to watch. Well, at least for me. I have a feeling most people are too sane to have the kind of demented fun I had watching this movie, but I enjoyed it.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 54: A Brush with Death

2011-10-25T03:43:00.002-04:00

This is a movie about two brothers and their controlling, abusive father. The movie flashes back between the past (the year 1955, when the family living in a farmhouse was massacred) and the present, where a group of spoiled rich college girls are taking a weekend trip to stay in the summer house owned by the uncle of one of the girls, and this summer house just happens to be conveniently located next door to the farmhouse where the massacre occurred many years before. Gee, I wonder if something bad will happen to the girls this weekend? This movie is kind of a mess, with flashbacks that come out of nowhere and muddle the plot, and sometimes it's almost impossible to tell when something is a flashback and when it's supposed to be the present-day, but I kind of like it in spite of its flaws. The gore is pretty well-done, the acting is better than I expected it to be (it's bad, but I've seen worse) and even though the plot is kind of a convoluted mess, it still wasn't bad to sit back and watch a bunch of college girls get picked off one by one by a nasty killer on a sadistic mission. All in all, it could have been a lot worse and I wound up enjoying the time I spent watching this movie.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 53: Hallowed

2011-10-25T03:32:00.002-04:00

This is one of those rare little horror flick where everything that SHOULDN'T work inexplicably does, and it turns what should be an excruciating viewing experience into an enjoyable one. The opening sequence shows a little boy who looks up to his Priest (like a lot of young children in the church, he associates his Priest as God) and instead of going for the cheap shot and making the Priest a molester, the movie makes him a genuinely kind, caring guy, which is a surprising twist from what I expected. The little boy has a frightening home life, with a violent father who beats his mother and one night murders her, which causes the boy to have a breakdown and be committed to an asylum. 20 years later, the boy is out, walking around his old neighborhood handing out bibles and preaching some message about how God wants him to cleanse the world from sin (uh oh, this doesn't bode well for the residents of the town in question). The actor playing this guy can't act, and he says his lines in a wooden, robotic way that I usually HATE, but for some reason, in THIS particular movie, it works and makes him seem even more creepy. Usually I hate that wooden line-reading crap and it's the fastest way for a movie to piss me off, but like I said, what usually makes a movie bad, somehow in THIS movie works to make it better than it would otherwise be. The gore is pretty well done in this movie, and there are a few deaths that come as a surprise because typically these characters would be expected to live in a movie like this. I don't know if the movie turns these expectations on their heads because it's a good movie that knows what it's doing, or because it's totally inept, but either way, it somehow works and makes the movie a satisfying viewing experience where I expected it to be terrible.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 52: Demonic (2006)

2011-10-25T03:24:00.002-04:00

This is another little-seen movie, but there is a lot to recommend it (in one particular campy bonus, we get to see Tom Savini as a creepy weirdo who lives in the woods and kidnaps stranded travelers from the side of the road, dragging them back to his shack in the woods and holding them captive for some unknown purpose). The movie opens with two people making out in their car in the woods who are suddenly attacked by a flock of beautiful, nubile, naked, female demons who like to make out with the women and then feast on the men (what a way to go!) The special effects aren't bad for this being a low-budget horror flick, the acting is passable (I've seen far worse) and the atmosphere is pretty as the movie steadily builds to a conclusion that, while I saw it coming ahead of time, was a fitting ending to a nasty little movie, and I really appreciated it. It's not the best movie ever made or anything, but it's a fun, gory way to spend an hour and a half, so I dug it.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 51: Uninvited (1993)

2011-10-24T14:55:00.002-04:00

This is one of those movies where i watch it and then get angry that I've never heard of it before. Stuff like "Avia: Vampire Hunter" gets a DVD release and this doesn't? What is going on here? This is a low-budget affair, but the actors are all kicking ass and taking names despite the low budget, the few special effects there are work well and add to the creepiness of the story, and it has a cool plot that is well-executed. In short, there are TONS of movies way more terrible than this that have gotten a good DVD release, and this is shoved into the middle of one of those 10-and-12-movie packs with a bunch of other movies no one will ever see, and thus no one will ever see this, either, and it deserves a lot better.

This is a mixed-genre movie; a combination western/horror movie, where a group of poor settlers in the old west travel to the site of a gold mine hoping to find gold and use it to buy themselves a better life. There's a preacher who wants to use the gold to build a church, there's a husband and wife who want to start fresh in some other place away from the problems that plagued their marriage, there's a man who lost everything in his life including his faith and thus became cold and angry and mean and violent, there's a woman forced into prostitution to survive on her own who wants to buy herself a new life. All these people are already haunted before they even get to the site of the mine, which is littered with dead bodies and supposedly protected by a curse because it's the site of a burial ground. The people have traveled too far to go back now, so they disregard the dead bodies and foreboding feeling of doom and the nightly nightmares of violent murder and they start to dig. As time goes on, they find more trouble than gold, and they start to come apart at the seams. It's a creepy story that's handled well, and for the life of me I can't understand why more people haven't seen it, but I'm glad that I got the chance to see it and I'll definitely be checking it out again (and you should, too). Here are two of my favorite quotes from the movie to tide you over until you see it for yourself:

"Every time I see a man like you alive and well, I marvel at the patience of God."

"Piss on you and your God!"

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 50: The Haunting of Rebecca Verlaine

2011-10-24T13:43:00.002-04:00

This movie came in one of those 12-movie packs that usually only contain one movie that's actually watchable, and I bought it because I wanted to watch one of the other movies in it, so the "watchable" spot had already been taken by another movie and thus I had low expectations for this movie. Understand that coming in, and you might see why I plan to give this movie such a glowing review. It might be a bad movie, but I came into it with such low expectations that it had nowhere to go but up from there, so I was pleased with how much I enjoyed it. There's a lot of hate for this movie floating around on the internet, but for my money (all $5 of it) this movie isn't half bad and is definitely worth checking out.

I was excited to see this movie when I discovered that it had been made by Olaf Ittenbach, because while his movies are often bad, they are also gory and entertaining to watch, so his involvement was a plus for me where it might have been a big minus for others. Another bonus is that the actress who plays Rebecca Verlaine in this movie can actually act, so it's not painful to watch her for an hour and a half. As with all Ittenbach movies, the gore is excessive but very well done considering the film's low budget, and while the plot is a little ridiculous (especially at the end where the main bad guy stands around and gives a speech detailing how and why he did all these evil things, and it was just like watching an episode of Scooby Doo, and I expected him to say "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" at any moment) but the opening credit sequence, where a bunch of people are massacred by killers dressed as clowns, is extremely creepy and well done. And really, the plot isn't THAT bad (I've seen MUCH worse) and it's extra fun if you can sit around with your friends and make fun of it while it's all happening. Suffice it to say that this isn't a film masterpiece, but it isn't a masterpiece of shit, either, so I definitely recommend it if you're a fan of low-budget horror movies with a lot of gore.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 49: Amityville II: The Possession

2011-10-24T13:25:00.003-04:00

Why are there two movie posters for this movie, you may ask. Is Lillian getting senile in her old age? Yes, but there's a method to my madness here. A few years ago, I saw the first 90 minutes of this movie, and I loved them. I was haunted by their imagery, creeped out and uncomfortable by the skin-crawling events of the film, and ready to declare this movie a horror classic. The movie I was watching skipped and froze after the first 90 minutes, so I never got to see the rest, so I was excited to watch this movie for the challenge this year and figure out what I missed. Oh boy was I ever in for a surprise.

See, the first 90 minutes of this film ARE pretty brilliant, and creepy, and well-made, and all those other things I thought. Then, after 90 minutes, this movie ENDS...and is still inexplicably on for another 45 minutes after that. Another boring, tedious, stupid, ridiculous 45 minutes full of so many plot holes and leaps of logic and cheap looking "special" effects that I was literally yelling at my screen by the time the damn thing FINALLY ended. So the GOOD poster above? The creepy, haunting poster that tells the story of the family who lived in this house until they were attacked by an evil that corrupted them all and sucked them right into hell? That poster is for the first hour and a half of this movie; the good part. the second poster, which is hokey looking and full of special effects that look like they were made by a preschool class? That poster represents the second part of this movie, the part that sucks and ruins what could have been a great horror movie.

I'm not exaggerating here, folks. I wondered why so many people seemed to hate on this movie, and I watched the first 90 minutes, and I was blown away. The family is haunted before they even move into the house, with an abusive, overbearing father and a harried mother trying to hold everything together and a teenage daughter who is confused by her feelings for her older brother, and an older brother who is chafing under the stranglehold of his father, and a little brother and sister who are caught in the middle. The evil in the house exploits and amplifies the problems this family already has until everyone is in a state of terror, waiting to see what will happen when the other shoe drops. It's grueling to watch this poor family (well, except for the dad, I was ready to jump through the screen and kill him myself) and the family drama is done so well and woven so well with the supernatural happenings that I thought the movie was going to be great.

Then the final act comes and the movie turns into a huge pile of shit. The ending doesn't even make SENSE (I'm fairly certain that if you knock a police officer out with a gun and help a mental patient who is accused of murder escape from the facility where he is being held, that the cops are going to be pissed at you and they're going to come into the house and arrest you and not just take your friend's word when he walks out and says you're not inside). And that's just ONE of the 3923892389289903289329438939183 plot holes that are crammed into the worst 45 minutes of horror film footage ever made. UGH. It so effectively ruins what could have been a good movie that I seriously want to track down the filmmakers and beat them with a brick. I don't care if they made this movie over 30 years ago, they have it coming. Watch this movie and stop playing it after 90 minutes, and you'll enjoy it and think it's one of the best horror movies you've ever seen. Watch any more than that, and your brain will jump out one of your eye sockets and run away screaming. you have been warned.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 48: Darkness

2011-10-24T13:05:00.004-04:00

I saw this movie twice in theaters when it came out, once dragging my friend Elijah to the bigger city an hour away from here so he could see it, too. I loved this movie and was excited about seeing it, and then I realized that every other horror fan seemed to HATE this movie and went around bashing it every chance they got. I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now. People told me that I liked this movie once because I didn't know much about horror movies back then, but if I watched it now, I would realize why it was a bad movie and I wouldn't like it anymore. I can unequivocally say this is FALSE, because I watched it last week and loved it just as much then as I did when I saw it years ago. I love this movie, think it's great, and don't really get why other people seem to hate it so much.

Directed by Jaume Balagueró, who has become quite well-known in recent years for his brilliant [REC] films, this movie shows his talent for taking small spaces and common events and turning them on their heads until they become disorienting and frightening. The opening sequence grabs the viewer right from the beginning, as a group of children are kidnapped and brutally murdered, with only one child left alive because he somehow escaped and ran off through the woods, though he has no real memory of what happened to him or the other children. Cut to the present day, where we meet a family slowly coming apart at the seams. Anna Paquin is brilliant here as a teenage girl whose family has uprooted her and moved to Spain, taking her away from all her friends and dumping her in the middle of a country and a culture she doesn't like or understand. Her mother (played by Lena Olin) is cold and distant, basically telling her daughter to get over herself. Her father is suffering from a mysterious illness that causes him to break down under stress and lash out angrily at his family, and her little brother is sullen and quiet, scared of what is happening to his quickly unraveling family and equally terrified of whatever mysterious evil seems to be haunting their new house. Add to that a creepy old house filled with shadows and secrets, and you have the ingredients for a perfectly chilling haunted house story, and that's exactly what this movie delivers. Apparently it's not for everyone, but I love it, and the memory of it still occasionally haunts me on dark nights when the shadows in my room seem especially menacing.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 47: Pontypool

2011-10-24T12:56:00.003-04:00

This is one of those movies that horror fans raved about so much after it came out, and everyone was telling me "OMG you HAVE to watch Pontypool!!!!!" and I was thinking "WTF does "Pontypool" mean?" I waited almost two years to finally get around to watching this, and I plugged my ears and ran away screaming anytime someone tried to spoil the movie for me, so I really had no idea what to expect. Having said all that, this movie blew me away. It isn't perfect, it has a few glaring flaws, but it's so entertaining and so different and so creative that it absolutely kicked ass and I loved it in spite of whatever flaws it may have had.

For the record, "Pontypool" is the name of a small town in Canada, and the small-town radio host (who used to be a big-time star and now resents working in a tiny town where he has to recite school closings and interview members of the community theater on air) is the star of this movie, along with his boss at the radio station, and a girl who answers phones and does fact-checking for the station. This three-person crew make up the bulk of the action in the movie, as things start to go very wrong in their isolated small town, on the same day a huge blizzard blows in, making their small town even more isolated from the rest of the world. These three actors rock HARD and manage to make the movie enthralling and never boring (which is a huge feat for a movie that takes place almost entirely within one small room). As the day drags on and they get more and more news reports of the strange and terrifying happenings in their town, they start to come unglued (which most people would do in such a situation, so it is totally believable, and we've come to like these characters, so it's hard to watch them fall apart like this). They have no ides what's going on at first, and watching them decipher the clues and figure out how to survive is riveting. This is a movie that takes a relatively old idea and breathes new life into it, making the old seem new again. I won't spoil it for you, so there's no need to plug your ears and run away screaming, but you should run to the video store now and buy or rent this movie so you can watch it, because it's THAT good.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 46: Night of the Demons (2010)

2011-10-24T12:49:00.002-04:00

After the lackluster experience I had watching the original movie, I was less than excited about this remake, and it really is a pretty bad movie. The acting isn't that great, and do I really need to see a 10 minute long conversation among girlfriends about waxing during which one of them applies aloe to her crotch because the waxing has left uncomfortable burns? I don't object to nudity in movies, but this scene was gross and annoying and pointless, and we didn't even get to see said crotch area. I call foul. Nevertheless, this movie is actually ok, and it's probably better than the original taken as a whole, but the original movie had an opening scene and a closing scene that were just brilliant, and while this remake was better as a whole movie, nothing in this movie approached the brilliance of the opening and closing scene from the original movie. It's not a bad way to kill two hours though, and there's a disgusting scene involving a tube of lipstick that greatly improves upon a scene from the original movie (I'll leave the description of this scene up to your imagination).

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 45: [REC]2

2011-10-18T19:21:00.002-04:00

Oh my God, I loved this movie. I mean seriously LOVED this movie. Like I want to go out and buy it and watch it again right now. I am SO STOKED right now, you have no idea. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, because that's how I felt about the original movie after I'd seen it, but I thought with this movie...where the hell else are they going to go with this story? I mean, the original was shocking since it built up to its surprises, and people didn't know what was going to happen once they entered that apartment building, but now the cat is out of the bag (so to speak) and people know what's going on in that apartment (or they think they do, heh heh heh) so I honestly didn't see where else the story could go from here (except downhill, and that wasn't something I wanted to see). THIS is what a horror movie should do. Prove me wrong. Surprise me and keep me interested and show me that even when I think I've seen it all, I ain't seen nothing yet.

So y'all know the story here, right? A local news crew doing a community interest piece follows some firefighters around while they do their job one night, and they answer a distress call at an apartment building where an old lady is sick, and all hell breaks loose as they wind up trapped in a building with what seems to be a virus moving through the people in the building and turning them into rabid zombie-like creatures who are REALLY pissed off for some unknown reason. The local government is all about quarantining the people in the apartment to prevent the spread of the virus, and the people are trapped and freaked out as they get picked off one by one. It's a great little movie, and this movie picks up right where that one ended, with local troops being dispatched to go into the apartment and see what happened there. All is not as it seems though, and the troops haven't been told the whole truth, and they encounter something they never expected, and I have to shut up now before I give away everything that happens (I know, you're thinking "but you DID give everything away!" Not even close. that's what I thought too, but this movie surprised me more than I could have ever expected, and you should go out and watch it now and see what I mean, ok)?

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 44: The Human Centipede: First Sequence

2011-10-18T18:52:00.002-04:00

I don't really know what to say about this movie. It's one of those movies where the subject matter is so gross that people pitch a fit about it without even having seen it, and they build the movie up to be the most disgusting thing ever filmed, and then the fans of really disgusting movies go and see it and they think it's boring, because it doesn't live up to the hype, and then some people go and see it and come back preaching about how it's "deeply moving" and it will "affect people emotionally and they can't deny its power" and then other people counter that flowery praise by saying "no, it didn't affect me deeply, it bored the fuck out of me" and people like me sit in the middle of all this controversy and don't know what to believe.

Here's my take: I liked this movie. I liked the two girls who appear at the beginning. Sure, they're kind of twits, but so was I at 22, and it's not like they're all that much more annoying than other horror movie characters, so I don't know why so many people complained about them being annoying. They're not that bad. And then people complained that they whined a lot. Ok, when you get captured by a killer who wants to sew you ass-to-mouth with two other people and turn you into a human centipede, and he drugs you and mutilates you, then you can come to me and brag about how you never whined or cried about it. For me, I didn't find their crying all that excessive. I'd be crying too if I were in that situation. Sure, I wouldn't be in that situation because I'd never go into this creepy asshole's house in the first place, especially after his first question to me when I came to his door was "Are you alone?" but it didn't bother me that these girls cried. I also found it kind of touching when they'd hold hands and try to comfort each other even after creepy freaky guy sews them together. Sue me. I wasn't "deeply emotionally scarred" by it or anything, but I felt bad for these people in this horrible situation.

That's another point I want to address: the gore we see onscreen. It's disgusting to think about what this freak does to these people, but the movie really doesn't "show" us that much gore. We get to see the people sewn together, and picturing what that would be like for them is disturbing, but as for actual gore, I've seen far gorier films. I guess with this movie, the premise either works or it doesn't. Either you get freaked out thinking about how horrible this situation would be, and you feel bad for the characters, and that keeps you interested in the movie even when it gets ridiculous (and believe me, it DOES stretch the limits of disbelief on more than one occasion) or it gets too ridiculous for you and the movie collapses under the weight of everything that doesn't work and you wind up not liking it. I can see how that could happen, too. People complain about the two girls being stupid, but holy batfuck batman, are the COPS in this movie a couple of boneheads. Seriously, they are the ones who piss me off, making some of the dumbest moves I've ever seen characters make onscreen. By the end of the movie I wanted to jump through the screen and kill them myself.

Speaking of the ending, it's really disturbing for me. I could see how for some people it would just be over-the-top and silly, but I'd managed to like the characters even through everything that happened, so I felt bad for their situation and the ending was suitably disturbing for me because of this. Ultimately, I found enough in this movie to enjoy, and I cared about the characters, so I was glad I watched it, even if the idea behind the movie is really gross. I don't get those people who read the description of the movie, knew what it was about, then walked into a screening of their own free will and ended up walking out. I read one review where the reviewer refused to write a review (nice show of dedication to your job there, buddy) and he actually said "I read the description, so I knew what the movie was about, and then I saw what was happening onscreen and I thought 'yep, they really ARE going to show this' and I walked out." I don't get statements like that. This is a movie about a creepy weirdo doctor who's so messed up he thinks he can destroy people's lives by experimenting on human beings and mutilating them and turning them into a grotesque creature...what did you think it was going to be about? Sorry, you don't get any brownie points from me for knowing what a movie is about and then walking out because the movie shows what it says it's going to show (and like I said, the movie isn't even THAT disturbing unless you've connected enough with the characters to care what they're going through onscreen, and if you've done that much, than the movie has some skill and effectiveness to recommend it, or you wouldn't have been affected that way). Right? I mean, if you're affected enough by the movie to walk out of it, then in some ways it must have done its job. If you walk out because you're bored, that's another thing I guess, but none of the early reviews said that; they all talked about having to leave because the movie was so disgusting, and I thought "well...yeah, isn't it supposed to be that way?"

I don't know if I can recommend this movie, because a lot of people I know and respect didn't like it, but I'm used to that. People usually don't like the movies I like anyway. As far as I'm concerned, this movie was worth a watch, so horror fans who can stomach the premise of the movie should at least give it a look before they dismiss it because of all the controversy.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 43: In Dreams

2011-10-18T18:45:00.003-04:00

I was so aggravated after this movie ended that I decided to let it sit for awhile before I wrote my review to avoid snapping and screaming "OMG IT SUCKED" at the top of mu lungs, because the truth is, this movie DOESN'T suck...some parts of it are very well done, but they're bogged down by so much crap that it's hard to appreciate them. I finally realized today what it's like. It's like there is a good movie buried alive under a pile of shit, and it keeps trying to dig its way to the surface and every once in awhile a hand breaks free or a head pops up only to be forced back down by the weight of all the shit surrounding it.

Annette Benning gives an alternatingly good and annoyingly over-the-top performance here as a young mother who has been plagued by visions all her life, but recently she's been dreaming of a man killing children in an apple orchard, and when cvhildren really ARE disappearing in her town, that understandably scares her. Aidan Quinn is ok in his role as the not quite doting husband who is away all the time because his job takes him all over the world, but it's hard to blame him for cracking up a little when his wife goes completely apeshit halfway through the movie and she's screaming and ranting and raving and cutting herself and it's hard to know what's really happening and what's all in her head. I mean that for the audience too. I spent the better part of this movie wondering what the fuck I was seeing onscreen, and I'm still not sure. I think this movie was trying too hard to be symbolic and poetic and it slipped over the line into ridiculous territory instead. It's a shame, because there's a lot that could have been good here, and it's interesting to give the movie a watch, but don't expect it to make much coherent sense, and don't watch it with a migraine like I did, because it will just make things worse.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 42: Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2011)

2011-10-18T18:38:00.002-04:00

I know I saw the original of this movie when I was a kid. I wasn't allowed to watch it, but I remember sneaking out and hiding behind the couch in my aunt and uncle's house and seeing parts of it. I don't remember it very well, but I remember enough to know I liked what I saw. I haven't gotten around to watching the original since then (I was about 6 or 7 when I first saw it) but when I got the chance to go see this remake in the cheapie theaters with a friend, I jumped at the chance.

I don't care what anyone else says, for my money, this was a good movie. It was creepy, I cared about the characters, and the acting was much better than I would have expected. Katie Holmes did a good job as the harried stepmother trying to connect with a stepdaughter who wants nothing to do with her, Guy Pearce is great as the idiot dad who is so focused on work that he doesn't realize that evil creatures in his creepy old house are focused on taking his daughter from him, and even the daughter did a good job playing her role. Kids can always be a gamble in any movie, but she managed to be annoying and rebellious while still making me care what happened to her. The creatures were creepy, too. they were exactly what would have made me terrified to look under the bed at 10 years old (and they were no picnic to see at 30, either). This isn't the pinnacle of cinematic genius or anything, but it was a lot of fun, enough to make me want to buy the DVD when it comes out.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 41: Night of the Demons (1988)

2011-10-17T01:17:00.002-04:00

This is one of those 80s horror flicks that I somehow managed to miss over the years, and I've always wanted to see it, so that could be part of why I was so let down when I finally did see it. Right from the beginning, ALL of the characters in this movie are complete assholes and they mock each other and act like jerks, and the first 45 minutes of this movie NOTHING really happens except we follow these jackasses around watching them treat each other like shit, and I was ready to jump through the screen and kill them all myself when something FINALLY happened and the demon action started. I guess after that it was ok, but I still didn't really like any of the characters so I got annoyed with them while they made some of the stupidest boneheaded moves I've ever seen and got picked off one by one. The movie really seemed to drag. The opening sequence and the closing sequence which feature a grouchy old man and his longsuffering wife are actually the best part of the movie, but I didn't appreciate having to sit through an hour and a half of bullshit to get there. This movie isn't as good as its reputation would lead you to believe. If I want to watch a kooky and cheesy 80s horror flick, "Return of the Living Dead" is lightyears better than this.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 40: Wake Wood

2011-10-14T09:26:00.003-04:00

I'm on a roll lately. Every movie I've watched has been good (knock on wood...haha, wood). This story particularly grabbed me. A mother and father are devastated when their daughter dies, and they move to a small village where the villagers have some strange customs. They learn that there is a ritual where the villagers can bring their daughter back for three days so they can see her one last time and say a proper goodbye. Nothing about this scenario sounds like a bad idea to them, so they agree, but will three days be enough time? Could there be consequences for trying to cheat death? The premise is compelling, the acting is good, and the story kept me guessing (plus the ending is just plain great). This one is highly recommended.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 39: Dead Snow

2011-10-14T09:18:00.003-04:00

Everybody has been telling me for a few years that this movie is good, but I haven't had a chance to check it out until now. In this case, everyone was right, this movie is pretty awesome. At first I didn't like the main characters, 6 med school students heading into the mountains for a week-long ski trip in a friend's cabin, but as the movie went on, the characters kind of grew on me and I wound up rooting for them. This is the first "nazi zombie" movie I've seen (apparently there are several) and that premise sounds kind of dubious, but I guess it works as well as any other zombie movie. A character drops by randomly on the first night in the cabin to tell the story that serves as exposition here (Nazis occupied a town during the second world war, they tortured and mistreated the townspeople, the townspeople fight back and drive the Nazis into the mountains where they froze to death, their evil still exists and can bring them back to life to munch on anyone who disturbs their slumber, that kind of thing). It's a little silly, but there's enough gore and semi-likable characters to keep me entertained.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 38: The Roommate

2011-10-13T14:59:00.003-04:00

This is another movie that people like to hate on. It's a kind of teen-lite version of Single White Female, which I remember from way back in the olden days (it's the definitive scary roommate movie). In this movie, two girls are tossed together as roommates at college and they become close friends, but one girl takes the "close friendship" idea too far. she goes from admiring her roommate to following her around, scaring off her other friends, trying first to control and then to take over her life. It's not an original premise, but "The Roommate" handles the subject matter well. Leighton Meester does a great job being the creepy roommate. Plotwise, it's pretty close to a carbon copy of "Single White Female," but again, it's not a bad watch. It was an ok way to kill an hour and a half, which is what I wanted. I'm really glad I live alone, though, because this movie combines with "Single White Female" make me leery about ever having roommates again.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 37: Quarantine 2: Terminal

2011-10-13T14:12:00.002-04:00

I don't understand why so many people bash this movie so mercilessly. It's not a cinematic masterpiece or anything, but it's a fun little horror flick that tries to build on the story of "Quarantine." that's an important distinction...yes, "Quarantine" was a remake of the Spanish horror movie [REC] but it built its own little world and its own spin on the story, and this builds on that, it's not a remake of [REC 2]; at this point, the movie is doing its own thing. Someone said this movie is like a "Disney channel version of [REC 2]" but I don't know what disney Channel that guy watches, because this movie has gore and nastiness and a lot of gruesome stuff, and it's definitely not watered-down.

This movie picks up later on in the night of the first movie, where passengers aboard an airplane flying out of LA find themselves facing a rapidly spreading virus that causes people to snap and exhibit rabies-like symptoms, eventually turning and attacking and gnawing on the other passengers. Once they perform an emergency landing of the plane, they find themselves under lockdown at the Terminal and the government seems more intent on cutting them off from their means of communicating with the outside world than on helping them. It's bleak and icky and not half as bad as everyone says it is, so for my money, it's worth checking out.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 36: Bereavement

2011-10-13T08:21:00.002-04:00

This is one of those movies that seems to bring out the rabid polar opposite opinions among horror fans. One side loves the movie and one side hates it, and they meet in the middle and fight to the death. I'm not going to pretend there aren't any really annoying parts in the movie (here, let's sit in the kitchen and talk about how this little boy has a condition called CIPA which renders him unable to feel pain, and how it's totally dangerous to leave him unsupervised, and leave him alone playing in the yard while we're talking and not even look out the window to make sure he's ok for like, thirty minutes) but I don't think it's totally fair to say that everyone in this movie is "terminally stupid" (as one reviewer put it). Well, ok, maybe it's not a good idea to scream and cry loudly while you're trying to sneak away from a murderer's house (unless he's deaf, which this victim is so loud while she's making her stealthy exit that he could probably hear her even if he was deaf) but...I dunno, characters have to be dumb in horror movies or otherwise the movie would be five minutes long. And really, most of the people complaining haven't ever been trapped in a killer's basement before, so they can't say they'd be way smarter if they were ever in that situation.

The killer in this movie is creepy as hell. Even creepier than hell. I'm pretty sure I'd rather take my chances in hell than try to navigate life without pissing off this guy. Ok, later on in the movie the main girl makes some boneheaded moves. It's probably not a great idea to walk into some random stranger's house, even if you think you're trying to help the little boy you're following around (seriously, who the hell just waltzes into someone's house like that? I grew up in the country and we were never that stupid, so don't try to hand me that excuse). And what's up with captain angrypants, the uncle from hell who does nothing but run around and scream at everyone for the entire running time of the movie? Dude, chill the fuck out. Seriously. I was ready to jump into the screen and kill him myself.

I have to say though, this movie it a cut above the director's earlier movie, "Malevolence," and it shows great improvement. That movie felt like five different movies tossed into a blender, and it frustrated me because there seemed to be some promise in the story there, but it just never came together for me. I definitely liked this movie better and am looking forward to seeing more from this filmmaker in the future.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 35: The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

2011-10-12T15:26:00.002-04:00

This is one of my favorite horror movies of recent years. It's my favorite horror remake, hands down, and it's one of my favorite horror movies of all time. When it debuted in 2006 I went to a matinee showing the week after it was released, and I was so blown away that I went to see it four more times that week. I bought the DVD when it came out and I've watched it about ten times since then. When I first went to see it, I had never seen the original movie, so I knew it was about a family whose trailer breaks down in the desert and they get attacked by mutated cannibalistic humans who live in the desert and prey on travelers, but I didn't know anything else about it, so I had no idea what to expect and I was blown away at how much emotion the movie was able to wrench from me.

I cried when I first saw it in theaters at the big attack scene about an hour into the movie, I was sad and feared for the worst when the family decided they had to fight back, I flinched when I was sure I knew who was going to die, I was so impressed when that person finally fought back that I stood up and cheered before I remembered I was in the middle of a theater...the movie had that much power to move me then, and it hasn't lost any of that power over the years. I was surprised when the movie brought tears to my eyes again today, but I shouldn't have been. I guess it's been so long since I last saw the movie that I'd forgotten what made me go back to see it so many times.

I had a conversation once with some people who shall remain nameless. I went to see the Rob Zombie "Halloween" remake with them, and they were unimpressed with the movie and unimpressed with me for liking it, and when I mentioned that I had loved the "Hills have Eyes" remake, one of the group launched into a tirade about how this movie was sick and horrible and it had "things I didn't know they were allowed to put in movies," and how anyone who could say they "loved" this movie had something seriously wrong with them. I won't argue with you that there's something seriously wrong with me. I will say that you're far from the first person to suggest that, and if you think, after a few hours of knowing me, that you can point out anything "bad" about me that I haven't already noticed myself after living with myself for thirty years, then you're not as smart as you obviously think you are. I will say that I'm confronted with evil in the world around me every day, that sometimes it's so strong and so prevalent that it seems hopeless and it brings me to my knees and I don't know how I'll go on, and that every time that happens, somehow I get up and I DO go on, and I'm still here and still fighting.

I've never seen a movie before or since where characters faced such evil and yet managed to fight back, even when it seemed hopeless, even if it turns out to be hopeless after all, and they're limping and weakened and covered with blood, but they're still going and they're still alive, and no matter what happens after the end credits roll, that's what will stick with me. It's exactly what I needed to see then, it's exactly what's made me come back to the movie so many times in the years since I first saw it, and it's exactly what I needed to see again today. I'm not saying that's normal, or that there isn't anything wrong with that. Hell, I'd be surprised if there weren't anything wrong with me after everything that's happened in this life, everything I've seen, but this movie makes me want to keep going and keep fighting, and for me, that makes watching it worthwhile. Again and again and again.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 34: Hit and Run (2009)

2011-10-12T05:01:00.003-04:00

At first, I wasn't into this movie and it was getting on my nerves and pissing me off, and then I was glued to the screen but it didn't make sense, and now that it's over I think I get what was going on so I can explain it better.

First, the movie starts off as a college girl is getting drunk at a party, and the camerawork is sloppy and the movie is disjointed. I thought it was just a bad movie at first, but now having seen the whole thing, I think the filmmakers wanted to disorient us because the character was drunk, so they wanted us sloppy and confused as well. I think further viewing of the film will bear out this interpretation, but that doesn't necessarily mean I agree with their choice, because it makes the movie really annoying and confusing and a lot of people will probably give up on it if they aren't as dedicated as I am.

The young woman drives home drunk (because she's a GENIUS) and hits something on the way. She gets home, pukes (and we get a lovely camera shot from inside the toilet...ew) and then discovers that she hit a guy on the way home, and he's still embedded to the bumper of her car (she didn't notice him before because, like I said, she's a genius). I won't spoil as much as the rest of the reviews I've read, but suffice it to say that she has the WORST luck in the universe and she picked the WORST possible guy to hit with her car. The second part of the movie, ushered in with the discovery of the guy on her bumper, is also very disjointed, and again I thought, further bad filmmaking. But now, re-watching it, I again think this was INTENTIONAL as we're supposed to be as discombobulated and confused as Mary here. Again, not the best choice, since a lot of people might give up at this point because the movie is confusing and they don't think it's going to get any better. There's one scene where Mary is in the dark woods with her boyfriend and there's just a lone flashlight beam illuminating everything for about twenty minutes of screen time, and we can hear stuff going on but we can't SEE anything, and it's annoying and confusing. I'm sure the filmmakers thought this was a great idea, but it's grounds for a lot of people to turn off the movie, or at least fast forward. We all know those "darkness" scenes in movies where everything is visible but only illuminated with a faint blue glow are bullshit, but filmmakers do that so the audience can SEE what's going on, and if people don't realize you're trying something different by leaving the screen black for twenty minutes they might just assume you have no idea how to make a movie and turn it off before you have a chance to show them your filmmaking skills later in the movie.

The third act of this movie is...I don't know how to describe it, but it's what made me decide that these filmmakers might know what they're doing, even if they don't bother to try and let us viewers in on the secret. Without giving too much away, Mary becomes the target of revenge here, and the rest of the movie feels kind of like a bad acid trip as it gets more and more OUT THERE and I kind of stared at the screen openmouthed with shock. It gets gory and nasty and mean-spirited, which I like, and it definitely scares me away from ever driving drunk, so effective there. I won't tell you what happens, but there are plenty of other reviews that WILL tell you what happens. Suffice it to say any sympathy you had for the guy Mary hit is GONE and therefore there's no one left to really feel sorry for, since Mary isn't very likable herself. It's still kind of interesting to watch, though, and the ending is darkly hilarious. Overall, I think this movie is better than it looks, but you have to be patient in order to see that. I'm glad I watched it, but I wish it hadn't taken over an hour for me to realize the movie knew what it was doing.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 33: Asylum (2008)

2011-10-12T04:52:00.004-04:00

There seems to be a lot of hate for this direct to DVD movie from 2008, but I don't think it's half bad. Sure, the characters are all kind of stupid, but as with a lot of horror movies, they have to be that way to advance the plot, and I've seen characters act a lot dumber in movies everyone seems to like, so people need to stop complaining about that. The acting is also not as bad as everyone says. Sarah Roemer in particular gives a pretty good performance as Madison, a young woman who is afraid that the mental illness that has haunted her family for years may be hereditary as she starts to see scary things at her new dorm at college. Though the characters are kind of types (the slutty girl, the slutty party guy, the deep intense serious brooding guy, the smart nerd, etc.) I still kind of liked most of them and felt bad when they all started to die horrible deaths. From the picture on the cover, I thought this was going to be one of those "we all go to an asylum and then we all start to die" movies, but it's about coeds who find out that their college dorm used to be an asylum for teenagers who were tortured by their doctor. Those images work pretty well (just don't think about the timeline, as it was supposed to be over 70 years ago and they talk to a supposed survivor who is CLEARLY not any older than 60). There are a few scenes that get silly and ridiculous, and the very ending is kind of stupid and clumsy, but the rest of the movie is pretty good (at least not half as bad as everyone is saying it is).

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 32: Carver

2011-10-10T17:05:00.003-04:00

I remember watching this movie for a horror challenge a few years ago and being amazed at how good it was, but I was tired and possibly delusional, so I wanted to check it out again and see if it was actually as good as I had remembered, especially since so many reviews for the movie were negative. People complained that it had bad acting, that it was gratuitously gross, and that the camera work was shaky at best. to those people I say: shut up and go watch "Citizen Cane" again and leave us trolls to have our fun. This movie was good. Yes, the camera work is shaky...most of the time it's supposed to be that way, as it's some grainy footage of people being butchered in the backwoods, and if those scenes had been polished, people would have bitched that it was unrealistic. The acting is NOT that bad, especially considering that the movie was shot for like, $10 in someone's backyard. I've seen worse acting in high-budget Hollywood movies. There are some very famous actors that I won't name who are PAID to suck at acting. These people delivered their lines and made me believe what they said, so that's all I ask. Yes, the movie was gross. It's a movie about somebody chopping up campers in the woods; what did you expect? There's one scene with an outhouse toilet that actually made me want to puke, but for me, that's a GOOD thing. I don't think every horror movie needs to be nasty to be good, but the nastiness worked in this movie. Yeah, the characters make a bunch of boneheaded moves, but so do characters in every horror movie. If they were smart, the movie would be ten minutes long and very boring. For their part, once the shit starts getting gruesome, the characters actually try to fight back, which is better than some horror movies I could name. the movie got under my skin and got that goddamn creepy "Turkey in the Straw" song stuck in my head, and now I'll never be able to look at that song the same way again. Thanks a LOT, "Carver."

Is it recommended? I don't know how to answer that question. Some guy gets bashed with an outhouse toilet, a girl gets nails driven into her, several people get hacked in the head with a saw...does that sound like your idea of a good time? Then, yes, I recommend this movie. "Citizen Cane" it is not, but it was a bit of nasty fun.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 31: Encounter with the Unknown

2011-10-10T14:30:00.002-04:00

This is one movie that scared the living SHIT out of me when I was a kid. I'm not kidding you. My uncle David brought the ratty old VHS of this movie with him when he visited us one day when I was a kid, and we sat down to watch it, and my poor little ten-year-old mind was reduced to a quivering mass of terror for MONTHS afterward. It's mainly the second story in this trilogy, where a little boy is playing in the woods and he loses his dog and then comes upon this mysterious hole (almost falling in) with weird mist and moaning sounds coming from it. All the men in town come to check it out after hearing the boy's story, and they are scared of this hole too, but the boy's father decides that the dog might be at the bottom of the hole (oh sure, all that mist and all those moaning sounds are coming from a DOG, you brain dead lump of fertilized sperm). I'm not going to give away what happens in the story, but suffice it to say I was convinced for MONTHS that whatever was at the bottom of that hole was going to come after me. I would lay awake at night crying in terror, I was so scared. I was sure that the evil creature or whatever was down in that hole was hiding in my closet waiting for me to go to sleep so it could get me (don't ask me how I transfered the monster from the bottom of that hole to the closet, but there you go). Seeing the movie now makes me break out in more unintentional laughter than shivers, but that hole in the woods is still pretty freaky, even after all these years. Whatever is down there, I hope it doesn't come after me. I'm staying away from my closet from now on, just in case.

The other two stories aren't half bad, either. The first story, which terrified my brother when we were kids almost as much as the second story terrified me, is about some college friends who play a prank on one of their friends and cause a terrible accident. The mother of the boy who is the vitctim of the prank gets her own kind of revenge on the other boys in the group, and it is creepy. The third story is a take on the "girl on the bridge" story which I've heard many times. A man driving his car alone at night sees a girl standing on a bridge, and she asks him to take her home, but when he gets to the address she gives him, he finds out that something supernatural is going on. I think even the show "Supernatural" used this story in one of their episodes from the first season. The story isn't bad here, but they add a lot of unnecessary filler to make it longer than it needs to be and pad the running time unnecessarily.

The whole movie is EXTREMELY dated. The hairstyles and clothes are some of the scariest things about this movie, but that misty hole in the woods still gives me chills, and I can't wait to scare the shit out of my own kids with this movie some day, continuing the proud family tradition of terror.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 30: Hocus Pocus

2011-10-10T14:26:00.002-04:00

This was one I somehow missed all my childhood until now, so I decided to check out the DVD. I happen to think it's cute, and it has witches, zombies, and the killing of children to gain immortality as a subplot, so I'm counting it as horror and anyone who doesn't like that can go play Jumanji and get sucked into the jungle for all I fucking care. At least then I won't have to deal with them anymore. The witches in this movie were a lot of fun, with Bette Midler even managing to creep me out a bit here and there. Plus add a young Thora Birch as the little sister who must fight the witches once her "airhead virgin" brother resurrects them, and we have a winner.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 29: Something Wicked this way Comes

2011-10-10T09:17:00.002-04:00

This is another movie I've wanted to see since I was a kid but my mom would never let me, so I bought the DVD with great anticipation. Unlike other movies I could name (I'm looking at YOU, "Watcher in the Woods") this movie actually lived up to my expectations. Good old Ray Bradbury. He never lets me down.

I'm sure you've heard the story of this movie, based on one of Bradbury's most famous books: A carnival comes to a small town, and the owner promises the residents everything their hearts desire, but these desires come at a high price (hello "Needful things," is that you?) It's a familiar story, but the results are quite creepy and the child actors do a great job making the story come alive in this movie.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 28: The Watcher in the Woods

2011-10-10T09:08:00.004-04:00

I've never seen this movie. My mom never let me watch it when I was a kid, even though it was aimed at kids, so I've waited years to finally see it. The beginning of the movie is creepy and effective, as the teenage daughter finds out that there is something sinister in the woods surrounding her family's new house. She thinks something is watching her, and it either wants to hurt her or wants her to help it, and she's not sure which. The beginning of the movie is actually quite good. It's not until halfway through that the movie starts to turn into a huge pile of shit, and the ending is so ridiculous that it made me very cranky and I really don't want to go into it here. Suffice it to say that even at the age of ten, I'd like to think I would have seen the bullshit here. Poo. and it seemed so good at first.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 27: Jumanji

2011-10-10T09:01:00.003-04:00

So...why is this movie included in a horror movie challenge? That's a good question. I have another good question. How come an evil board game equals a horror movie plot in "Witchboard" but not in "Jumanji"? How come a bunch of kids working to stop an ancient evil is a horror movie plot in "Something wicked This Way Comes" and in "It," but not in "Jumanji"? How come a game that entices you to play so it can suck you in and kill you is a horror movie plot in "Stay Alive" but not in "Jumanji"? It's been years since I saw this movie, but I considered it a horror movie for the preteen set back then, and I still consider it that way now, and if you don't agree, that's fine, but the verbal acrobatics people have to perform to explain why "Jumanji" ISN'T a horror movie when it has so many of the elements that other horror movies have are amusing to me.

It makes me happy that this movie was just as good as I'd remembered. Creepy giant spiders, evil hunters who stalk and kill you, giant insects, rampaging jungle animals wreaking havoc in a small town...nope, nothing horrific about that. *rolls eyes*

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 26: Puppetmaster III: Toulon's Revenge

2011-10-10T08:57:00.002-04:00

In this movie, we go back to the past and see Toulon back when he was being chased by the Nazis, who wanted his secret of bringing inanimate objects to life. They kill his wife and drive him into hiding, and it's fun getting to see a bunch of evil Nazis brought down by puppets. Toulon isn't a bad guy in this movie, the way he's portrayed in the second one. Here I was cheering on his revenge.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 25: Puppetmaster II

2011-10-10T08:52:00.003-04:00

Maybe it's the migraine talking, but this movie seemed better than the first one to me. The kills were creepier, the characters were more annoying so it was more fun watching them die, and that creepy ass ending would have been the height of film genius if I were ten years old, but wasn't half bad at thirty, either. Of course I got visions of "Darkman" dancing in my head throughout the movie with Toulon and his bandaged face (was it supposed to be a twist ending when the bandaged man was revealed to be him? I had it figured out before it happened...again, maybe if I were ten...) but that didn't ruin the fun of the movie for me.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 24: Puppetmaster

2011-10-10T08:49:00.002-04:00

Everyone told me that this movie was horrible, but I'd wanted to see it since it came out. I was eight in 1989, and it looked like the best movie ever made, to me. Well, I watched it, and it was NOT the best movie ever made (though maybe if I were eight, it would have been) but I did enjoy it. It's gory and nasty and fun. The little puppets are creepy, and the special effects that create them aren't as cringe-inducing as you'd think.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 23: Hellraiser VII: Deader

2011-10-09T08:54:00.003-04:00

I like Kari Wuhrer, so I wanted to like this movie even before it started playing. The premise is an interesting one: a reporter (reporters don't fare well in this series of movies, if you'll recall part 3) views a mysterious video of a girl apparently being raised from the dead, so she goes to check out what happened, hoping to get a big scoop. What she finds, of course, is that coming back from the dead causes all sorts of problems, and when she gets her hands on the titular puzzle box, all hell breaks loose (hahahahaha...ok, I promise never to make that joke again). Like most of the characters in this series, Wuhrer's reporter Amy doesn't know when to leave hell enough alone (the puns just keep getting worse as the review drags on, don't they?) so she watches another video tape with a woman muttering crazy things, and she ignores the woman's warnings and uses the box to open a portal to hell and summon Pinhead. This is why you shouldn't ignore crazy people. Even if they ramble about weird sounding shit, sometimes they have a point.

The scenes with the cenobites and such are pretty cool. Other aspects of the story, like the mysterious "Joey" and his hangout, are kind of stupid and make me want to fast forward to get to the next scene of demonic mayhem. Plus the whole premise kind of starts to fall apart when you scrutinize it too closely. I mean, originally people bought the box and opened the portal to hell INTENTIONALLY for the thrill of it, didn't they? But in this movie, the reporter accidentally solves the puzzle box and gets all damned anyway. Whatever happened to that "It is not the hands that call us, it is the desire" stuff from part 2 of the series? In that installment, even a girl who opened the puzzle box didn't draw Pinhead's wrath because he knew someone put her up to it, so he went after that guy instead. Maybe Pinhead is getting cranky in his old age.

I guess Amy is kind of asking for it anyway, what with how she chases the story even after it becomes clear it's dangerous. Then even after a bunch of creepy shit happens and she knows her life is in danger, she STILL insists on going after the story, so the whole "curiosity killed the cat" warning applies, I guess. that ties everything together with the rest of the series. Who cares about all that continuity garbage, anyway? Just sit back and enjoy the show. When you don't think about it too much, the movie is kind of cool (plus anything is better than Pinhead in Space).

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 22: Hellraiser VIII: Hellworld

2011-10-09T08:39:00.002-04:00

Yes, I realize that this is the eighth movie in the Hellraiser series; that's not a typo up there. Why did I watch it before part seven, then? Well, the DVD I bought has the movies listed in order on the DVD's opening menu, so I popped it in and clicked the seventh movie listed without bothering to read the title. I just kind of assumed it would be the seventh movie in the series. I know, stupid of me, right? But then by the time I figured out it must be the EIGHTH movie instead (who the hell fucked up the order of the movies? Who puts the eighth movie before the seventh?) it was already twenty minutes into the movie, so I just left it, since I didn't want to skip back to the beginning and start again after I was already involved in the story of the movie. Sue me. I'll watch the seventh movie later.

Yes, you read that right, I was involved in the story (that wasn't a typo either). I know everyone has probably told you that "Hellraiser: Hellworld" is a terrible movie, and maybe they all agree with me and I'm the odd one out (wouldn't be the first time) but I really liked this movie. Right from the beginning, when a young man gets himself all dead whilst playing a game known as "Hellworld," I thought it was an interesting premise (and yeah, I kinda wanted to play the game too...I expect to open a portal to hell any day here now). This is actually the first time one of these damn Hellraiser movies has seemed plausible to me. Before I've been shaking my head at the stupidity of people trying to relieve boring lives and or boring sex by buying a puzzle box and opening a portal to hell. Idiots. But I would TOTALLY get sucked in by a video game, so I guess Pinhead DOES have a way to get my soul after all. I'm screwed. Anyway, a young man dies and his friends are mourning him, until two years after his death they get an invitation to a rave at "Hellworld" and of course, they all go, because Hellworld is just a game and there could be nothing dangerous about this situation, right?

The gore is pretty cool here, and it's fun to see a bunch of horror geeks onscreen, since that's totally me (one guy even wears a Pinhead shirt at one point that I want) and watching them all die freaky deaths is creepy yet kind of cool. There are some twists at hand, of course, but I dug them all (until that very ending when things got a little too stupid for words...I think upon future viewings, I'm going to stop the movie before all that dumb stuff happens, at the scene in the graveyard). Other than the very ending, though, I enjoyed the whole movie, so I'm stoked. The movie wasn't a bad way to kill an hour and a half, and it's way better than everyone told me it would be.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 21: Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker

2011-10-08T21:02:00.003-04:00

This movie was hyped a lot in horror fan circles when it came out because of the return of Ashley Laurence to the series. The woman who played Kirsty in the first two movies was a big lure for horror fans, even though snide comments in interviews indicated that she perhaps did not enjoy the movies the way the fans did. The movie seems to want us to believe that Kirsty has grown up and FORGOTTEN what happened in the first two Hellraiser movies (sure, my family was killed by demons and I was sucked into hell, but I don't really remember it now...) and she married a guy (who is a total idiot by the way) and she seems to be happy until one day she's busy flirting with her husband in the front seat of their car, neither of them watching the road, and they drive off a bridge and crash into the water below. Her husband survives, but she is missing, and he is haunted by visions of sex, murder, and bloody death that may or may not be real.

Actually, I did like this movie. I know it's not perfect, and Kirsty's husband is a total idiot for getting sucked in by the puzzle box that is a portal to hell (why do people in these movies decide that if their lives are boring, the answer is to get involved with demons from hell?) but aside from the inherent stupidity of the characters, the movie has some good gore and creepy scenes, and it was an enjoyable watch because of that.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 20: Boo

2011-10-08T07:16:00.002-04:00

I don't really see everyone's problem with this movie. Every review I've seen has been really nasty whining about how this movie is "predictable" and "derivative" and I have to ask, what did you expect? It's a movie about a group of teens who explore a place that's supposedly haunted and wind up being terrorized and knocked off one by one by a bunch of nasty, mean spirited ghosts (hee hee hee, I said "spirited"). It's not the most original premise in the world, so of course it's going to ring familiar. There is plenty to like here. The gore is icky (especially once the trapped friends start turning into "drippers," and no, you don't want to know what "drippers" are) and there is some spooky mumbo-jumbo going on that ,leads to some fun "boo" scares. all in all an enjoyable watch if you don't think too hard about it all.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 19: The Ward

2011-10-06T11:04:00.004-04:00

This movie intrigued me. I love Amber Heard and will watch anything she's in, whether it's good or bad, but I had high hopes for this one since the institutional setting is usually creepy and effective in a horror movie. This movie didn't disappoint. Amber Heard gives a great performance as a young woman slowly becoming more and more unhinged as she sees freaky things happening around her and is at the mercy of the hospital staff to take care of her. But what if she can't trust them? What if something evil is trying to attack her and she can't run away to get help because her fears sound like psychotic delusions? The premise is good and the movie is short enough that the scenes don't drag while we're waiting for the whole twist to be revealed at the end. I wasn't sure how I felt about the twist at first, but after letting it sit for a bit, I like it. I think it's a much better attempt at a twist that occurred in another popular thriller that everyone seemed to like but I hated. I definitely think this movie handles the material much better (plus we get to look at amber Heard while we're waiting for the mystery to unfold). this movie is worth checking out. A lot of people seemed to dislike it, but I definitely enjoyed it.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 18: Chromeskull: Laid to Rest II

2011-10-06T10:57:00.003-04:00

Here's the thing about this movie. I watched the original two years ago as part of my Halloween challenge back then, and for about the first ten minutes I questioned the sanity of everyone who recommended it to me, but after that I just got sucked in so no matter how weird it was, I was hooked and I loved it. Weird but creepy and original looking killer, lots of gore, a fast pace that kept me on the edge of my seat, and not too long to overstay its welcome even though it raised a lot of questions and didn't answer any of them. I had high hopes for this sequel since everyone seemed to love it too, and I'm glad to say it didn't disappoint me. It pissed me off because this movie raises more questions than it answers AGAIN, but the gore was cook, the killer was creepy, the acting was good, the pace was fast again so it left me reeling but didn't drag on enough to become tedious, and I'm anxiously awaiting the third movie now. My only qualm is that now the movie has left so many questions unanswered, it had damn well better answer some of them soon or else it will fizzle out and not wrap up with a bang. That would be the biggest insult of all, now that it has captured my attention. but I'll give the filmmakers a chance to let their story unfold. There's enough gore and creepy kills to keep my interest in this franchise. Let's hope for the best.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 17: Hellraiser V: Inferno

2011-10-05T05:56:00.003-04:00

From the beginning of this movie, when we meet a cop who narrates the story like he's Sam Malone or something, I thought this might be as good as the original movie since it had creepy imagery and a seriously nasty feel to the events. then it got a little ridiculous, and nope, not as good as the original, but still way better than the fourth movie, so I liked it. The aforementioned cop is a seedy, sleazy police detective who goes on and on about how he loves his family and loves his wife, but she doesn't understand that his sleeping with prostitutes helps him stay faithful to her (um...what?) so he has to keep this part of his life a secret. Ok, player.

Of course, his life starts to take a sinister turn when, after one of those rendezvous with a prostitute which keep him all faithful and stuff, he wakes up on the bathroom floor and finds the titular puzzle box, which makes his life a living hell (ha ha ha, I said hell). He goes back to work but gets a call from the prostitute, who sounds like she's being eviscerated in the motel room where he left her, and all hell breaks loose (ha ha ha...) As much as this guy is a skeezebucket, he seems to genuinely love his daughter, so the scenes with her actually work even though we don't particularly feel sorry for him. He screwed up his own life, but that's not his family's fault. Plus the cenobites (demon minions who help assist Pinhead in tearing peoples' souls apart) are pretty nasty in this movie. Altogether, it's well worth a watch (and it beats the hell out of "Pinhead in space").

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 16: Hellraiser IV: Bloodline

2011-10-05T05:48:00.003-04:00

I make jokes all the time about movie sequels, saying that when the filmmakers run out of ideas, they can just set the sequel in space. apparently, whoever made this movie isn't in on the joke, as they thought it would be a good idea to actually set this sequel in space. As you can imagine, the results are pretty hilarious. A descendent of the man who first made the puzzle box that opens the portal to hell and summons Pinhead and his demons decides to try and destroy the portal once and for all (why did this need to be set in space again? Oh well, the giant puzzle box spaceship is kind of cool).

This movie goes back to the past, where we meet the original creator of the puzzle box, and it's hilarious because he's supposed to live in ancient France, but no one in the movie speaks French or even has a French accent. Way to go, filmmakers. Of course, the Hellraiser sequels usually have pretty cool special effects even when their plots leave much to be desired, and this one is no exception. People get ripped apart, skinned, sucked into hell and spit back out, and there are some nasty images of worms invading food that might put you off eating for awhile. We follow the "bloodline" of the puzzle box creators into the present, where a descendent of the bloodline has visions of evil and Pinhead decides to kidnap his young son in order to lure him to hell. Meanwhile, back on the spaceship, the guy who's telling us this story enlists the help of a woman who inexplicably believes him and gets her to help him carry out his plan to stop Pinhead (which we all know must not have been a very good plan since there are four more movies after this one). Yeah, it's ridiculous, but it's kind of fun too, so it's worth a watch if you're a fan of the series like I am.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 15: Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

2011-10-05T05:40:00.002-04:00

Hellraiser III gets a lot of crap for being a bad movie, and I don't really know why. sure, it's cheesy and not as good as the original, but did you expect it to be? For the third installment in a horror franchise, I think it's a lot better than it has any right to be. All the Hellraiser sequels are worth watching. They range in quality from pretty good, like this one, to pretty terrible, like, oh say, the fourth one, but they all have some good gore, creepy special effects, and enough going for them to make them enjoyable.

In this movie, an investigative reporter is following a series of mysterious deaths that surround the local underground scene and one seedy nightclub in particular. The guy who runs the nightclub is a typical Hellraiser villain, a mental genius who thinks it would be a good idea to play with a puzzle box that opens a portal to hell (hey, sounds like fun to me!) Pinhead and his minions start sucking people into hell and turning them into icky demonic things, and Joey, the reporter, seeks out the man who created Pinhead in order to figure out how to stop him. Oh, she also has visions of her father who died in Vietnam without ever getting to meet his daughter (wonder if Pinhead will use these visions to get at Joey?)

It's not rocket science, but some of the demons are really cool (check out what Pinhead does to a cameraman). Worth a watch if you're a fan of the first two movies. Even if you think it sucks, you might have fun watching it anyway.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 14: Scream Blacula Scream

2011-10-04T17:48:00.004-04:00

This sequel is actually about as good as the original movie. Some aspects even improve upon the original. Because this movie embraces the campiness of its premise, it manages to have scenes that are actually humorous, and then some scenes are actually pretty creepy without everything feeling like it's all good and bad mashed together because the movie takes itself way too seriously, like in the original. This time, a young man accidentally raised Blacula from beyond the grave when he seeks to get revenge on members of a cult who have corrupted his family and stolen the inheritance that he believes is his birthright. Blacula is irked at having his slumber disturbed in this way, and he enslaves the man, needing a minion to do his bidding. This guy is a real piece of work, and it's fun to see Blacula lay the smackdown on his. William Marshall makes a good vampire. He's menacing and elegant and charming. He really deserves more recognition for his performance in these movies than he gets.

Blacula continues his antisocial behavior from the original movie, stalking and eating people to feed his hunger, and falling into another hopeless love affair (this guy will never learn...paging Dr. Phil, stat! With any luck, Blacula will eat Dr. Phil and save the rest of us from having to deal with his annoying advice...win-win!) This is a fun movie that's worth a watch for vampire fans.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 13: Blacula

2011-10-04T17:38:00.003-04:00

Blacula is a blaxploitation movie from the 70s that probably deserves a better reputation than it has. Because it had a tiny budget, because it's inherently racist like all blaxploitation movies (homophobic, too...at one point a character asks "Who would want a dead faggot?" Good question, really) and because such movies just never get any respect, it's not credited with being good. The thing is, "Blacula" is a pretty good vampire movie, all things considered. It's disturbing. The racism is part of what makes it so, and the movie knows that...in the prologue in the beginning, Blacula is an African prince who travels to Transylvania to seek the help of Count Dracula in ending the slave trade, but Dracula isn't fond of the proposition and attacks the prince and his wife, turning the prince into a vampire as an eternal punishment for daring to visit him...talk about racially motivated killing.

Blacula is a sad movie, too. Blacula is a tragic figure. He lost the love of his life and was cursed with an eternal punishment for trying to end the slavery of his people, and then when he's awakened in the 1970s, he falls in love again, only to have his plans thwarted because the woman he loves is human. It's a sad story, and when the movie isn't too busy getting in its own damn way by presenting characters who are mere caricatures and using dialogue that is supposed to be "hip" but was probably dated and insulting even back when the movie came out, the movie manages to shine in spite of its flaws. Some of the vampire stalking/chase scenes were even scary. For my money, "Blacula" is well worth a watch.

2011 Horror Movie Challenge: Reinforcements

2011-10-04T14:25:00.004-04:00

It's a beautiful sight to see (click photo to imbiggen image)

With Netflix acting like a bunch of dipwads after the whole "Quickster" debacle, Blockbuster Online has lowered their prices to 50% off for the first two months, so I got the 3-DVD out at a time plan for $10 for the next 2 months, so I'll have help completing my horror challenge with some good movies I've been waiting a long time to see. My fires three movies, on the way right now, are "The Ward" (Amber Heard, how I do love thee) "Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2" (I loved the original, so I'[m excited to see the sequel) and "Boo!" (a movie from 2004 which I always wanted to see but kept putting off). Totally geeked.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 12: Curtains

2011-10-03T11:03:00.002-04:00

This is one of those movies that horror fans gush about a lot. It's a slasher from the 80s that hasn't gotten a "good" DVD release yet, so you can only find it in those skeezy looking 4 movie packs, and a lot of people say it deserves better than that. I watched this for the first time today, and I can honestly say this is one movie that lives up to its immense hype.

Right from the beginning the movie is dreamlike and it's hard to tell what's real and what's not, who is acting and who isn't. A famous (maybe I should say "infamous") director is making a much hyped film and he invites six actresses to his remote cabin on a winter weekend for a chance to audition for the part (sure, nothing sounds off about that, let's go!) Of course nothing is as it seems and someone seems to want the part badly enough to kill for it.

Samantha Eggar is really creepy in this movie. I expected her to fly into a rage and butcher everyone onscreen at any minute. There are some nightmares thrown into the mix, and everyone seems to walk around in a trancelike state and see things that may or may not really be there, so it's hard to tell who is crazy (I entertained thoughts that they might all be crazy and killing each other) and the effect is unsettling. The snowy setting is remote and creepy, and when the group gets snowed in, there's no chance to escape. I loved the setting, the acting was great, the premise was creepy (who isn't afraid to audition with a bunch of other actors who want a part as badly as you do and find out that they might be willing to kill to get it?) I pretty much loved everything about this movie and it is now one of my favorites.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 11: Bride of Boogedy

2011-10-03T08:27:00.002-04:00

This sequel to the 1986 made for TV Disney Halloween movie "Mr. Boogedy" appeared in 1987. The mom and dad from the original movie returned, but they replaced all the kids with actors who look nothing like the ones from the first film. I didn't notice that in 1987 (I was only 6, give me a break) but it was kind of annoying when I noticed it today. Other than that minor quibble, this movie was a lot of fun. It's longer than the original movie, at about 90 minutes (the original clocked in at just under an hour) and the titular ghost Mr. Boogedy is more menacing in this movie, as he tries to steal a woman back to the underworld to be his wife. It was a lot of fun watching this and getting a blast from the past.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 10: Mr. Boogedy

2011-10-03T08:22:00.002-04:00

This was a made-for-TV Disney Halloween movie from 1986. A family moves into a creepy old house in a small town and find out that the house is haunted by some ghosts. The father works as a gag toy salesman, so there are plenty of cheesy gags to go around as well as some fun lines ("Hey, did someone happen to leave a strange green light glowing in that room? I didn't think so...") It's cheesy fun. Bonus points for having a young Kristy Swanson playing the teenage daughter (she was the original "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" in the original movie, and has gone on to star in some above-average direct to DVD horror flicks, such as "Living Death").

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 9: The Poughkeepsie Tapes

2011-10-03T04:21:00.004-04:00

This is supposed to be a collection of videos recorded by a serial killer showing him stalking, torturing, and killing his victims. Interspersed throughout are interviews with police and other experts on the case. Um...for one of the "found footage" type horror movies that are supposed to be recordings of real events, it looks real since the camera angles and sound and picture quality are horrible, but the movie itself is ok. I personally enjoyed the "Head Case" films more than this one. Little things about this movie really irritate me and make me not like it as much as I wanted to.

One small example...when the mother of the little girl who gets kidnapped from her yard calls 911, the dispatcher tells her that the police can't investigate the disappearance until it's been 24 hours. Even a casual viewer of a few episodes of Law & Order should know better than that. If the missing person is a child, the police investigate right away, you dolts. Little things like this take me out of the movie (and I don't think it's a small quibble, really, asking the filmmakers to have a slight idea what the hell they're talking about before they make a movie...not to much to ask, really). And honestly, if I wanted to sit around and watch shaky footage that looks like it was filmed by a five year old, I'd lend my camera to a five year old and then watch that. It would probably be more interesting than this movie. Seriously, we watch the tapes of the torture, and then we get to listen to an interview with an "expert" who describes to us what we JUST FUCKING WATCHED TEN SECONDS AGO. And another time, we get to watch people sitting in a room watching the killer's film footage. wow, riveting, we're watching people watching TV. How meta.

It's not all bad. The killer's footage is sometimes creepy, and his voice can be chilling, and I feel bad making snide comments about these filmmakers who were obviously trying to make a good, solid indie movie here. Seriously though, people, there are other movies that do the same thing this movie tries to do, and they do it better. Watch those movies instead.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 8: The Haunting of Molly Hartley

2011-10-03T03:18:00.002-04:00

I don't k now why everyone had such a bug up their ass about this movie when it came out. Yes, it features a cast of recognizable teen stars and yeah, it's horror-lite aimed at a younger generation, but so what? If you don't like it, don't watch it. I got a lot of shit for wanting to see this movie, but I happen to like teen horror movies like this that I can maybe watch with my kids someday because they're not as hardcore and balls-to-the-wall as the other movies I've watched for this challenge. This is a story about a troubled teenage girl who has secrets in her past that could hurt her and everyone around her if she doesn't figure out what's going on and how to put a stop to it. Something supernatural is going on, and I enjoyed watching the mystery unfold. It was fun. I dug it. Not every movie has to be buckets of blood and gore to be considered a horror movie, ok? I love watching people get ripped apart as much as the next gal, but more psychological, quiet scares like the ones in this movie are fun for me, too.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 7: It Waits

2011-10-03T03:15:00.003-04:00

This is a fun little creature-in-the-woods movie starring Cerina Vincent as a troubled forrest ranger who throws herself into her job to escape the demons of her past and finds a living, breathing demon in the woods to contend with. All of my movies so far have been about ass-kicking women. It's pretty cool. There's some good gore in this movie as the creature feeds on unsuspecting hikers. The creature effects are a little silly but not too bad, and Cerina Vincent's character is likable. It's easy to empathize with her and root for her to make it.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 6: Doomsday

2011-10-03T03:01:00.003-04:00

This was one of my favorite movies that I discovered during a past year's horror movie challenge. A fresh take on the "end of the world" movie trope. In this movie, a grisly virus known as the "reaper virus" has ravaged the people in Scotland, and the government's solution was to build a huge wall and seal the people in, leaving them to suffer and die off. Sounds like something the US government would do (might come sooner rather than later, the way the economy is going). The fact that I can see this happening at some point in the future makes the movie even scarier than it would be otherwise. Of course, the government's plan wasn't foolproof (we know this since the whole sealing the people off part happens in the first ten minutes of the movie, so we know more is coming). Some 26 years after the opening sequence, the reaper virus is spreading once again and the government wants to find a cure, so they un-seal the wall and send in a group of elite troops to find possible survivors and see if there is a cure for the reaper virus. The lead character, a woman named Eden Sinclair, was just a little girl when her mother sent her away before the wall sealed Scotland away from the rest of the country. Eden has grown into a strong soldier and a powerful woman (she kicks major ass in this movie). One of the best parts of the movie is seeing her come to life again as she finds a mission and a purpose in her life (plus, like I said, seeing her kick a lot of ass is also a highlight of the movie viewing experience). The movie is gory and nasty (there's lots of gore as the survivors in Scotland tend to like snacking on each other, and the Reaper virus effects are pretty bloody and gruesome). All in all, this is a gory, nasty, ass-kicking extravaganza and a lot of fun to watch.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 5: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation

2011-10-02T23:14:00.002-04:00

This movie is pretty terrible, but the thing about some horror movies is that the worse they get, the more fucked-up they are, the more they make you feel like you might be on acid, the better they are, and in a weird way, this movie works. The first movie in this series is actually a pretty decent slasher with disturbing imagery and a creepy feel, the second movie is horrible, consisting of about 60% "flashback" footage where they just play the previous film again. the third movie is absolutely horrible, with terrible acting, a weak plot, lots of continuity errors, and really scary 80s hairstyles that are the most frightening thing about the film. And then there's this movie, which really has nothing to do with the previous 3 films (except for one scene where a character watches part of the third film on TV).

The movie is about a reporter named Kim who wants to investigate the strange death of a local woman who burst into flames and jumped off the roof of a building. The characters keep insisting she spontaneously combusted, but I don't know why they kept saying that because it's really not clear WHY the woman was on fire. In the course of the investigation, Kim gets tangled up in a local cult of Lesbian witches (I hate it when that happens) and the rest of the movie is really a big mess of sex scenes, weird rituals involving nudity and giant insects (um...ew) and a lot of mumbo-jumbo rambling about how women need to kill men because men are parasites of fear...or something. It's icky and gross at times, especially the scenes with the insects, and I'm not going to pretend that it really made SENSE, but I can't deny that it was mesmerizing to watch. you can tell that this was really a low-budget horror movie called "Initiation" that had nothing to do with the "Silent Night, Deadly Night" series, but the company released this movie and slapped "Silent Night, deadly Night 4" on it in an effort to make more money. I'm not going to pretend this movie was good or anything, but it's kind of fun to watch for sheer weirdness value alone.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 4: I Spit on Your Grave (2010)

2011-10-02T11:53:00.002-04:00

The original "I spit on Your Grave" is a favorite movie of mine. I get a lot of weird looks when I say that. Normal people can't understand why I'd want to watch a movie where a woman is brutally raped and then takes grisly revenge on her attackers, and horror fans piss all over the movie because of its tiny budget and amateur acting. To the first people...what can I say? If a movie shows a rape at all, I want it to be brutal and chilling and disturbing and haunting because that's what rape is. If you don't want to watch the movie, I understand, but please don't judge me for finding value in a movie that shows evil and shows someone crumbling under its weight and then fighting back. To the horror fans I simply say that while the acting can be bad at times, I believe Camille Keaton's performance as a woman trying to put herself back together after a horrible brutal attack, and watching her revenge is disturbing but also kind of rewarding in a sick way. I see so much evil in the real world that from time to time, I enjoy watching people kick evil's ass in movies. When I was ten years old, I remember staring at the cover of the original movie in the video store and wanting to watch it to see why it was banned in so many places...what was so disturbing about this movie that so many people worked so hard to keep other people from watching it? While I'm glad I didn't watch it when I was ten (it's a bit much for the middle school set) I still remember the power of that movie cover, the image of a scantily clad woman covered in blood walking through the woods...totally vulnerable, she seems, but yet she manages to overpower strong evil and get her revenge. I wanted to see that then, and I'm grateful to have the chance to see it now. Is that sick? Maybe, but that's me, and hey, it must be other people too, because look, they made a movie for me and all the other sick people to watch. Cool, huh?

All that is to say that I find myself defending the original "I Spit on Your Grave" a lot, and defending my right to watch it and find value in it, but as a fan who works so hard defending the movie all the time, I was stoked to hear about the remake, mostly because I was kind of hoping that the remake, with its bigger budget, might be able to bring something better to the story. Fresh eyes, a new perspective, a plot with fewer holes I can drive a truck through, you get the idea. I'm happy to report that this is one remake that improves upon the original movie. As much as I like the original ISOYG, the acting can be horrendous at times, and the actors in this movie are a lot better. They're all virtual unknowns, which works for this kind of movie where you wouldn't want to see big-name actors distracting you from the nastiness onscreen. The dialogue flows more easily and is more believable, and without spoiling anything, I'll simply note that the "revenge" portion of the movie is a lot better in this version. Still kind of unbelievable, but not as utterly ridiculous and requiring your suspension of disbelief to run itself into overdrive the way the original does.

For those who were worried, the rape is handled well in this movie. The camera shows enough brutality to make us long for the victim's revenge (I was worried the rape scene would be toned down for this version, but while it doesn't show as much nudity as the original rape scene, it does convey the brutality of the attack very well). There's also more of a build up to the attack in this movie that makes it seem more realistic. The men who attack Jennifer in this version of the movie are clearly bullies (they bully each other and torment the weakest member of their bunch right from the beginning) and I think it works better in this movie than it did in the original because the attack was a progression from mocking each other to fighting amongst each other to getting pissed at the woman to deciding to teach her a lesson. Don't get me wrong, the men in this movie are still neanderthals from the planet caveman, but in this movie the attack clearly escalates and grows out of their already bullying and violent behavior, so it doesn't seem like such a stretch as it does in the first movie, where the plot basically goes "what should we do tonight, boys? Hey, there's a woman, let's rape her! Hooray!"

This is a tough movie to stomach, I'll warn you of that. The attack made me flinch. Either I'm getting weak in my old age (it's a possibility) or some aspects of the rape are worse in this movie than they were in the original. The revenge is also really disgusting in this movie and I swear to God it's more brutal than I thought it would be (all I'll say is that these guys quite literally go all to pieces when their victim gets her revenge, and the camera lingers and makes us flinch and possibly vomit, and I seriously can't believe they put some of this stuff on camera, but I give them mad props for doing so). Those of you who worried that this movie might be tame, let's just say you have nothing to worry about. The filmmakers don't flinch or skimp on the brutality here. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more vomiting to do.

In conclusion, if you have a strong stomach and you want to see a movie that shows "good versus evil" (or "good being tainted by evil..." or both) give this movie a watch. I love horror movies. I like walking through the darkness and coming out on the other side unscathed. I find value in that experience. This movie definitely isn't for everyone, but if it is for you, that doesn't make you a bad person. Come over to my house and we'll pop some popcorn and watch the movie together (that's right, the dark side has both cookies AND popcorn now...don't you want to join us?)

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 3: Jennifer's Body

2011-10-02T11:08:00.002-04:00

I don't know what crawled up everyone's ass around the time this movie was released, but before I knew it, suddenly everyone was talking about how horrible and cliche it was. I was intrigued by the movie's premise and I love Amanda Seyfried, so I bought the DVD as soon as it was released, but I got distracted by bright shiny objects and so I waited around a long time to watch it. I finally got to it today, and while it might not be the most original movie I've ever seen, I loved it.

First off, Megan Fox is gorgeous in this movie, so she's nice to look at, and second, she actually does a good job playing her part. She's the ditzy popular girl who is best friends with a nerd aptly named "Needy" (right, Amanda Seyfried plays the unattractive friend here in bizarro land). Jennifer manages to be a cocky bitch while also being likable enough for me to care what happens to her (mostly because Needy is such a nice best friend that I feel bad when her life starts falling apart, starting with her friendship with Jennifer). Not to spoil anything, but Jennifer goes from regular high school evil to actually, truly evil when she is possessed by a demon and starts snacking on the student body. The trailers and movie posters give that much away, but they didn't prepare me for how much I was going to enjoy the show. While the screenwriter for this movie, Diablo Cody, can sometimes get caught up enjoying the sound of her own dialogue too much (and it's not always as clever as she thinks it is, honest to blog) the dialogue in this movie is still a lot of fun. Jennifer makes some good comebacks both before and after she turns evil, and while I'm fairly certain teenage girls don't call each other "Monistat" and "Vagisil," it's still kind of fun to hear Jennifer and Needy say it.

The movie is pretty mean-spirited, too. What I mean when I say that is it's not all cut and dried, the good guys wear white hats and the bad guys all have pointy black hats and horns, the bad stuff happens but it isn't TOO bad, and the good guys defeat the evil in the end by virtue of their goody goodness. In "Jennifer's Body," evil can sometimes be very seductive, and good can be easily tainted by evil until it's hard to tell the difference anymore.

Plenty of nice gore (I recommend watching the uncut version, because I imagine the theatrical version is more tame), good acting, characters that you care about, and some fun and nasty dialogue make this a helluva fun movie to watch. I don't know why so many people hated it, but I totally dug it.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 2: Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers

2011-10-02T10:54:00.002-04:00

I don't know how many of you have heard of Asylum. They're a small moviemaking company, headed by a guy named Leigh Scott, and they release independent movies, but they've gained particular notoriety in recent years for releasing films people have dubbed "mockbusters." See, Asylum's films tend to be released direct to video at times that coincide with big-budget major studio films that have similar titles and budgets. For instance, around the time Rob Zombie's "Halloween" remake was making publicity, Asylum released a movie called "Halloween Night." When "Transformers" was in theaters, Asylum released a direct to DVD movie called "Transmorphers." You get the idea. These movies are often reviled not only for being ripoffs of major studio films but also for being pretty terrible. I've only seen two Asylum movies thus far, "Paranormal Entity" which was released while "Paranormal Activity" was making the rounds, and "Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers" (not at all to be confused with "The Exorcism of Emily Rose") and from that limited experience, I can tell you that I enjoyed both flicks. I'm not saying that they're great cinematic achievements or anything, but they've been entertaining and painless fun to watch.

"Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers" has some problems. The acting from some of the central players leaves much to be desired (see if you can keep a straight face while Rambo the blind Priest is giving his monologues) but the movie hits a lot of the right notes. Gail is a likable character, and I felt bad for her watching her succomb slowly to demonic forces. The woman who plays Gail's sister also gives a good performance. The special effects aren't very special, but the makeup is creepy and Gail's demon voice is effective as she screams and wails in anger and terror (though I often couldn't tell what the hell she was supposed to be saying because her voice is so distorted that a lot of her dialogue is unintelligible). I'm not saying this is a great film, but if you're a fan of satanic/demonic possession movies, you might want to give it a watch.

2011 October Horror Movie Challenge Movie 1: Them (1954)

2011-10-01T10:45:00.003-04:00

I've waited long enough to watch this movie. I bought it years ago and haven't gotten around to watching it until now. Surprisingly, for a 1950s era sci-fi movie about giant ants, it holds up pretty well. The script tosses in some explanation about how the atomic bomb dropped 9 years before the movie's release date had a hand in mutating the ants to giant proportions, but it's wise enough not to try and over-explain everything, thus making the plot seem even more ridiculous. The acting is good as well. The little girl in the opening sequences plays shocked and scared very well, and the small-town cop Ben is likable (even if he seems to be perpetually on duty 24/7 despite having a pregnant wife and two kids). The giant ants are creepy and surprisingly effective (with today's technology we seem to have only been able to make giant insects look WORSE with our computer generated imagery than this movie from the 1950s). We get to see some people get chomped by ants, hear some freaky ant-communication screeching, and listen to precious lines like "Saliva is the only thing holding me together right now, too." This movie is a fun watch. Good way to kick off the festivities.

October Horror Movie Challenge List

2011-09-25T08:17:00.002-04:00

Beach Bums (2011)

2011-08-23T17:30:00.004-04:00

This is the latest film from the award-winning filmmaker Anthony Spadaccini, who is also responsible for the "Head Case" films. This film is considerably lighter fare than those serial-killer films, though, so you don't have to worry about watching this comedy with the whole family. The tagline for this movie is "And you thought YOUR vacation was bad." Actually, I've taken a beach vacation in my life, but nothing that rivals the experience of the main character in this film, a clumsy, down-on-his-luck guy named Trevor who can't seem to catch a break. This movie kind of made me want to go to the beach, but if I ever do decide to try taking a beach vacation again, remind me to book it as far away from the people in this movie as possible.

Trevor is the first character we meet in this film, and he's a goofy guy who sleeps with a teddy bear and has a dead-end job and a boss who seems to want to seduce him, so it's easy to feel sorry for him at first (even as we wonder how he can afford to book a beach vacation when he just lost his job...needless to say, Trevor's not the brightest bulb on the tree). Also, I have to say that once Trevor arrives at the beach, he really is responsible for most of what happens next: an escalating fight that starts when Trevor decides to steal from a fellow beach bum. The bulk of the movie shows Trevor's feud with this guy, and I don't know why he thought he could win a battle like this when he can't even figure out how to work an umbrella, or a screen door, or a folding chair...he can't even eat an ice-cream cone without injuring himself somehow.

Fortunately, injury for Trevor means fun for the audience! The comedy in this movie is of the slapstick variety, with the oafish Trevor getting into one ridiculous situation after another and managing to trip, fall, and nearly drown several times throughout the course of the film. One particularly funny sequence finds Trevor buried in the sand, trapped helplessly while his arch nemesis throws wet wads of paper at his head. I'd like to try that with a few people I know.

This movie is a fun throwback to the fun slapstick comedies of the silent film era. It really is fun for the whole family, too - the eight year old girl I was babysitting was giggling right along with me.

Chick Flick Day!

2011-08-09T09:22:00.002-04:00

In Plain Sight season 3

2011-08-02T15:30:00.001-04:00

Insidious

2011-07-25T13:30:00.003-04:00

This movie gave me about five heart attacks and a few images that will stick with me and probably pop up whenever I try to go to sleep for the next 30 years. great. The only downfall of this movie was the two techs who helped investigate the paranormal happenings with the psychic woman, Elise. I think these guys were supposed to be "comic relief" but like most comic relief when it's shoehorned into a movie where it doesn't fit, they were annoying instead of funny. I got over it, though, since everything else about this movie was good. It reminded me of other movies and horror stories (Stephen King's novella "The Sun Dog," the movie "Poltergeist," the movie "Wes Craven's A New Nightmare") but not in a bad way, more like they were reminiscent of things that had used similar themes in the past, but it definitely put a new spin on the "haunting" subgenre. In fact, I had managed to forget about "The Sun Dog" and how it scared me so badly I never wanted to take pictures again, so thanks a lot for reminding me and making me afraid of my camera again, "Insidious."

All in all, highly recommended.

My Planned Parenthood Story

2011-07-07T12:49:00.003-04:00

Ok, so here's the scoop, folks. Earlier this year, my Representative Dave Camp voted to block funding for Planned Parenthood (he supported the Pence Amendment to H.R. 1) in Michigan. This scared me, because while I've heard stories of other states trying to pass legislation to block funding for Planned Parenthood, I guess I thought it was something I didn't have to worry about, since it wasn't happening to me. Then I realized that it could very well happen to me, Planned Parenthood could lose their funding in Michigan, and then where would I be? This thought scared me into action, so I wrote Representative Camp a letter (I write him letters all the time, and he sends me dismissive replies, so I didn't think it would really do any good, but I felt I had to try). For those of us in Michigan, Dave Camp's support of this bill shouldn't come as much of a surprise. Dave Camp does some good work, but he also often supports evil and archaic legislation like this, so I often have to email him and take him to task for what I see as a gross misrepresentation of his constituents (of which I am one, much to his dismay, I'm sure). But the thing is, with all the talk going around about how people "stand with Planned Parenthood" and how this lack of funding will affect women, something that gets lost, I think, is that a lot of the people who DON'T stand with Planned Parenthood honestly might not know what they are doing and how they are hurting people with their stance. I know this because I was one of those people, once upon a time. Anyway, I thought it might be time to cut through the rhetoric and the jargon and honestly tell my Planned Parenthood story, even if Dave Camp ignores it, because it wasn't enough for me to say "I Stand with Planned Parenthood" anymore...I needed to say WHY. This is the letter I wrote to Dave Camp. I tried to say what I had to say as best I could. I knew there was a good chance he'd ignore it, but I wanted to share my story with you, too, readers and friends, because this isn't just MY story. It's the story of a lot of other women who are afraid to say "I Stand with Planned Parenthood" because they're afraid of what that means.

Dear Representative Dave Camp,

The Pence Amendment to H.R. 1 that bars all federal funding from Planned Parenthood health centers is a truly outrageous -- and dangerous -- piece of legislation. I am outraged that you supported this horrific bill. Your vote is an absolute betrayal of the millions of Americans who rely on Planned Parenthood for primary and preventive care. For your information, Planned Parenthood is much more than just an "abortion provider" and it is unconscionable for you to dismiss it as such. I have a health condition that causes extremely heavy bleeding and pain so bad I find it difficult to walk during monthly menstruation. My cramps are so bad I wake up screaming from the pain. I have been dealing with this pain since I was ten years old. The only (and I do mean ONLY) thing that has ever alleviated this pain is the care provided by Planned Parenthood - through birth control pills and later the Depo Provera shot when we discovered that the pills put me at high risk of blood clots due to my chronic migraines.

I suffered with this extreme menstrual pain for over ten years because, as you might, I dismissed Planned Parenthood as simply an "abortion provider" and thus did not want to visit my clinic and see if the care they could provide would help my condition. It wasn't until I was twenty five years old and this pain had prevented me from working several days every month and almost cost me my job that I finally decided I couldn't take the pain anymore and I had to visit a clinic and see if any of the treatments they offered could help me. I found the staff and nurses at the clinic to be compassionate and caring, and within the space of six months, I was on treatment that allowed me to function and work like a normal human being during my monthly menstrual cycle for the first time in my life. And the clinic provided this service to me, in effect giving me my life back, free of charge through the "Plan First" program that allowed them to offer these services free of charge due to Federal Funding to financially struggling women like me.

The Planned Parenthood clinic in my town doesn't even perform abortions, but they DO put women in contact with clinics where they can get this procedure, just as they put me in contact with a clinic and a local doctor who could find and remove the cancer I had, thus saving my life. Here is the fact that I ignored for years and the fact that opponents of Planned Parenthood continue to ignore. Abortion is not a medical procedure that Planned Parenthood performs at the drop of a hat and with no thought to the risks. Planned Parenthood is often the last resort for women in my area, since many doctors in this area will not provide even birth control pills and/or the Depo Provera shot, and when I asked local doctors why, in more than one case I was told it was because of because of the minute "abortificant properties" of the pill. Let me put that into layman's terms for you. Because of the minuscule risk that the pill might in a tiny number of cases cause a fetus not to implant into the uterus, no woman should ever use the pill or ever use birth control, even if she is not having sex, even if she is a virgin, even if she is ten years old and doubled over in pain in bed bleeding so heavily that she is afraid to leave the house, a woman must suffer this constant pain and anguish because the services provided by Planned Parenthood are somehow morally objectionable.

Let me tell you what is "morally objectionable" in my book, representative Camp. Forcing women to suffer pain and anguish and yes, torture every month because they cannot afford the medical services that could take away this pain and indeed give them their lives back? THAT is morally reprehensible. Telling women and young girls not to get services at Planned Parenthood, even if the grand majority of them aren't going to get abortions and are instead only going to get treatment for conditions related to menstruation, even if most of them are going in order to be responsible adults and learn ways to PREVENT an unwanted pregnancy before they have to terminate it, even if most of them are going because they already HAVE children and they can't handle the financial burden of adding to their families at this time so they want to take steps to PREVENT an unwanted pregnancy before it happens, and yes, even if a small number of them are going to seek an abortion because they have considered the alternatives and they have made the informed decision that they cannot carry an unwanted pregnancy to term at this time...cutting off funding for the only health care that thousands of women (if not millions of women) can only receive in areas like this at a Planned Parenthood clinic, and cutting off that funding because you somehow believe that Planned Parenthood is somehow morally reprehensible (instead of the lifesaving service that it was for me and that it is for so many other women)? That is shortsighted, uninformed, ignorant, and simply wrong, representative Camp.

I used to believe that the services provided at Planned Parenthood were somehow morally wrong, representative Camp. I was uninformed and ignorant, and it took me suffering intense pain for fifteen years of my life before I learned that Planned Parenthood provided services that could help me and that they were already helping thousands (if nor millions) of other women. If I ever have a daughter someday, I am going to raise her to believe that it's wrong for women to suffer pain and anguish every month simply because of outdated ideas about women's reproductive health and ignorance about the health benefits Planned Parenthood provides. I'm going to teach her to make responsible choices about her reproductive health, and if she ever needs the services that Planned Parenthood provides, as indeed so many women do, I hope for Planned Parenthood to be there to help her as it was for me.

Along with countless other Planned Parenthood supporters, I am determined to fight against this bill as it moves to the Senate, and to oppose every effort to undermine women's health and access to care. We will continue to stand with Planned Parenthood -- and we call on you to focus on the needs of our community -- rather than politics -- by supporting women's access to their health care providers, including Planned Parenthood.

Sincerely,

Lillian Patterson

If any of you want to "Stand with Planned Parenthood" too, I want to tell you that it's ok. You aren't supporting a morally reprehensible organization by doing so. You're supporting an organization that literally saved my life and an organization that helps women across the country. I encourage you to go to your local Planned Parenthood office and educate yourself about the work they do there, and not just rely on what your church or your school or even your parents might tell you, but to find out for yourself how this organization provides necessary care to women every day.

For those of us who do support Planned Parenthood, I think it might be a good idea for us to start (or continue) telling our stories of why, because I think a lot of people don't know what they're doing when they want to block funding to Planned Parenthood, and before we get angry with them for not knowing the truth, we have to make sure we're speaking the truth and putting it out there. I say this as a reminder to myself more than anything else, because this is the first time I've put so many words to my own story of why I support Planned Parenthood. I hope it makes an impact somehow, for the sake of women like me who don't know what they don't know is hurting and killing them everyday.